WAR AND PISS
The New Edition of Roger’sRoger PROFANISAURUS to Celebrate the 40th Anniversary of Viz Comic
Agamemnon 1. n. prop. In classical mythology, one of the principle protagonists in Homer’s Iliad; the commander of the Greek forces during the seige of Troy. Don’t say we never fucking learn you anything. 2. n. An unimaginative gift purchaser; “the King OfArgos”. air of the dog n. Apungent morning-after touch of the vapours of which Rover would be proud. ancient wristory n. Anostalgic ham shank over an old flame. Also tosstalgia, pasturbation, quimsy. be-hymen n. Aperson’s anal virgin string, that may be be snapped inadvertently when falling awkwardly onto a milk bottle while wearing a loosefitting dressing gown, to pick an example entirely at random. Benito’s hat 1. n. Chain of popular Mexican eateries serving fresh burritos and, it says here, world famous margaritas. 2. n. Alatex prophylactic sheath that sits tightly atop the bald head of a chap’s angry dictator. bilious Fogg n. Aloud and boring workmate who recounts the particulars of his exotic round-the-world peregrinations in such mind-numbing detail that it makes you want to retch. bumdinger n. Aparticularly excellent poo, usually one of significant size or piquancy. Aproper door door handle handle biter. carbon fuckprint, reducing your phr. Saving fuel by getting your leg over a a lady lady in in your your own own street or village. chanus n. medic. Technical Technical term term describing describing that that deep deep dimdimple ple some some people, people, such such as as Kirk Kirk Douglas, Douglas, John John Travolta Travolta and and Robert Robert Mitchum, Mitchum, have have in in their their chins. chins. From From chin chin + + anus. anus. chipper 1. n. Asmaller A smaller version version of a chopper. 2. n. n. Scots. Scots.
The snatch of an enthusiastic and experienced lady, from the cautionary remonstrance “She’ll tak ye in as tatties and spit ye oot as chips”. clothestrophobic adj. Someone with a psychological aversion to normal garment wearing, eg. Naturists, strippers and female patrons of the Bigg Market, Newcastle upon Tyne. dick leave n. Time taken off work by a fellow to ease the embarrassment of having sent a photo of his genitalia to a colleague who has then shared it around the office. ‘I’m sorry, his worship is on six weeks’ dick leave at the moment. I can put you through to the town clerk’s office if you like.’ double dunk n. Afull and comprehensive act of teabagging, incorporating the full meat and two veg. dreamcatcher n. Asingle paper
tissue. droopon droopon coupons coupons n. n.
The The various various clues clues left left around, around, for for example example bits bits of of jamrag jamrag packaging packaging in in the the bathroom bathroom bin, bin, that that inform inform a a chap chap that that his his wife wife is is up up on on blocks blocks and and therefore therefore conjugally conjugally indisposed. indisposed. dry heat 1. n. Early means of sterilisation. 2. n. Following a spicy Ruby Murray or Chinese, a piping hot dropped hat which burns on the way out. embooziasm n. Dynamic fervour for a project consequent upon a certain amount of strong liquor having been taken on board. Also embooziastic. ‘The minister was originally very embooziastic that these negotiations could be successfully concluded with the minimum of fuss, but now he’s sobered up and decided to resign.’ essential maintenance euph. What a gent undertakes regularly to ensure that all his vital functions are in working order. A wee and a wank. facebook street n. Alurid virtual soap opera played out through a series of posts on social media, during the course of which a vague acquaintance’s life falls apart for your vicarious entertainment. fanticipation
1. n. Surge in excitement felt by young pop devotees just as they are about to see their idols walk on stage for the the first time. 2. n. Surge in excitement felt by blokes just as they are about to see their new bird bird’s fanny for the first time.
Gaviscon deluxe n. Baileys/
Cointreau cocktail. gland designs n. Tittoos, eg. “Mild” and “Bitter”, “This” and “That” etc. good lenses, bad frame euph. Ashallow judgement made of a person who possesses most of the important attributes that would make them a fine girlfriend/boyfriend but is let down by their outward appearance. go set a watchman 1. n. Title of the long-awaited sequel to Harper Lee’s famous novel To Kill a Mockingbird, that noone was really that fussed on when it come out, in the end.
2. v. After using the works bog, to leave a brown barge in the lock overnight (or preferably over the weekend). grainspotter n. Areal ale
enthusiast.
Greek drum kit, play the v. While squatting on the facilities in a Mediterranean establishment, to operate the pedal bin in order to dispose of used bumwad. handbrake n. The bag for life. here’s one from my new album exclam. Something to say before letting off, typically garnering a reaction of palpable disappointment from one’s audience. hindshite n. Retrospective alimentary wisdom. ‘With hindshite, I should never have eaten that second spicy chicken burger, your holiness.’ I don’t remember that song having those lyrics exclam. An amusing thing to say after dropping a gut at a gig, preferably during a quiet song. See also Judas!; ignore that, it’s
just a glitch in the matrix etc. just visiting Salisbury Cathedral, I was just exclam. When you’ve been caught red-arsed committing chemical warfare but care so little that you can’t be bothered to make up an even vaguely plausible excuse. THIS is a dirty slur on our great British way of life from those foreign johnnies.
Wing Commander Cuntly Cuntington OBE (Rtd), email
Kim Karkrashians n. Psychologically unstable Z-listers of the sort who regularly suffer “breakdowns” on Celebrity Big Brother, Celebrity Island with Bear Grylls, Celebrity Ghost Hunt Haunted Holiday (which is a real programme, we shit you not) etc. kingbast n. An expletive that can be used in an educational or family setting when, for example, dropping a vice onto your toe or falling off a trampoline onto Uncle Ian’s rake. Contraction of fucking + bastard.
King Charles III n. An imminent Thora. Not quite ready yet but you know it’s coming fairly soon. mannequim n. The carefully shaped and trimmed face fungus worn by every other fucking man in the street. meat-free diet n. Aperiod of
celibacy. milky wowsomes 1. n. Sort of name of a new chocolate product released by perhaps a well-known brand name manufacturer. 2. n. When on the crapper, a deeply unpleas-
ant shotgun blast of light-coloured diarrhoea and pungent Tony Harts.
my cock was bigger than
my balls euph. Remark when one admits they are no longer able to go on as long as they thought they could. ‘Sorry, Stormy, we’ll have to leave it there. My cock was bigger than my balls, I’m afraid.’‘Don’t worry, Mr 45th President elect, it happens to everyone at some time.’
piss fanfare n. Squeaky trouser trumpet that heralds the finale of a long and satisfying slash. pocket jostle n. Surreptitious inside job essayed by a furtive sex case on a crowded bus or packed train.
post-shit notes n. The handy stationery items with which a person wipes their fifties tea towel holder after passing a
Peter O’Toole. pricktionary n. Burke’s Peerage. prompt 1. n. Involuntary bottom
burp that slips out when using a urinal, giving the impression that an unseen, uncouth assistant has just cued-up the piss-flow. 2. exclam. Pre- pump
sotto voce call delivered in the style of an old-fashioned stage actor who has forgotten his lines.
quick on the buzzer 1. adj.
Somewhat flatulent, suffering from a slow puncture. 2. adj. Up and over like a pan of milk. referee’s whistle n. Navigating
an Acme Thunderer around a stubborn malteser lodged in the shitbox.
Robert Knobinson n. Afew stray hairs slicked over a shiny, smooth, pink dome in the manner of the late1970s
Call My Bluff/Ask The Family/ Brain of Britain host. Also
Bobby Charltons, Demond Morrises.
salad bowl at a barbecue, cunt like the sim. Something rather unappealing that, let’s face it, is pretty much destined to remain uneaten. second crop of tomatoes, a n.
Unwelcome reappearance of the Duke of Argylls, just when it seems that theAnusol is kicking in. shaft sisters n. Two or more unrelated females who are concurrently getting a rattling off the same bloke, probably Boris Johnson. It usually is.
sherry shawl n. Ametaphorical garment donned by an older lady to keep warm on the walk home from her local. See also bacardigan.
shite at the end of the tunnel
phr. Obstruction encountered
when travelling on the Bakerloo line. One in the chutney locker.
shoe show 1. n. US. Amajor American footwear retailer, apparently. 2. n. Erotic performance at a strip club during which the artiste only sports footwear. sweep the special chimney
v. To have it off; a phrase coined by Carol Midgley in The Times, which used to be known as the Paper of Record. these shares pay dividends
exclam. One of many announcements to be made prior to dropping a gut. See also our survey said; going once, going twice; I smell with my little nose, something beginning with; please hold for the president; I’ll name that tune in one etc.
unibum n. Them jeans that make women’s arses look like a single continuous buttock.
V&Amuseum 1. n. New, funny-shaped public building in Dundee where visitors can view familiar artifacts from a bygone age. 2. n. Large dung
hampers of the sort worn by ladies who have largely given up on intimacy.
walking the plank n. When having a gypsy’s kiss, starting with a long, forceful stream far from the toilet and then, as the flow gradually weakens, advancing tentatively towards the bowl. wanktuary n. Pater’s study where he is wont to disappear in the evenings to “check on some work emails”. you shall not pass! 1. exclam.
Iconic phrase intoned by Gandalf the Grey when battling the Balrog in The Lord Of The Rings. 2. exclam. Iconic phrase that can be intoned by anyone after loosing off an almighty
guff. guff.