LETTER BOCKS

THEY say that if a snooker ball was blown up to be the same size as the Earth, the Earth would be smoother. These so-called scientists have clearly never seen the state of the potholes in the roads around the Cambridgeshire/ Norfolk border.

Thanston Crabb, Wisbech

LAST night I dreamt that I was having an amazing night on the piss with my mates. When I woke up I was delighted to find that my mouth didn’t taste like a cat had taken a shit in it and my wallet still contained some cash. However, my joy was tainted by the fact that my alarm clock went off just as I was about to enter a top-drawer strip club. Have any of your other readers had a more bittersweet awakening?

Tom Cowie, Glastonbury

I’VE never understood the saying “It goes like stink” to indicate that something is very fast. Whenever I drop one in a crowded room, it generally takes a good 8 to 10 seconds before the people at the back start to retch.

John Foster, Liverpool

WITH so many people these days ordering their drugs online via the dark web, it can only be a matter of time before drug pushers vanish from our streets. Yet another part of our familiar British high street disappearing before our eyes in the name of ‘progress’.

Phil Kitching, Isle of Jura

WHY is it that classical musicians in orchestras get lauded as being the crème de la crème in the world of instrumentalists, when they all require sheet music to help them remember the tune? I saw Napalm Death a few weeks ago and they didn’t have to look at a book once. They could remember all the songs just fine, and most of their ones are loads faster than any Beethoven or Mozart.

Gustav Fox, Haggerston

THE other day I was watching TV news with the sound off when I saw a somewhat attractive middle-aged woman giving an interview. I thought it might be Donald Trump’s pornstar girlfriend, Stormy Daniels, but I couldn’t be sure as I’ve only ever seen her with jitler dribbling down her chin. Have any of your readers got a picture of Stormy Daniels without jitler dribbling down her chin so as I can tell if it was her or not?

Steve, New York

HOW come countries like Japan get to be 9 hours ahead of us here in the UK? It hardly seems fair. I’ve just started work here, but if we too were 9 hours ahead, I’d be on the bus home. If I wasn’t unemployed.

George Charles Hill, Elephant and Castle

WHEN I see a pretty girl going to the lavatory, I always wonder if she’s going for a pee or a poo. Do you think they wonder the same about me? Simon, Tooradin

I’VE always considered myself to be pretty hard. I reckon I could walk into a pub with dogs on the roof and order a sherry, no problem. Can any of your readers beat that?

Agamemnon Trellis, North Wales

I’VE often heard it said that a mouse can get into the smallest of holes; in fact, any place where you can shove a pencil. If this is true, then surely the onus is on the pencil industry to help eradicate mice infestations in the home by making their pencils smaller.

Chester Squeezeworth, Crewe WHAT kind of crab was that in Letterbocks in the last issue, please? Mat, Stockport

* We haven’t got a clue, Mat, it was the first royalty-free picture of a crab we came across on the net. If there are any marine biologists amongst our readership, or any zoologists who specialise in decapodic custraceans who could identify what type of crab it was, write in and we’ll pass it on to Mat.

WHY don’t animals have breasts? You see nipples on dogs, cats and pigs and the like, but why no breasts? I for one think that seeing large golden retriever with massive tits would be quite astounding. And it would certainly take our minds off of things like Brexit, or the current state of affairs in Washington DC.

Helmet Icepop, Cardiff

IF Geoffrey Boycott ever became a vegan, which do you think he’d bang on about the most; being from Yorkshire, or being a vegan?

Arthur Guff-Whippet, Basingstoke

I SPOTTED this on the label of some pink tonic water. It looks impressive, with its picture of an old-fashioned sailing ship and the reassuring statement ‘Since MMXVII’. Impressive, that is, until you work out that MMXVII is 2017. Has anyone seen a more blatant exploitation of the public’s inability to count in Latin?

Bikkus Dikkus, Newbury

AFTER recently attending a recording of the Antiques Roadshow, I noticed that I actually appeared on the programme in the background. In today’s modern age, this now makes me a celebrity. I would like to use your pages to let everyone know that I am available for the opening of local One Stops, guest speaking, or switching on the Christmas lights in Hartlepool.

Michael Thompson, North Wales

DESPITE what the Remaniacs say, I think Brexit will be brilliant for Britain. I heard a bloke say it down the pub, and he’s a window cleaner so he should know.

Cunty McBallbag, Lymington

I WILL always buy a manual car because the act of changing gear provides the perfect conditions for forcing out a trapped fart. Depressing the clutch as hard as possible while pulling the gear stick is all you need to free an incommodious frump. And you can ride the clutch for a while if it’s a long ‘un. Lawrence, Duff

I RECKON semi-detached houses should be named semiattached houses, what with people telling us we should be more positive and that.

A PROFANISAURUS entry in your last issue (Viz 278) claims that “Exit pursued by a bear” is a famous stage stage direction from Shakespeare’s play Twelfth Night.

This is a glaring inaccuracy, as the instruction is actually from The

Winter’s Tale which was written over a decade later by the Stratford-dwelling bard. I do realise that, in pointing out this mistake, I will appear all high-brow and sneering to my fellow

Viz readers. With this in mind, I’d like to point out that I spotted this error while sat on the throne with my trousers around my ankles and an unwiped nipsy, choking on the unholy stench of my own turd fumes.

Patrick Thornton, Utley

I KNOWa chap who made it to the grand old age of 100 today, and sure enough, he received a card from Her Majesty the Queen with a lovely photo of her on the front. As pleasant as this may be, if I’d hit 100 today, I would far rather have got a picture of Megan, Kate and Pippa in Union Jack bikinis. Perhaps it’s something the Palace could look into.

Mike Oxlong, Hexham

DENTISTS make their living fixing people’s bad teeth, so why would I buy toothpaste recommended by 4 out of 5 dentists? It seems to me that they’ve got a nice little scam going on there. In the future I won’t bother brushing my teeth at all, see how they like them apples.

Ivor Cummin, Broadbottom

IT’S a shame that Americans no longer seem to call cars ‘automobiles’ or even ‘ve-hicles’ any more. If it wasn’t for them muddling up fannies and arses, they’d be no fun at all.

Phil Kitching, Isle of Jura

WHAT’S all this about the former Leeds United front man Arthur Graham being up for all these top jobs? If you want a safe pair of hands, what about former Chelsea and England goalkeeper Peter “The Cat” Bonetti? Could Mr Graham throw the ball one-armed half-way down the pitch? I don’t think so.

Rob Ryan, Oxford

IN the last Biffa Bacon strip, your artist drew the church as having its main porch on the north side, and entering via the tower! From the outside, the nave was clearly of only 4 bays, yet the interior was shown to have at least 6. And although Gothic, the church was the wrong shape and proportion for either the Early English or Decorated style. This lack of realism undermined the credibility of the story and spoiled my enjoyment. But I did see at least two Jimmy Hills.

Nick Short, Adelaide

“ONE minute he was there, the next minute he was gone”. This phrase is often used by someone to describe the supposedly instant disappearance of a person from where they were standing. In my opinion, however, sixty seconds is quite a long time to take your leave of someone. If it took me sixty seconds to walk away from a person, I would consider myself either very, very old, or lost.

Terry Farricker, Blackpool

I HEARD something on a documentary the other day that apparently we know more about the surface of the Moon than we do about our oceans. Frankly these socalled “oceanographers” need to pull their fucking fingers out and get some real work done.

P. I. Staker, Minster On Sea

YOU hardly ever see those TVs with the big backs any more. Yet microwave ovens seem reluctant to move with times and embrace this more up-to-date plasma technology. Come on microwave companies, let’s go flatscreen and drag our kitchens kicking and screaming out of the 90s.

Gustav Fox, Dalston

HOW come whenever we have a heatwave, the authorities impose a hosepipe ban, yet whenever we have torrential rain there is no opposite rule to make sure we all turn our hosepipes on daily? Come on, water companies, get your act together. It seems there’s one rule for droughts and another for extreme flood events.

Richard Bowen, Pontardawe IF you believe their slogan, Gillette is “the best a man can get”. However, I just got a blowjob and I would take that over a pack of razors any day of the week. Brian Saxby, Chicago

IT’S always disappointed me that dogs don’t piss while they shit. When I shit, I always do at least a bit of wee. Come on dogs, give it a go, see if you like it. William Mylchreest, Leamington Spa

I AM Robert Mueller, head of the Special Counsel investigation into Russian interference in the 2016 Presidential Election and possible collusion with the Trump Campaign. It has come to my attention that you may be in possession of some potentially compromising visual material which shows one of the President’s offspring during a visit to Moscow, consorting with a woman engaged by the Kremlin: specifically, placing a kiss on her posterior. I was wondering if you could publish this photograph in your next issue in order that I can verify whether the man it depicts is indeed one of Donald Trump’s children. Refusal to comply with this request will lead to immediate freezing of all your US accounts and will nullify all visas you may hold allowing you to enter US territory.

Robert Mueller, Head of Special Counsel Investigation

BRUCE Springsteen famously sang “Tramps like us, baby we were born to run”. Almost all the tramps I’ve seen have worn-out shoes, carry lots of carrier bags and probably couldn’t run more than two steps before their trousers fell down. So much for the boss’s “Socially Aware” lyrics.

Michael Féaux, Kusterdingen

I TOLD my wife that, in my opinion, she was so good at hoovering that she ought to try mowing the lawn since it involves essentially the same action. Instead of being flattered by my compliment, she reacted very angrily. There’s just no pleasing some people.

Phil Kitching, Isle of Jura

I HAVE to say I feel really sorry for Donald Trump. I’ve never had to pay women to keep quiet about having sex with me. They’re usually so ashamed, they’re only too happy to keep it between ourselves.

Steve Crouch, Peterborough

MY 94-year-old Grandmother was happily married for over 70 years. She once told me to find someone who feels the same way about me as I feel about them, and we’ll be happy forever. However, my wife and I hate each other and have done for some time and, quite frankly, neither of us are happy. My ‘wise’ Nan needs to get her fucking act together.

DOES anyone know the result of that EU referendum we had back in 2016? I’ve been eager to know the outcome but haven’t heard a thing about it since the vote.

Gareth Entwistle, Burnley

HOW can we ever be really sure that horses aren’t just doing horse-type things, and not just horsing-around? I don’t know much about horses, but perhaps some kind of horse professor could spend some time watching them and then arrive at some sort of conclusion as to their behaviour. I would be interested in the findings, unless the experiment lasted beyond a few weeks, in which case I would probably not be interested that much, to be truthful, and I am going to Rhyl in August.

Terry Farricker, Blackpool

I PUT a Fruit Pastille in my mouth in 1987 and I still haven’t chewed it. I don’t even like Fruit Pastilles.

IT beggars belief how gullible some people are about the so-called “pollution” caused by discarded refuse, plastics and other non-recyclable packaging and whathave-you. When you consider the fact that absolutely everything we use is made from chemicals and elements extracted from the earth in the first place, it puts quite a different slant on the argument. These so-called ‘scientists’ can’t pull the wool over my eyes.

T O’Neill, Glasgow

I WAS shocked and appalled to see a recent newspaper headline announcing: ‘Putin’s Hitmen on British Streets’. What’s the world coming to when even Russian assassins can’t afford to pay their rent? Come on Mr Putin, do the decent thing and sort your hitmen out with some proper digs.

Ethel Perestroika, Salisbury

I WILL never understand female logic. The other day, my wife asked me if I had used her toothbrush to clean dog muck from the sole of my trainer. What a stupid question. I’m hardly likely to have used my own toothbrush to do it, am I?

T O’Neill, Glasgow

I TOOK out a subscription to your comic, but when my free mug arrived, it was smashed. The packaging was in really good condition though. It actually looks like it might have been damaged before it was packed.

Philip, Birmingham

I WONDER how many animals we jumped on the back of before we realised that horses were cool with it.

Ross Kennett, Kent

WHAT with the latest fad for remaking old movies, isn’t it time they remade Confessions of a

Window Cleaner? They could bring it bang up to date, and in the new version we could even get to see it going in. If they aren’t going to show it going in, then I don’t know why they are wasting their time.

Douglas Pouch, Tiverton

IF anyone on the tills in TK Maxx is reading this, if I’m in your shop I’m certainly not doing anything exciting this afternoon. Asking me just emphasizes the bleakness of my existence, which is probably not part of your corporate mission statement.

James Brown, Edinburgh

WHY

did the stormtroopers in Star Wars bother wearing helmets and armour? It was seemingly ineffective against almost everything.

Gustav Fox, Dalston

A LOT of people who have appeared on Celebrity Big

Brother say that they didn’t go the show for the payday, but in order to change the public’s perception of them. I for one happen to think they have achieved their goal, as most of them come out looking even bigger cunts than before they went in.

Torbjorn Crisp, Dundee

CONTRARY to the usual advice, whenever I leave the house I make sure I’m wearing my oldest, shittiest underwear possible. If I happen to get hit by a bus, the shame of having the doctors see my skiddy pants would probably kill my mother, and I stand to inherit quite a tidy sum.

Steve Crouch, Peterborough

NOW that we’re soon to be out from under the nannying yoke of Brussels, I wonder if sweet manufacturers will once again paint the ends of their ‘Candy Sticks’ red and return to printing ‘Sweet Cigarettes’ across the outside packaging?

Tommy Messerschmitt, Consett.

I THINK that the most exciting part of the triathlon is not the finish, but the part where they emerge from the water and go looking for their bikes. I have no interest in cycling, or swimming or running, but the possibility of someone having had their bike nicked, with them running up and down frantically, worrying what they are going to say to their parents, keeps me glued to the set. They could always get a bike lock. Surely a few seconds delay would be better than a clip round the ear when they got home.

Rob Ryan, Oxford, UK