GOVE DEMANDS UK SPELL CHECK!
FORMER education secretary Michael Gove today called for drastic measures to improve Britain's standards of spelling and grammar - after revealing that nearly ninety percent of emails he receives from constituents misspell the word ‘bellend’.
The Edinburgh-born minister, 51, made the shocking announcement on The Andrew Marr Show on Sunday morning.
He told Marr: “In my fourteen years as a member of parliament, I have received literally thousands of emails, letters and faxes from the great British public. And it saddens me to say that, in nearly every one of them, the word ‘bellend’ has been spelled incorrectly.”
slides
Gove went on to show slides of various correspondences sent to him by his constituents since 2005 - the overwhelming majority of which contained bellend-based orthographical blunders.
“The most common misspelling in the communications I receive is to erroneously hyphenate the word bellend, making it bell-end’,” Gove explained. “This is demonstrated in a letter I got from a constituent a week ago, which contained the phrase: ‘Gove, you fucking fish-faced bell-end.’”
swings
The minister continued: “Another regular mistake my correspondents make is to split ‘bellend’ into two separate words - ‘bell end’ - as seen in an email that arrived in my inbox just this morning, and began: ‘Dear Michael, you are a big, fucking bell end’.”
“Incredible though it seems,” Gove continued, “I’ve even had one that read ‘why don’t you stick your cock in a pig like Cameron did, you fucking belend’, with one ‘l’. Honestly, it beggars belief,” the minister added with a hollow chuckle.
roundabouts
However, the Aberdeen-raised Tory MP went on to reveal that “bellend” is not the only word that is regularly botched by brainless Brits in the missives that swamp his desk. Other common orthographical crimes Gove routinely encounters in his correspodence include:
• Spelling ‘twat’ with double t on the end
• Splitting both ‘fuckwit’ and ‘tosspot’ into two words
• Numerous spelling and grammatical mistakes within the phrase, ‘You weedy, fucking wet-lipped arsehole’
Gove concluded the press conference by telling journalists: “Britain leads the way in so many aspects - industry, trade, environment, healthcare - but until our woeful standards of spelling and grammar are brought up to scratch, we will always be a bit-part player on the world stage.”
“We must take immediate and drastic action to resolve this problem once and for all,” the weedy, Pob-faced, wet-lipped bellend added.
Minister slams ‘woeful’ standards of British orthography