Roger's 2019 PROFANISAURUS
abroadie adj. (əˈbrɔːd-ee) Theatrical version of the Geordie accent unaccountably adopted by Newcastle folk after they move away from the north east, even if they didn’t have much of an accent before. ASWAD/aswad abbrev. A Single Wank A Day. A sensible ration for a growing lad if he is to avoid stunted growth, hairy palms, blindness and insanity. barber’s pole n. Tricky male masturbatory technique entailing a helical clockwise twist on the upstroke. blacksmith’s cramp n. medic. Lower right arm complaint suffered by those who do a lot of hammering. bounce out 1. n. In darts, when your dart doesn’t stick in the board due to it hitting the wire instead. 2. n. In sex, when your willy doesn’t stick in the fanny or arse due to it hitting the notcher instead.
BPS n. abbrev. A more modern version of the traditional beer compass; an inbuilt system that safely guides you home when lost and wankered in an unfamiliar metropolis. Beer Positioning System.
Brussels sprout 1. n. Member of the Gemmifera group of cabbages (Brassica oleracea), that is cultivated for its edible buds. 2. n. A member of the family who is seen once a year at the Christmas dinner table, despite the fact no-one likes them. celebrate too early 1. v. Of a sportsperson, to whoop it up prematurely, that is to say before the ball crosses the line, reaches the boundary, makes its way over the net etc. 2. v. To be up and over like a pan of milk. See also let the passengers off the bus before the stop. ‘Sorry Monica. I think I might have celebrated a bit too early there. That’ll just sponge off.’ cheetabix n. Any cheaper, supermarket-own-brand ersatz variety of the real thing. christmas clacker n. A forlorn and foetid dump valve after twelve days of eggnog and rich festive fodder. clam slam n. Feminine version
ofa teabagging. completion fluid 1. n. In the oil industry, a salty solution that is piped under pressure into the production zone during the final stages of drilling. 2. n. Spaff. crapas n. Sp. A selection of small turds which vary considerably in texture and colour, deposited into the bum sink the day after a suspiciously good value all-you-can-eat buffet. dip your bread in this! exclam.
Something to be said before letting off. See also name that tune; our survey said; let’s see if you’re right and if so, how many people said it. dog chalk n. The elusive white canine excrement that was everywhere in the 1970s. If lightly gripped, dog chalk could be used to draw on pavements. Enoch bowels n. medic. The runs, two bob bits or fizzy gravy mixed with “rivers of blood” from an internal pile issue or a particularly robust curry. Named in honour of the horrible 1970s politician. exit music n. An epic and glorious quackfest of a symphonic nature. flapier mâché n. Fr. A tiny piece of moist toilet paper sometimes found whilst performing the act of cumulonimbus. floats like a butterfly and stings like VD phr. Below-the-belt boxer’s apophthegm. gobzilla n. A person of monstrous dentition. ‘Today’s birthdays: Sissy Spacek, American actress, 1949; Dildo, British singer-songwriter, 1971; Shane McGowan, Irish-born gobzilla, 1957.’ goo goo muck 1. n. Cramps song recently played by wireless weirdo Tom Ravenscroft. 2. n. Spunk. hypolybast n. A portmanteau
term describing any politician, of any party. From hypocritical + lying + bastard. if it’s up there I’ll give you the money myself exclam. Caustic remark made by a bored prostitute upon a drunken punter’s third attempt to penetrate her. irn maiden n. Scots. A lassie with a healthy, natural skin tone hovering around the Pantone® 021C mark.
I’ve struck oil! exclam. Humorous utterance upon following through in public at the end of a smashing night on the black stuff. Johnson’s baby oil 1. n. Popular mild unguent for those with sensitive skin. 2. n. The current hypolybast for Uxbridge and South Ruislip’s surprisingly fecund jitler. knickerpedia n. Youthfully well-thumbed reference section of your mother’s Littlewoods catalogue. lady of leisurewear n. Perennially tracksuited female who, despite her taste in clothing, doesn’t seem to care much for exercise or otherwise getting off her arse in general. lart v. you fart To. laugh so much that
‘Mr Will Sommers did tell his Majestie a storie of two nunnes in a bath, and King Henry was verily amused, such thatte he did lart, whyche was the talk of the Court even until Michaelmas.’ let the passengers off the bus before the stop euph. To spend your money before you get to the shop; a phrase used by Ellie and Izzie from Leeds on Gogglebox.
London museum visitor euph. A fellow who is quite happy to use both the front and rear entrances, viz. One who is quite happy to spend his time “poking around in the V&A”. See also play your cards right and I’ll take you up the V&A. mackem-ole n. Mushy peas - as made famous by Peter Mandelson’s visit to a north eastern chippy some years ago. milk monitor n. A breast man. ‘Your grandad never misses Only Connect, you know. He’s always been a milk monitor.’ monster munch 1. n. A popular snack that is unlikely to form part of your government-recommended five-a-day. 2. n. A prolonged act of oral delight performed on one with a lovely personality, in order to avoid having to look at their face. motion of no confidence n. A distinctly trepidatious sit-down toilet adventure. nun’s knickers, dry as a sim. A jocular rhetorical flourish that can be employed when ordering a drink. Also dry as a moth sandwich, dry as a budgie’s tongue. peaky blinders n. A spectacular pair of whiztits of such remarkable shape and pertness that they could easily take someone’s eye out pissed stop n. A drunken visit to an all night garage to buy biscuits, breakfast cereals and pornographic magazines. poo day n. An occasional day off work, caused by one needing to do a lot of poos. Like a duvet day, but spent on the shitter. poopane n. Explosive, noxious gas emminating from the anal fissure. Carbon dibaxide. poup pf the day n. When you forget to flush and find that the unattended bum spuds have marinated to form a rich, brown pottage. pro-active 1. n. Yellow slime that claims to reduce cholesterol as long as you also live on salad and swim nine miles a day. 2. adj. Of a fellow who enjoys the company of good time girls. ‘Yes, Jeffrey’s very pro-active, you know.’ pull the skin back euph. A phrase to denote a thorough job well done. ‘Myself and the other members of Team Seren-
diptous really pulled the skin back on this task, Lord Sugar.’ quiet Paul n. A silent but nonetheless powerful treacle tart. Named after Ed China’s mute assistant on Wheeler Dealers, who never utters a sound but is extremely strong. Also SBD. shethane n. The gaseous content of a delightfully feminine dropped gut. shitbits n. Small pieces of feeshus-clad bumwad, the remnants of vigorous wiping, which have habit of turning up in a variety of places, eg. On the toilet seat, in one’s underwear, tastefully garnishing Piers Morgan’s soup. snackered adj. Extremely fatigued consequent upon overconsumption of pastry-based comestibles. From snack + knackered. sour trout n. Salty, fermented savoury garnish on some gorilla salad that is past its “best before” date. speed bump n. A quickie or
knee-trembler. stool softener 1. n. Powder or liquid given to patients to ease stubborn digestive transit. 2. n. Saturday night refreshments which assist in the passing of motions the following day. And perhaps on Monday, and in some cases the whole of the next week. Or occasionally in the taxi on the way home. surf and turd euph. Shitty bog
water splashback. take a knee v. To avoid splashing the floor when seeing a man about a dog in the middle of the night, by adopting a respectful, genuflecting position in front of the bum sink. tampora n. A piquant women’s thing that is covered in a light, crispy batter. that’s nothing, watch this exclam. When entering a stinking Rick Witter cubicle full
of confidence that your own befoulment will be more than capable of overpowering the current stench. thriller in manila n. Intriguing brown paper package with an Amsterdam postmark. tickle the ivories v. To give someone a smack in the mouth, resulting in a sound the lid being slammed shut on a badly tuned pub piano. tickle the ovaries v. What Russ Conway used to do to Mrs Conway on a Friday night. tumnus 1. n. prop. Surname of some hobbit or other out of The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. 2. n. Portmanteau word describing the tintis, notcher, barse etc. From scroTUM = aNUS. wank pipe n. A vape device or e-cigarette which produces with each puff a cloud of steam reminiscent of the Sir Nigel Gresley pulling thirty fully laden coaches up the Lickey Incline. Also nosh pipe. ‘Oi, I told you sunshine. If you want to vape, do it outside. No wank pipes in the bar.’ wanxious 1. adj. Worried, nervous, or uneasy about getting caught relaxing in a gentleman’s way. ‘I was having one off the wrist in my hotel room, when suddenly I became wanxious about the possibility of hidden cameras in the ceiling.’ 2. adj. Excited at the prospect of a forthcoming five-knuckle shuffle session that is as yet some hours into the future.
Zag’s eyes euph. When a low budget Frankie artiste’s plastic fantastics aren’t quite symmetrical, with the left tit-tap going to the shop, and the right one coming back with the change, in the manner of the erstwhile, eponymous breakfast telly puppet’s ocular organs. Nips like a bucket of whelks.