Monkey Business

ALL the latest simian stock market news, brought to you LIVE by primate finance expert ROBERT PESTON

CAPUCHIN STOCK was raised to Hold from a Sell at $20.25 this morning at opening bell. Robert says: “BUY white-headed capuchins with a stop loss at Rs 211 for target at Rs 201. SELL robust tufted capuchins with a stop loss at Rs 333 for target at Rs 310.” INVESTORS with stakes in larger Old World monkeys, be warned: Baboon stock slumped dramatically yesterday - down 16% against the mandrill – after swollen red arses were hit with industrial strike action. Robert says: “Only gray-footed chacma baboon stocks were still showing growth at closing bell. Buy, buy, buy!” THE MNKE 100 hit a record high last night as marmoset and tamarin stocks soared. Robert says: “My advice is to invest heavily in flat-nosed New World apes. Golden-backed uakari securities opened at $178.89 this morning, so they look a good bet. If that’s a little out of your price range, however, then the Ecuadorian squirrel monkey is a buy with a stop loss of Rs 919 ($39.51 at the bell).” BONOBO BITCOIN slipped below $100,000 at the opening bell yesterday. The simian cryptocurrency is currently trading at 8%, near $1,203 per coin. Robert says: “Even given the monkey market’s recent volatility, this is a sizeable drop for the pygmy chimp cryptocurrency. I would authorize your broker to hold bonobo bitcoin with a stop loss at Rs 419, selling immediately when the markets recover.” More money-minded monkey minutiae next time, folks!