CARPETS IN THE 2525 YEAR
THE YEAR IS 2525. Adult actress Stormy Daniels has been in cryogenic storage for more than 500 years after being frozen in the wake of her affair with US President Donald Trump. Now finally thawed out in a future that is beyond her wildest imaginings, a world where everything is not as it seems and nothing is how she remembers it, it is time for her to explore the future. This week, Stormy gets down on all fours to look at...
THE FIRST thing that strikes me about carpets in the year 2525 is the amazing variety of colours on offer. Of course, the old-fashioned neutral tones that were popular back in the 21st century when I let the future 45th POTUS fuck me - shades such as Oatmeal, Sand, Dark Beige and Light Beige - are still on sale. But now you can also choose carpet in a myriad of exotic spaceage hues, such as Silver Tobacco, Irridescent Barleycorn and Radioactive Champignon, which are a bit like normal carpet but with silvery tinsel woven in.
Carpet is also available in a brand new colour that simply didn’t exist before I was frozen in liquid nitrogen half a millennium ago. Colorex-3000 is a hue that scientists discovered hidden within the spectrum, and it is impossible to describe without actually seeing it. Colorex-3000 is a fashionable choice in the smartest homes of 2525, but such exclusivity comes at a cost: It’s 29.99 Space Credits per square yard, and that doesn’t include underlay or fitting.
BACK BEFORE I was put in cryogenic storage, I had my Los Angeles condo completely re-carpeted, using some of the $130,000 that Donald Trump gave me to keep schtum about letting him have it off with me. On the advice of my attorney Michael Avenatti, I went for a blue and pink Regency stripe pattern in an 80%/20% wool/polyester mix. Just like letting The Donald have a go on my twat, it was a decision I immediately regretted. It didn’t really go with the curtains or the sofa, and because my lounge isn’t exactly square, one of the stripes looked like it got wider as it ran along the skirting. But once it was down, I was stuck with it.
Here in 2525, that’s no longer a problem. Using liquid crystal technology, the pattern on a carpet can be changed electronically to suit the shape and decor of your room. If you decide you don’t like stripes, a single press of a button on a sleek, wrist-mounted carpet remote control, can instantly make it Paisley, zig-zags, tartan, polka-dots... or any one of billions of other stylish designs. Using a mobile phone ‘app’, you can even upload your favourite photo from your Instagram account and put that on your carpet too. The possibilities are endless. I only wish that this technology had been available 500 years ago!”
FIVE CENTURIES ago, I appreciated a carpet that had a thick, soft pile, as it was very forgiving on my knees when Donald Trump was trying to push his weird-shaped cock up me from behind. But on the other hand, that same comfy deep pile was a terrible trap for crumbs, pet hair and cigarette ash; it was a nightmare to keep it properly vacuumed. To solve this problem, the carpet makers of 2525 have turned to state-of-the-art science. The fibres of today’s deep-pile Axminsters are made of self-reproducing ‘nanobots’ that utilise advanced AI technology to constantly adjust their length to exactly match your immediate needs. A 3D 360˚ camera mounted in a discreet podule fitted to the ceiling monitors what you are doing and adapts the pile-height accordingly. For example, if you are shooting a spitroast video, the fibres will automatically increase their maximum length to keep your knees and elbows comfy. On the other hand, if you are having a game of marbles, the same fibres will instantly shrink themselves down to practically nothing. BACK IN the 21st century, having a carpet fitted meant dragging all the furniture out of the room before a fat man with a sweaty Dagenham smile slashed at your brand new Tufted Wilton with a Stanley knife before kneeing it roughly into place. Put simply, just like lying under Donald Trump as he heaved himself to a dribbly climax, it was an ordeal. But that’s no longer the case. Because here halfway through the third millennium, carpets no longer come on a roll hanging out the back of a van. These days, they come in a tin … in liquid form. Your new liquid carpet is simply poured onto the floor, where it spreads out evenly, under your furniture and around your chair legs until it meets your skirting boards. A catalyst is then added, which initiates a chemical polymer chain reaction that turns the liquid into solid carpet. All that remains is to tack it down in the corners to stop it riding up when you’re vaccing. ONE PRINCIPLE that hasn’t changed over the 500 years I’ve been in a super-cooled torpor is that a carpet can be made or broken by the quality of its underlay. Money skimped on this vital element of the fitting process is false economy, just as it was back in the day when - against my better judgement - I gave Trump a shot on my snatch. But here in 2525, the risk of picking the wrong grade of underlay is happily a thing of the past. Woven into every modern carpet’s hemp backing are billions of molecule-sized neodymium magnets. A current passed through a special metalised coating painted onto the floorboards creates an electromagnetic charge that repels the carpet, causing it to hover 1cm above the floor on a luxurious cushion of invisible flux.