Heavenly Oh Fath er
OUR edby theolog ical Dad's Day queries answer the Archbis Welby hop of Canterbury, Justin
Dear Justin,
I READ in the Bible recently that we are all the Lord’s children. Does this mean that every human being on Earth should send God a card on Father’s Day? And if so, how will He possibly distinguish between the billions of cards He receives from His abstract spiritual offspring and the ones He’ll get from His actual biological kid, Jesus Christ? Barnaby Buddha-Monk, Hull
Justin says: The Good Book does indeed state that God is the Father - but it also clearly adds that He is the Son and the Holy Spirit, too. Therefore, since God is both your father AND your son, you should technically be sending each other Father’s Day cards. And omnipotent though He is, God simply does not have the time, money or desire to send a card to every human male on the planet, so you can rest easy that He won’t be expecting one from you in return. As his biological offspring, Jesus is the only person that tends to make the effort for the Almighty on the third Sunday in June, sending Him a nice card and perhaps taking Him for a day out at the footy or a Dads ‘n’ Lads Tank Driving Experience.
Dear Justin,
OVER the past few weeks, I have been hearing rather severe prophetic voices in my head, instructing me to take my firstborn son to the top of a hill and sacrifice him to the Lord God’s glory. However, Father’s Day is fast approaching and my firstborn son tends to get me very good gifts - last year, for instance, he bought me a subscription to Top Gear magazine, and the year before that he gave me a six-disc Boz Scaggs box set. I was wondering, therefore, if God would mind if I waited until after June 17th to slaughter my son, just in case he’s got something equally good up his sleeve this year? Nigel Killah-Priest, Herts
Justin says: God works in mysterious ways, Nigel, and if He is instructing you to kill your son up a hill then there must be a decent reason for it. However, between me, you and the gatepost, given His past form I’ve got a feeling that God might be just testing you and he’ll tell you to stop just before you put the knife in. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if your firstborn is still around on Father’s day and you’ll be in for another fab pressie off him. Dear Justin,
FORTY YEARS ago, I gave my father a ‘World’s Best Dad’ mug for Father’s Day. Six weeks later, he ran off with his secretary, taking all my mother’s money and possessions, and even stealing the £3.45 I had in my piggy bank. I haven’t seen him since. I realise the Ten Commandments condemn bearing false witness as a deadly sin, but I honestly believed my father was the World’s Best Dad at the time of purchasing the mug. Do you think God is likely to punish me for this ultimately fraudulent and blasphemous drink container? Dorothy Theodore-Unit, Scholes
Justin says: God does indeed take rather a dim view of lying, Dorothy, so I’m afraid that whilst your mug purchase was made in good faith, it still means that you are unquestionably bound for the flames of Hell. On the bright side, it sounds like your father may be heading there, too, and as such, you will have all eternity to get back in touch with him and try to rebuild your relationship whilst you are both having your skin flayed ceaselessly from your bodies by Beelzebub’s despicable legions.
HAVE YOU got a question about Father’s Day that also relates in some way or other to the Church of England? Why not write into to Justin Welby’s ‘O, Heavenly Father’, c/o Viz Comic, PO Box 841, Whitley Bay, NE26 9EQ