The AB of C Dr Justin Welby

ANSWERS YOUR ECCLESIASTICAL PROBLEMS

IGO TO church every week but I squashed one of my plums sitting on the pew, and now I’m worried that I’m going to Hell.

I am 34 and my wife is 36. We have been married for 12 years and attend the Sunday morning service at our local church every Sunday without fail.

Last week, I stood up to do the Lord’s prayer, and after saying Amen I sat down. However, I was wearing an old, unsupportive pair of boxer shorts at the time, and as I did so I accidentally squashed one of my bollocks, like men do sometimes. It really knacked, and made my eyes water.

I immediately thought of Chapter 21, verse 20 of Leviticus where it states quite clearly that no man who has been “injured in the stones” shall be admitted to the Assembly of the Lord. And that made me worry that all my good works and all the time I’ve spent praying, singing hymns and raising money for the church roof are all for nothing, simply because I accidentally squashed one of my clockweights. Please put my mind at rest, Justin. I don’t want to go to Hell.

Mr B., Rutland

• Justin says...

It would be a very a harsh and capriciously judgemental God indeed that punished a faithful believer simply because he sat funny on one of his plums. Unfortunately, however, that is exactly the sort of God that He is.

But don't worry. Reading between the lines of Leviticus, it says that you shouldn’t “enter” His congregation if you have crushed or damaged stones. Presumably, your nads were tickety-boo when you arrived at church that morning, so, in my opinion, you should probably be alright. Only go back to church next week if all the swelling has gone down, the throbbing has subsided a bit, and your poor old nads have been restored to their factory settings.