HOT WEATHER SPLITS COUNTRY IN TWO
FROM Land’s End to John O’Groats, this year’s sizzling summer has left Brits with just one topic of conversation … The drought. Now, as the scorching weather finally cools and the country’s depleted reservoirs slowly begin to refill, scientists are issuing dire warnings that, as the climate changes and global warming begins to bite, even worse droughts are headed our way in the years ahead.
“There’s no doubt about it. Next time we have a prolonged spell of nice weather, the country’s lakes and rivers will simply boil dry,” said Met Office forecaster Dr Zsa-Zsa Grenouille. “And that will be bad news for anyone who likes water, or who depends on it for their living.”
ponds
“For example, aquarium keepers and people who own ponds will be hit particularly hard by a catastrophic drought of the sort I am predicting, as they will have no fluid medium to keep their fish in,” said Dr Grenouille.
“Likewise, swimmers such as Duncan Goodhew, Adrian Moorhouse and Sharron Davies will find the parched earth very much not to their liking,” she continued. “And Tom Daley will have to find something else to fill his pool with, such as bubblewrap, cotton wool, or Quavers, before jumping thirty foot off the top board into it.”
skateboards
Canoeists, rowers and water-skiers are also expected to find conditions challenging in a post-water Britain. “Pottering about in my boat on a dried-up river or canal bed isn’t going to be nearly as much fun as doing it on water, I’ll admit,” said four-times Olympic gold medallist Sir Matthew Pinsent. “In fact I’ll probably have to screw a couple of skateboards on the bottom of it so I can get around a bit.”
“On the other hand, I won’t have to put my life jacket on any more, so it’s swings and roundabouts really,” he added.
Others were even less worried about a future drought desiccating the UK. “Quite frankly, it won’t affect me at all,” said CAMRA spokesman Clive Florid. “I only quaff foaming pints of real ale, you see. Water’s for softies.”
And the country’s cricketers were equally sanguine. “Rain is forever stopping play during test matches,” said England captain, Joe Root.
“Once the country becomes a parched, desolate, arid desert we’ll be able to play every day without having to go back into the pavilion, except for when we stop for lunch, tea, orange squash or bad light.”