LETTER BOOKS

DO hunky outdoors types like Bear Grylls have magic breath? When they blow on kindling, they get a roaring fire, but when I blow on a candle, it goes out.

P Wee, St. Helens

I RECENTLY took out a subscription to Your Dog magazine. However, when the latest issue arrived through the post, I found that it had someone else’s dog on the front cover and nothing about my dog anywhere inside. Have any other readers been caught out by this scam?

Brett, Stalybridge

I HAVE just seen a charity advert on TV that said, what with the polar ice caps melting due to global warming, polar bears are running out

of things to feed their young. Well I happen to know that bears don't even eat ice. Just another scam.

Tony, Oxford

THE SIGHT of a majestic polar bear stranded on a single floating piece of ice, unable to hunt because of the melting sea ice, is truly heartbreaking. But then, when they cut to a shot of it from the back and you can see shit all over its fur, it’s not quite so appealing, is it? Come on environmentalists - clean those polar bears’ arses.

Mick Halibut, Halifax I WAS wondering if any of your twitcher readers could help me identify a bird at the bottom of my garden. It goes ‘w-wurrrwoo, w-wurr-woo’. David Smallbone, email

That’s an interesting one, David. Can any Viz readers put a name to this species of garden bird? There’s a Viz pen for anyone who identifies it correctly.

I KNOW the internet is amazing and everyone loves it and everything, but it’s been around a good few years now. Isn’t it about time someone came up with something better? Whatever happened to onwards and upwards?

Stench Peters, Corby

IF YOU kill a wasp, can you get stang off of its ghost, or do they wait until you’re a ghost to sting you? That would be a terrible welcome to the afterlife, to be stang off of the ghosts of all the wasps you’ve ever killed. It’s the main reason why I’ve very little interest in being a ghost. The one reason why I would be a ghost is to watch ladies get undressed.

Greg Jones, Wakefield

COCKS? Tits? Boobies? Shags? Birdwatchers’ puerile obsession with naming these wonderful animals after smutty obscenities really disgusts me. If they discover another bird, what's the betting they’ll call it a "lesserspotted knob-crested fanny" or a "golden-showered eagle". Quite honestly, you couldn't make it up. If they’d put down their binoculars once in a while, and go out and meet a real woman, they wouldn't need to inflict their frustrations on the rest of us with their filthy innuendos.

Phil Kitching, Isle of Jura

FLY me to the moon, let me play among the stars. Let me see what spring is like on Jupiter and Mars”, sang Frank Sinatra. With such a poor grasp of astrophysics, it's hardly surprising that so many people think the Americans faked the moon landing.

Steve Crouch, Peterborough

MY wife just did a loud fart whilst the Prince Harry and Meghan Markle were saying their wedding vows. Could that be classed as treason? R Clarke, Preston

We contacted monarchy and constitutional expert Dr David Starkey on your behalf, Mr Clarke. He said that treason constitutes a crime of disloyalty to the crown, including plotting to murder the monarch, committing adultery with the consort or wife of the heir to the throne, and aiding and giving comfort to enemies of the crown. Your wife breaking wind during the recent royal marriage ceremony hardly describes any of these offences. She could be said, however, to be guilty of sedition, the crime of bringing contempt, or exciting disaffection against the person of Her Majesty, her heirs or successors. However, it is unlikely that a successful prosecution would be brought unless the Crown could prove beyond reasonable doubt that it was your wife who had dealt it.

“IF A tree falls in a forest and there’s nothing there to hear it, does it make a sound?” is a question many philosophers pose. Well of course it doesn’t. It vibrates air molecules, yes, but unless these vibrations are picked up by an ear and transformed into electrical impulses in a brain, they are not sound. There, that’s that fucker cleared up. Next!

Prof. Stanley Jordan, University of Oxford

WE all know that the wireless technology Bluetooth was named after Harold 'Bluetooth' Gormsson ' an olden time king of Denmark and Norway who famously loved blueberries so much that his teeth were stained blue. Having consumed 1.5kg of the tasty fruit yesterday, I can confidently state that we could just as easily be pinging data to each other using something called PurpleSquits.

Ross Pure, Shittlehampton

JAPAN may have some of the most technologically advanced toilets in the world, but their toilet paper is fucking dreadful.

Albert Brown Fingers, Tokyo

Well, toilet paper quality is rather a subjective thing, Mr Brown-Fingers. And we only have your opinion on the matter. Perhaps any other readers who have travelled to the far east would like to write in and tell us their views on the quality of Japanese toilet paper. CAN someone explain why the lead singer of Dire Straits says he has to install microwave ovens? I just stuck mine on the bench, plugged it in and it worked.

Dave Sanderson, Exeter

I'M glad I never had my dog castrated, as it would have denied me the opportunity of kicking him in the balls for picking a boiling hot day to roll in fox shit.

Simon Cooper, Cambridge

I THOUGHT that preacher at the royal wedding went on a bit, especially towards the end when he was banging on about fire being so great. I burnt my hand on a chimenea last night and it still hurts, so I would prefer a more rounded view next time, as fire can be dangerous too.

Dave, Leek

I FEAR that the UK is increasingly getting left behind in the technological slow lane. On recent trips to Europe and America I've noticed that a good half of their cars are already completely driverless, with the front seat passenger able to sit back, relax, and take in the view. With Brexit on the horizon, I honestly think we might as well just give up and go back to the horse and cart.

Philip Kitching, Isle of Jura

JUST before I go to bed every night, I open my window a little bit as the fresh air helps me sleep. Last night, however, I felt the room was a bit stuffy and so double-checked the window. Would you believe it, I hadn’t opened it as much as I normally did. So I opened it a bit further and it felt much better. Crazy times.

John Mason, email

"I BEFORE E except after C,” I can still hear my teacher say. His name was Mr Mamdani, and after fleeing persecution in his home country he was teaching in a rough inner-city comprehensive, determined to give something back to the country that had offered him asylum. His passion and enthusiasm were infectious and I often bump into old school mates who still talk about how 'Mr M' changed their lives. It wasn't until years later that I noticed several words have an ‘ie’ after a ‘c’, such as species, science and sufficient. Now I don't trust anything anyone says, especially foreigners.

Ian Yates, Garston

BACK in the seventies, whenever Kate Bush was on the radio at work I always used to get a laugh by saying, “I love a bit of Bush me.” Of course, those were different times, and you couldn’t say it now because it would be totally inappropriate. But back then women never used to shave their fannies.

T Crumbhorn, Goole

I RECKON about 5% of my gaseous anal emissions smell of popcorn, but I never eat the stuff. Maybe the boffins at CERN could look into that puzzle, if they stopped fannying about with Higgs Bosons for five fucking minutes.

Dr Andrew Turner, Barrow-in-Furness

IF I have to eat one more Topic, I don’t know what I’ll do. They are the worst confectionery invention ever!

Luke O’Zade, Bodmin

IF I was walking through an abandoned town in a postapocalyptic world and I happened across a fancy dress shop I would, for a few reasons, put on one of those costumes that makes it look like you’re riding an ostrich. Firstly, the ostrich would give me some company on my lonely journey. Secondly, were I to be spotted by zombies, during the chase they may find my disjointed attempt to run away whilst frantically clinging to the ostrich so funny they wouldn't be able to run for laughing. And thirdly, the costume would provide an ideal ice-breaker when I eventually came across other marauding groups of survivors.

Johnny T, Kirkcaldy

A SCHOOLYARD prank used to involve getting someone to say “My Dad's a Banker” while stretching out the corners of their mouth, the distorting effect of which rendered the phrase into something closely resembling “My Dad's a Wanker.” In light of prevailing attitudes towards bankers these days, however, I think the "Dad" comes out of the prank rather well to be honest.

2 Jackets, Waterford I HAVE to laugh when people say 'it's either my way or the highway’. That’s because I'm a lorry driver so my way IS the highway.

D Cooper, Malta

THEY say the saga of Jesus is ‘the greatest story ever told’. I beg to differ. I told my missus I had to go to Brighton for a company training exercise all weekend, when in reality I was banging her sister in Croydon. I think that's a much better story. J Blood, email

I HAVE just met Rob Brydon in Carcasonne Old Town. He was really nice and modest and happy to spend time talking. I wondered if any other Viz readers had met a Welsh comedian in a Medieval French citadel who turned out to be really nice? I have met Welsh-named but English comedian Alan Davies, but that was in a very modern English setting, and he was a total cunt as well.

Tony Potts, Gillingham

WHY are Old English Sheepdogs so called? The fat, hairy bastards never chase a single sheep. All they do is sit around al day advertising paint. Border Collies do all the graft and get none of the lucrative TV work. Perhaps John fucking Craven can do a Countryfile item about this.

Nesta Tables, Truro

I DON’T know why environmentalists are so pissed off about plastic being harmful to marine life. I reckon that rubber is just as bad. I was checking out the live lobsters in a restaurant the other night, and the poor little bastards had got elastic bands all tangled around their claws. Come on postmen, your reputation is bad enough already.

Niels Boredom, Luton

I DON'T suppose you're going to publish it, but I spotted a mistake in my last submitted letter. I should have written: “…he would perhaps HAVE wing mirrors instead of ears” etc.

Mike Hatchard, St Leonards-on-Sea You were absolutely correct, Mike, we’re not going to publish it. IT’S all very well The Drifters singing “Saturday night at the movies, who cares what picture we see.” If one of those Police Academy films was on, or anything with Steven Seagal in it, they would be singing a different fucking tune, believe you me.

Frank Micropub, Leeds

I NOTICE that on Question Time, people in the audience have their hands up for ages whilst waiting for David Dimbleby to come to them, but he often never does. Surely keeping your hand down, giggling, chewing gum and talking to the person next to you would get his attention? I guarantee that he’ll come to you and ask you for your opinion on the discussion in hand. It always used to happen to me in school anyway.

Bartrum Golightly, Derby

DO any of your readers know if Bonnie Tyler ever found a hero or is she still holding out for one? Only my mate Dave has always had a thing for her. He's a bit of an ugly sod, but as he's just rescued a cat out of a tree and she's knocking on a bit now, so I reckon he might have a chance.

Steve Crouch, Peterborough

PEOPLE can slag the royal family off all they want as far as I’m concerned, but they had a massive wedding and reception recently and it never kicked off once. No police, no men in cheap suits rolling around on the floor amidst the crushed Iceland sausage rolls and spilt beer. That’s class and breeding in my book. God bless you, Ma’am.

Herbert Pocket, London

FIRST I catch one pigeon watching me have a wank, then his mate lands next to him on the windowsill and looks my way as well. Dirty fuckers.

Eddie Tipton, Bilston

MY friend Andy was in court for petty fraud. When he was convicted, the judge told him that his crime was 'as good as' stealing the money straight from his victims' pockets. I think he was quite surprised that the judge seemed so impressed with his skills. He still got a 12 month suspended sentence and 200 hours of community service though.

Phil Kitching, Isle of Jura

THINGS that are absolutely shite in this country are referred to as “ten a penny," which is equivalent to 0.10 pence each. In the USA, however, they are said to be “a dime a dozen” which is 2.08 cents each. Why is it that America’s worthless things are worth more than ours? If that’s the special post-Brexit deal we have to look forward to with America, then heaven help us.

Jim Corncrake, Tooting

IS there going to be a full colour English Dragon Ball Z Android, Cell and Buu Arc Manga? I Have read the Saiyan Arc and the Frieza Arc they are very enjoyable. Also will there be Dragon Ball full colour english manga series like the Piccolo Arc and The 21st Martial Arts Tournament Arc?

Kyle Jones, email

Sorry, Kyle, we haven’t got a fucking clue what you’re talking about. Do any readers have the foggiest fucking idea what he’s on about?

APPARENTLY, the combined weight of the anchors on the Titanic was 31 tons. Thirty one tons! Now, I’m no marine engineer, but carrying that sort of weight on board was never going to be an aid to buoyancy, was it? Little wonder the bloody thing sank.

Barry Cheeseboard, Scarborough

HAVING grown up watching

Knight Rider during the eighties, I have to say that I became a little disillusioned with Michael Knight himself. Given that the series ran for four years from 1982 -1986, surely during the fourth series, Kit was due for its first MOT? So why didn’t we see an episode whereby Knight takes it into the garage? I’m sorry, but with that kind of role model, it’s no wonder that I have so many points on my licence.

Frampton Twelvetrees, Hull