TOULOUSE, FRANCE

It’s hard to believe, but kicking Piers Morgan in the bollocks is actually against the law. Amazingly, after striking, there is always the risk that we could be arrested and charged with a criminal offence before we have the chance to make our getaway. But soon, thanks to research being carried out at the laboratories of armaments manufacturer Aerospatiale Francaise, this prospect may well become a thing of the past.

Scientists there are developing remotely controlled ‘drone’ boots capable of delivering accurately targeted hoofs to the supercilious arsehole’s fruitbowl from the other side of the world. An operator in California could pilot a ‘daisycutter’ drone boot just inches above the floor of Morgan’s breakfast television studio in London, over 5,000 miles away.

Undetected by TV-AM radar, the boot would then rear up suddenly in the last millimetre of its trajectory and deliver a pinpoint haymaker straight into the conceited presenter’s chicken skin handbag, leaving him crosseyed and heaving in agony as the director cuts to an early commercial break.

“The advantage of this approach is that there would no collateral damage,” says head researcher Dr Charlotte Buffon. “Innocent people in Morgan’s close vicinity, such as his co-host Susanna Reid or weather presenter Laura Tobin, would be completely unscathed.”