Roger’s PROFANISAURUS

The latest Update from Britain’s Favourite Lexicon of Filth and Profanity

abdickate v. To retire gracefully from performing one’s connubial obligations. ‘The missus abdickated about half way through the first night of our honeymoon.’ and just like that a new star is born exclam. To be intoned using the voice of the late Professor Stephen Hawking following a mass colonal ejection event. Bedfordshire clanger 1. n. Type of heavy, suet-based pie, also known as a Trowley dumpling or bacon badger. 2. n. Piquant, gaseous titbit prepared loudly in a Dutch oven. 3. n. Aproper pan cracker or gorilla’s breakfast, also known as a Trowley dumpling or bacon badger. beef piston 1. n. A crowdpleasing pro-wrestling move, probably. 2. n. Nickname of glans- headed pro-wrestlerturned-thesp “Dwayne Johnson” (real name The Rock).

big ted’s leg n. A man-size shite. ‘Do you know what sort of things can block the toilet? Let’s watch a man break up big ted’s leg with his potato masher… through the arched window.’

bincess n. A girl dolled up to the nines but of questionable beauty. bog bib n. Tucking your Tshirt under your chin to avoid splashback during a sit-down toilet adventure. buke v. To burp up a mouthful of sick. Also rebuke ~ to burp up another mouthful of sick. clopper slip n. KY jelly. Also fuck butter, WDover-40, I can’t believe it’s not batter, pork pie jelly, phoney batter, shammy batter, trout jelly.

crappaging n. Packaging that is virtually impossible to open without giving yourself a hernia, severing a main artery and/ or destroying the product you are trying to access.

cunt-tinted glasses, wear v. To hold an unneccesarily negative opinion of another person one has only just met and against whom one has taken a wholly unjustified animus.

custard steps euph. Brisk means by which a gentleman wearing a wrist-mounted fitness tracker can achieve his allocated daily walking target without leaving the house. Athree- minute mile. defrosting the fridge 1. n. Something attempted by most married couples once or twice a year, and thus 2. n. Foreplay.

Dermot n. rhym. slang. Aloosefitting quim, Big Daddy’s sleeping bag, clown’s pocket, trawlerman’s sock etc. From former English cricketer Dermot Reeve = wizard’s sleeve.

DFS 1. abbrev. A well known furniture shop where, it would seem, you would be hard pressed to ever pay full price for a sofa. 2. abbrev. Used to describe a partner who is averse to imbibing gentle

men’s relish. Doesn’t/Didn’t Fucking Swallow. disembowel movement n. A Thora so girth some that, when it is finally passed, it creates a powerful vacuum that threatens to suck your

Simon Cowells right out through your cigar cutter. doom bar 1. n. Popular Rock Brewery ale named after the sand bank in the mouth of the Camel Estuary. 2. n. A pub or

social club that is so filled with miseries and gloomers that one feels suicidal after just a couple of jars. See also chapel of rest. Dutch baby 1. n. What the Americans appear to call a Yorkshire pudding. 2. n. The spawn of a badly misjudged Dutch oven. fanny loaf, baking a euph. Suffering from an acute yeast infection.

gibble v. To have a giggle while giving a gobble.

giro d’Italia 1. n. One of the three Grand Tours of cycling that mainly takes place on the roads and through the mountains of Italy. 2. n. An individual who informs the Department of Work & Pensions he is unfit or unable to work during the day, and is then seen delivering pizzas on his moped in the evening.

goose pumps n. Emissions of flatus that sound uncannily like a flock of bad tempered wildfowl. greengrocer’s hotpot n. The steaming contents of a vegetarian’s pan. grubbery n. Almost extinct genus of thicket previously native to many roadside laybys and truck stops in the UK. These overgrown and often unremarkable looking plants could often yield massive quantities of discarded pornographic magazines, as well as free bottles of refreshing, bright orange, fizzy pop. See also bongo bush, dredge row. hot glue gun n. A male porn star’s willy. if he’d played that with a bit more side, he’d be safely on

the moment brown of 1. exclam. snooker Incisive commentary delivered from during John the Higgins Virgo,

at vs the Williams Sheffield snooker Crucible. final 2.

exclam. Waggish riposte to a robust trouser cough. See also a confident appeal by the Australians there; lo, ‘tis a raven sent from Winterfell; it’s not.... human, Jim, etc. lard rover n. A stoutly reinforced bariatric mobility scooter. Also nanbretta, council gokart, obeseicle. like a leaf on a breeze you blew away exclam. Post- windy pop apophthegm taken from the gloomy Justin Hayward dirge Forever Autumn. lil-let savage n. A gruff-voiced woman showing off while on her rags. lite sabre n. Male weapon of modest proportions that is nevertheless waved around by its owner as if it were something special. love gloves n. Condoms. Also rubber johnnies, dunkys, blobs, child catchers. make something out of nothing euph. After pulling, to go to the bathroom and put a bit of blood in it before you get started in order to impress your conquest.

To get a head start. ‘How did you get on last night, Dave?’‘I knew I’d be struggling at first, mate, on account of too much ale. Anyway, I managed to sneak off to the bog and make something out of nothing.’

mashturbation n. Giving or receiving manual relief while intoxicated. The inherent flaccidity or loss of motor skills associated with alcohol often

results mashing in ac- a tion by no where- end result achieved. is Also known as a fat jogger from the fact that “there is quantifiable motion but with no apparent effect”. miser’s fist n. A bearded clam that maintains a tight grip on a chap’s slag hammer. The opposite of a wizard’s sleeve. Also fanny like an archer’s window, butler’s cuff, mouse’s ear.

moo-moo land 1. n. Fictitious location whither the KLF were apparently bound. 2. n. A frankly disappointing bike shed. muzzle 1. n. Adevice applied to excitable puppies in order to apply a degree of control, and thus 2. n. Asports bra. none up, none down euph. The abode of a ruddy-faced professional outdoorsman, often located outside a railway sta

tion or supermarket. ‘Where’s druggy Dave living these days?’ ‘Oh, he’s found himself a nice little none up, none down near some wheelie bins round the back of the ’Spoons on Shields Road.’ offtothediarrhoearoomeuph. Caught short by an urgent need to paper the house. ‘Day 46 in the Celebrity Big Brother house, and after a night on the biryani, John McRirick’s off to diarrhoea room again.’ old bat phone, the n. The house’s landline telephone that is only ever called by one’s mother-in-law. ooh you are awful exclam. Said by a newly anointed man of

the cloth as he takes his leave in the style of Dick Emery’s famous sex-crazed blonde woman character, who was, apparently, named “Mandy” after Ms Rice-Davies out of off of the Profumo scandal. Don’t say we never learn you anything. peacock 1. n. A proud and resplendent ornamental fowl strutting across the lawn of a stately home, periodically making a noise like Sir Lenny

Henry. 2. n. An under-endowed gentleman who is hung like an Argos biro. Also known as a dickling, Ethel, or miniaturist. Posh Spice’s smile, as much use as sim. A scathing equivalence. From Lady Beckham’s happy face, which has apparently never been put into service by its owner. See also

as much use as ~ Kate Moss’s chip pan, ~a Glaswegian’s salad drawer etc. relaxative n. Reading material that is taken to the lavatory. restful service 1. n. In computers, an architectural style that defines a set of constraints and properties based on HTTP. 2. n. Any sexual activity that aids tranquil repose, eg. Hand job, horatio. schort n. Like a schlong, only shorter.

secret speech 1. n. Controversial address denouncing Stalin, made by Nikita Krushchev at the 1956 CPSU party congress. 2. n. A particularly shocking anal announcement delivered behind closed doors in a highly powered committee environment. selfie stick n. The male forearm.

shartenfreude n. Germ. Taking pleasure in the certainty that someone who has been making you miserable with their flatulence has just pushed too hard and followed through. shatisfaction n. That unequalled feeling of relief and joy after dropping at least one minibus load of kids off at the pool, possibly following a nail-biting photo finish. sophisticuffs n. A fight at the opera. spinster’s hand luggage, buzz

ing like a sim. ‘Mr Rees-Mogg told reporters that he was already buzzing like a spinster’s hand luggage at the prospect of post-Brexit Britain’s return to the 1950s.’ swinging a bat in the Holland Tunnel, like sim. US. Descriptive of performing the act of concubinage with a woman

who has a snatch like a builder’s rubble tub. Also throwing a hot dog down a hallway, waving a stick in a field, waving a sausage in the Albert Hall.

take me home button 1. n. Convenient feature of these sat-navs they have nowadays.

2. n. The bipper, starter button, magic jelly bean, devil’s doorbell, tremble trigger or trouser tonsil.

techno-tab n. An e-cigarette. Also R2D2’s cock.

Texas panhandle 1. n. Area consisting of the 29 most northerly counties of the Lone Star State. 2. n. A bigger than normal erection you feel the need to boast about.

Trump Turnberry 1. n. An exclusive Scottish ‘golf resort’ where Irn Bru is banned. 2.

n. A forceful air-biscuit that prompts the release of an unexpected clagnut.

20/20 vision euph. Overly optimistic visual appreciation of the opposite sex following an excessive intake of the eponymous, fruity, fortified wine. Fashionable beer goggles as prescribed by an alcopoptician. up before the governor euph. ‘ How did your night out go with that bird from behind the bar at the Feathers, grandad?’ ‘Smashing. I had her back at mine and up before the governor before lights out at eleven.’ waterboarding n. Perverse watersports variation in which the young lady sits upon her partner’s face and then proceeds to piss her scads.

womentating n. Feminine version of mansplaining. Continuing to go on about a poor fellow’s failings despite the fact that he is not particularly interested, clearly no longer listening, or asleep.

wretch-a-sketch n. Any low quality tattoo shop where the design of the shopfront fails to fill one with confidence as regards the proprietor’s artistic abilities. yonic boom n. An especially thunderous queef.