MONKEY TRAGIC!

Godless Dawkins left redfaced as family tree reveals ZERO apes

DARWINISTegghead Professor Richard

Dawkins was left red-faced yesterday after embarrassing details about his ancestry came to light. Because despite his outspoken belief that mankind came from monkeys, experts investigating his family tree unveiled not one single ape! Dawkins, 77, was filming for the new series of BBC genealogy show Who Do You Think You

Are? when the humiliating discovery was made. Series’ producer Merton Chemicals told reporters: “A week ago, my research team took some of Richard’s DNA and a selection of his family correspondence and went off to trace his roots.”

monkey

“Due to Richard’s well-known evolutionary theories we all assumed that once we got a few hundred years back, it’d just be wall-to-wall monkeys. But when they unveiled their findings, they told a very different story,” he added.

Chemicals revealed that his team had tracked the blasphemous boffin’s lineage all the way back to 938 AD - and discovered not one single simian in his bloodline.

“It was just human after human after human,” Chemicals chuckled. “To be honest, we’re almost too embarrassed for Richard to show him the results. He’s going to be absolutely mortified.”

maker

It is not yet known whether Dawkins will give the go-ahead for the episode to air. However, the Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr Justin Welby, this morning expressed his sympathy and amusement at the Professor’s predicament.

“One hates to say ‘I told you so’, but I’m afraid poor old Richard has made himself look rather foolish here,” Welby told the Canterbury Prolapse and Ar

gos. “He’s spent his entire life quacking on about how he’s directly related to chimps, and now it’s been conclusively proven that he was talking utter shite the whole time,” he added.

“God made man in his own image. Simple as. End of,” said Welby.