ST ☆R LETTER

I DON’T know why lepidopterists waste their time running around with those stupid nets. Surely it would be much simpler to collect the pupa in a jar, wait for it to hatch, and then Hey Presto, you have your precious butterfly without getting a hernia chasing after it.

Billy Wiffles, Cheam

INSTEAD of just floating around the oceans moaning about getting tangled up in plastic, why don’t turtles try a bit harder to evolve their way around the problem? You didn’t see early primates complain when they had to develop three-dimensional sight to avoid snake attacks, they just got on with it. And who rules the Earth now?

Dave Attenborough, Ayia Napa

RECENTLY, I pumped whilst holding my mobile phone, which just happened to be on the Shazam app. After 15 seconds or so, it came up with Mouldy Old Dough by Lieutenant Pigeon. I was just wondering if any other readers have pumped a 1970s novelty hit. Maybe The Streak by Ray Stevens or the theme from Van der Valk by the Simon Park Orchestra?

Tarquin Du Pre, Middlesbrough

WHAT a con this electricity is. They deliver it to you along a red wire, then they take it straight back off you in a black one. You never get to keep any of the electricity they have sold you.

Brian M, Sale

THERE’S no need for people to worry about the value of their homes decreasing by 30% after Brexit. After all the help that taxpayers gave the banks when they got into a little bit of trouble, I’m sure they’ll return the favour by reducing everyone’s mortgages accordingly. After all, we’re all in it together.

Indigo Pipkin, London

‘SAVING You Money Every Day’ my local Asda proclaims in big letters as you walk in. Well, the last time I went in there I came out £80 lighter. Saving me money my arse.

Eldon Furse, email

SCIENTISTS say that a Mediterranean diet is the secret to a long life. Well I retired to Alicante a year ago and have had a hearty full English breakfast with chips all washed down by 10 pints of industrial grade lager every day while I’ve been here. Now I’ve just been diagnosed with chronic heart disease. I hope we aren’t paying these so called experts much.

Corky Crevice, Alicante

ARE farts carcinogenic in the same way cigarettes are? I would love to know, just for peace of mind.

Farty O’Day, Kilkenny

I THINK dogs these days should be ashamed of themselves, whimpering over a firework. How do they think their dog forefathers felt during the Blitz, I wonder? Dogs today need to man up, the big

fannies.

Mike Hunt, Bath

DOES anyone know what delivery company Acme used to get their contraptions to Wile E. Coyote? Because 40 years ago they could deliver high-tech equipment straight to the customer in the middle of the desert in a matter of minutes. Nowadays you have to wait about 5 days for someone to throw your fragile electronic device over your neighbour’s gate. Hardly progress, is it?

Humphrey Cushion, Middlesex

I ALWAYS feel compelled to wash my hands three times after having a pee. I don’t have OCD, just a really smelly cock.

Dan, Deal

BACK in 1993, I saw comedian Arthur Mullard walking down Dean Street in London. Then, not fifteen seconds later, I saw actor Derek Jacobi walking in the same direction. I have since often wondered whether they had been for a drink together, perhaps in the nearby celebs’ watering hole The Groucho Club, or was it just coincidence that they were on the same street? Whilst they are both famous, they do seem like unlikely drinking partners. But then it does seem to be a fantastic coincidence seeing two famous people within the space of 15 seconds. Sadly, since Mullard died two years later, I guess we’ll never know.

Tommy Ballsup, Sheffield

* Were you in the Groucho Club, or any other pub near Dean Street in 1993, and if so, did you see Arthur Mullard and Derek Jacobi having a drink together? Or perhaps you know Derek Jacobi, and could ask him if he remembers having a drink with Arthur Mullard some 25 years ago. Or perhaps you actually are Derek Jacobi and can tell us directly. Write to us at the usual address, marking your envelope “I saw Arthur Mullard and Derek Jacobi”, “I know Derek Jacobi” or “I am Derek Jacobi”, as required.

THAT Dick Dastardly cartoon character and his sidekicks were a bit shit when you think about it. Me and my mate caught a pigeon with the works van the other morning and we weren’t even trying.

Stephen Cochrane, Gateshead

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WOULD any readers like to play noughts and crosses with me? I can only imagine the boost in magazine sales that will result in 7-8 months time as the game reaches its climax. I’ll go first and place a cross in the bottom right hand corner.

Mr S Andrews, Bristol * Well, Mr Andrews has thrown down the gauntlet. Would any Viz reader like to pick it up? The first person to write in and say where they want to put their nought gets to play, and it’s game on.

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TEACHERS must stop children drawing happy faces in the sun when they are painting. The increase in global temperature is having a massive effect on the environment, melting polar ice caps, raising the sea level and fuelling severe weather patterns, not to mention the harm the solar radiation causes to human skin. The effects of global warming and skin cancers are no laughing matter. Drawing smiley faces in the sun simply belittles the truth of how serious these problems are.

Sonny Day, Skegness ⬜

DOES anyone know why J. Geils was so ashamed that his angel was a centrefold in the song of the same name? I would have thought it was something to be proud about. Unless, of course, the magazine she was in was Razzle . Or Aged Cunts. Joel, email ⬜

I DON’T go to Domino’s Pizza to have a boil lanced, so why should I buy a pizza made by Dr Oetker? It seems to me that the quacks have a few too many get-rich-quick schemes on the go. No wonder the NHS is fucked.

Murray Eel, Truro

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THE cover of Viz issue 250 (Nov 2015) proudly proclaims to contain “All your favourite cartoons!” This is not the case. My favourite cartoon is the animated German porno version of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, as seen by tens of thousands of service personnel stationed in BAOR in the 70s and 80s. Please get your facts right on your covers in future.

Bob Pitt, Kendal ⬜

THIS Spice Girls reunion is really taking me back in time. I used to ignore them and their shit music in the 90s and now I’m doing the same again, it’s making me think back to that great decade. Three cheers for the Spice Girls! Except Posh, the miserable cow.

Steve Crouch, Peterborough ⬜

BACK in the 70s, you would always see footballers covered in mud on Match of the Day. These days they leave the pitch as clean as when they came out. Come on, footballers. Earn some of the millions you are paid and get covered in shit on Match of the Day again.

Terry Wilson, Lindfield ⬜

HAVE any of your readers noticed that impact craters on the moon look a bit like cats bum holes? There. You don’t get scientific insight like that on The Sky At Night.

Pandora Spox, email

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YOU have to feel sorry for the royals, I reckon. All those free dinners and all that booze they never have to pay for must take its toll. I never gave this a second thought until I went on an all-inclusive to Benidorm last summer. After a week, I was like, “Enough already.” So, God bless you Ma’am.

Tobamory Shitcrumbs, Leeds ⬜

THE other night, my husband farted in the hallway and set off our smoke alarm. Have any other Viz readers done that?

Dr. Heather Jenkinson, Halesowen

* Well, readers. Have YOU ever farted and set off Dr Jenkinson’s smoke alarm? Write in and let us know. Mark your envelope or email subject “I’ve farted and set off Dr Jenkinson’s smoke alarm.” ⬜

I’VE often heard the expression, “As fit as a butcher’s dog.” However, I’ve just found out that after a long, protracted illness, my butcher’s dog is dead. So, I wonder what all the so-called experts out there have to say about that one.

Russet Apples, Dorking

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THE other week I received a text from the actor Michael Caine. It read: ‘My name is Michael Caine,’ followed by ‘You were only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!’ However, it turned out that it was actually sent to me by my mate Ed. But I’m telling you, if you closed your eyes, you would swear it was a text from Michael Caine.

D Williams, Donegal ⬜

I RECENTLY booked a massage at our local Thai massage parlour inthehopethatIwouldreceivea‘happy ending’. Unfortunately, however, neither myself nor the masseuse had the courage to broach the subject and the massage ended without the finale I had hoped for, leaving me somewhat frustrated. All was not lost, however, as when the masseuse left the room, I finished myself off into my sock.

Jeffrie Jibs, East London

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REMEMBER last year when that whale died and they looked inside its stomach and found 50 undigested plastic bags? Well, I don’t know about you, but my mum always used to keep a load of spare plastic bags inside one big bag, in the cupboard where she kept our garlic bread, Rola Cola and that fine rain that soaks you through. She certainly never used the stomach of a whale!

Peter Kay, Bolton ⬜

WHY hasn’t George Orwell come up with a sequel to 1984? He could easily have written 1985, and maybe even 1986 to complete the trilogy. Or he could possibly have followed it up with a prequel called 1980 or something. There so much potential in the 198x franchise, it’s a shame to see it go to waste like this.

Ben Nunn, Caterham ⬜

IT’S all very well for people to say, “I’d lock them up and throw away the key.” But I’d like to see them try collecting the slop bucket through the viewing hatch of the cell door. As a former prison screw, I’ve tried and it wasn’t a pretty sight.

Roland Barraclough, Slade