The Viz Letterbocks VIP Roped-off Area

I’M Ted Robbins and you once published a letter concerning me going on about being Paul McCartney’s first cousin onceremoved, whilst Sir Paul has never once mentioned me. Well he still hasn’t, but could I be in your New VIP Roped-off Area? I was nominated for ‘Regional TV Presenter of The Year’ for Boot Sale Challenge about 12 years ago, but things have been a bit quiet for me lately. It really would give a boost to my confidence.

Ted Robbins, email

MY novel, Love Sex Work Murder got to number 1 on the English crime novel download chart on Amazon (admittedly when it was on free Kindle promotion, but we don’t need to mention that), and I’ve also been on telly, so I clearly qualify as a celebrity. I’d like this letter to go in your roped-off area and you could fill the rest of the page with an image of my book. You can either nick a photo from the Amazon website or you can ask my agent to send you one.

Neal Bircher, London

Oh, dear. No offence, Ted or Neal, but neither of you are the type of celebrity we had in mind. We were thinking more along the lines of David Beckham, Madonna or George Clooney. Your letters can remain in the roped-off area for the time being, but if any better quality celebrities write in, such as... well... anybody really, then we’re afraid your letters will be unceremoniously turfed out by the Viz bouncers.