Letterbocks

IF people think Daenerys Targaryen’s character switch in Game of Thrones is shocking, they should see my wife when I come home late from darts.

Kirk Flatus, Filey

I ENJOY watching the local news, as it’s usually about stuff going on close to where I live in Suffolk. However, it can’t be very interesting for anyone at the other end of the country, so I have often wondered why they don’t they add a bit of news from other regions. In fact, they could make a programme with news from all around the country which would appeal to a much larger, nationwide audience. To be honest, not much happens around here.

Julian Wiseman, email

ON the escalator to the underground the other day, I couldn’t help but notice how many advertising boards had models with missing teeth. I saw one so-called ‘model’ advertising Colgate who had 4 missing teeth. What’s more, she had a jizzing cock tattooed on her chin. Come on marketing managers, how about hiring a few less penis-defiled models with better teeth for your products? J Canavan, Kettering

I’VE just read that the oldest person alive is 116. But if my nan Connie Newth was still alive, she’d have been 118. How do you like them apples, so-called “World Record” holders?

Adrian Newth, Stratford upon Avon

I RECENTLY found out that the name Brian is of Celtic origin and means ‘Strength and Honour.’ This really does surprise me, as my neighbour is called Brian and he’s a complete and utter fanny.

Audrey Ramsbottom, Aberdare

I’D like to apologise to my fellow passengers on the bus last night, who had to endure the sight of me drunkenly urinating on the back seat. It was unforgivable, and I am so sorry to have embarrassed any of you with such unladylike behaviour. But it was a fucking great day out, though. I love a good funeral. Harriet Kempton-Park, Merthyr Tydfil

I HEARD a child cheek his parents in Tesco today and his dad said “I’ll teach you to be cheeky!” I can’t help thinking that would just make things worse. Then again, what do I know?

Carlos, Portstewart

MY wife is about to start a 6-month overseas contract, and while she’s away I thought I might use the time to learn a new language or skill that I could help further my career. It would also impress her when she gets back. But in all likelihood, I’ll probably just do a lot of wanking.

Darren Moulden, Adelaide

HOW come the woman cleaning her teeth with an electric toothbrush on the Oral B advert hasn’t got a dribble of spit anywhere? I end up looking like a rabid St Bernard 20 seconds after I turn mine on.

Kirk Flatus, Filey

DO any of your readers know if Marina from Stingray was actually a mermaid or was she just a woman who swam underwater a lot? And was she ever actually involved in the action, or was she just the object of Troy Tempest’s wet dreams?

Col Percy Fawcett, Durham

WHAT a load of nonsense these so-called ‘soft-close’ toilet seats are. We live in a democracy, which means that I - not some nameless boffin in a toilet factory - decide whether or not I smack my bobby’s helmet by prematurely closing the lid. I shall certainly be voting for Mr Farage in order to take back control of my lavatory. Brad N Jam, Orkney

THESE so-called scientists banging on about Earth’s population growing too fast haven’t got a clue. Apparently the planet has been around for 4 billion years and there are 7.5 billion people on it. This means the human population has risen by less than 2 people every year. Fucking idiots. Matt Greenwood, Weston-Super-Mare

I’M sick of taking the same plastic straw to McDonalds every time I go there. It’s pretty manky now and a bit chewed at the end. Wouldn’t it be better if we just taught sea life not to eat plastic instead? Dolphins have learned to do backflips on command, so they’re not that stupid.

Douglas Daniels, Upper-Lowermiddletoft

I WENT to see my mate in prison the other day, and he reckons that crabsticks are a made up of mashed-up crabs and stick insects. He said he can prove this when he gets out, but until then he won’t reveal any more.

He is due out in six years with good behaviour, so I will update Viz readers then. Obviously, if he’s a bit naughty inside, it could be a little longer.

Tim Buktu, Timbuktu

I FELL asleep at my friend Dan’s house after a heavy night on the beers, and a few of my friends thought it would be funny to draw a large penis on my forehead that was urinating down my face, and write the words “Iceberg Lettuce” on my chin. I had a job interview at my local Starbucks the very next day and did not notice the graffiti before I set off. To my surprise, they found the facial art to be cool and ironic and even likened me to the rapper Post Malone. The only downside is I have to re-apply the artwork on a daily basis before my shift starts, and I can’t quite get the testicles to look consistently asymmetrical. Matt Douse, Beverley IF the Romans were so great, how come they all spoke Latin and not Italian, which might have been more useful? And why did the ones in Britain all go back to Italy where you can’t even get chips? Its always worth questioning the history they teach you.

Kate Suzette, Scrabster IN 1976 when I was 15, I went on holiday to Spain with my mate Andy and his parents. We were in a restaurant and I was wearing a pair of peppermint green Oxford bags and no underwear. I farted and shot diarrhoea all down the back of them. Can any of your readers beat that?

Mez, Hogwarts * Well, Mez, we think that all depends on what you mean by ‘beat.’ Perhaps you could write in and outline the parameters that would mean it had been “bettered” before we throw your challenge open to our readers. I HATE the expression “Let’s get the ball rolling.” It’s completely sexist. You never hear “Let’s get the tits bouncing” or any other female equivalent. Why should men get all the credit for getting things done? Teresa Throbsworthy, Kent MY wife wants to protect our home with some of those web-enabled security cameras and remote intercom doorbells. But I’m between gigs at the moment, so instead I put up a scarecrow in the front garden with his hat tilted at what, I hope, is a rakish enough angle to dissuade anyone from attempting to burgle us.

Derek, Boston Massachusetts MY brother-in-law recently had an unfortunate incident whilst performing jury service. The case lasted 6 weeks and ended in a little confusion, with my brother-in-law being found guilty and sentenced to 2 years in prison. I wonder if any other readers have relations who have been convicted of a crime they did not commit. Obviously, don’t write in if you are related to John Rambo or any members of the A Team. Or that bloke who turned into the Hulk in the 1970s.

Terry Farricker, Blackpool PEOPLE say “You never know what’s around the corner.” But I do - The Red Lion boozer and a Cash Converters.

Hapag Lloyd, Runcorn EVERY time I hear Rachel Stevens’ cover of More, More, More, I can see a girl landing bum first on a settee, but I cannot figure out where the settee or the girl is. Is this my imagination or did this really happen? Jayne, Pissoff JUST imagine if he wasn’t a skeleton, how muscly Skeletor would be. He would be able to deck He-Man easy then.

Magnus Mbanu, Cambridge IT seems to me unfair that people born on December 31st have to wait all year for their birthdays. If you were born on January 1st however, your birthdays come round lickety fucking split.

John Mason, email ’THAT’LL put the cat amongst the pigeons,’ goes the old adage. Well, I took my cat to Trafalgar Square last week, and she sat down, licked her arse, then fucked off across the road and got run over by a taxi. I think it’s about time the experts revisited the meanings of some of these old sayings.

Nigel Quicksand, Bristol NOW that hatchet-faced Prime Minister Theresa May has chucked her lot in because of Brexit, I expect that there will be a lot of speculation as to who will next lead this country through such difficult and troubling times. The new leader will have a hard job of steering a course which keeps both sides of a divided nation happy, whilst causing as little harm to the British economy as possible. About a dozen people have thrown their hat into the ring, but to my mind there is no better qualified person in the country for this post than former Scotland and Leeds United front man Arthur Graham.

Iain Devenney, Abingdon I HAD a dream once in which Kylie Minogue performed such disgusting sex acts that I went right off her. Frankly, I expected better of her.

Flotaty Ade, Weston-super-Mare THE chip shop girl in issue 286 may be disinterested as well, but I suspect she is more likely to be uninterested, as that means to be bored with a subject or to lack any desire to enquire further into it. To be disinterested means to be unbiased and to hold no preconceptions. The usual example given is that one would welcome a disinterested Judge in Court, but not an uninterested one.

Nick Crook, email

* Yes, well, obviously we knew that, Mr Crook, and we used disinterested instead of uninterested as a joke. This sophisticated humour clearly went right over your head, and we imagine you are feeling pretty stupid right now. IN the age of Brexit, it lifts my heart that penises are, and always have been, measured exclusively in inches. Lee Newman, Fareham I CAN’T help wondering if there might be a parallel universe in which the monkeys with red arses have got blue arses, and vice versa.

Palmer Vjorhend, Portstewart WITH reference to Mr Vjorhend’s letter (above), physics throws up some very strange concepts that challenge our reason; an electron can exist in two different places simultaneously, matter can quite literally be created from nothing, and all the positive integers to infinity add up to -1/12. But come on, Mr Vjorhend, a universe where bluearsed monkeys have red arses and vice versa is just so fucking far-fetched, it’s laughable. Brian Cox, CERN

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I QUITE like Richard Branson, but I really don’t like Noel Edmonds, yet they both look just as silly with the same ridiculous beards. It really goes to show that you can’t judge people on looks alone.

Jane Hoole Garner, St. Ives

* Do you know of two celebrities who look very similar, but you like one of them and not the other? Perhaps you loved Jimmy Hill, but couldn’t bear Acker Bilk. Maybe you admire Jacko out of Brush Strokes, but Terry the chef from Fawlty Towers left you unmoved. Or perhaps you love the Honey Monster but think Boris Johnson is an absolute fucking bellend. Write and let us know. ⬜

YOU never hear about EU butter mountains, wine lakes or beef pyramids anymore. Come on, the EU, pull your foreign fingers out and let’s see some cracking landmarks made out of excess produce.

Mike Fordham, Chelmsford

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IN your last issue you asked for advice regarding haemorrhoids. I work for a well known frozen food supermarket and I am never bothered by my affliction. At the first twinge, I simply dangle my arse in the nearest chest freezer for 5 minutes when there are no customers around, and this nips the old shoots before the buds get a chance to blossom. I suggest your correspondent Eric gets a job in the frozen food industry.

Barry Gurrrant, email

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YET again a horse wins the Grand National. It’s all getting rather predictable now, isn’t it? Why don’t they let Lewis Hamilton enter in his car? That would make the race a bit more interesting. Or that Usain Bolt - he can go like the fucking clappers when he’s got his trainers on. Come on, Aintree, liven it up a bit. Harriet Kempton-Park, Merthyr Tydfil ⬜

IN reply to Richard Devereux (Letterbocks 286), who isn’t interested in science, the reason that limes don’t have pips but lemons do, is because there aren’t any pips in a lime but there are in a lemon. Is that dumbed down enough for you, you fucking knob? Terry Wilson, email

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WOULDN’T it be great if Adam Ant teamed up with Declan Donnelly whenever regular partner Ant McPartlin needed a break from his showbiz duties? They could still perform as Ant and Dec and fulfil the cheeky Geordie duo’s contractual obligations, as I’m sure their contracts will not specify to which particular Ant they are referring.

Stephen Lewis, Manchester ⬜

”KEEP your friends close, but your enemies closer” is a strange piece of advice. I feel pretty stupid watching my mates having a great time on the other side of the pub while I’m sitting at a table with my ex-wife and the twat she ran off with.

Terry Broomshank, Luton ⬜

HAVING a piss in the shower this morning, it occurred to me that it would be great if I could of had a shit in there too. Come on, bathroom and toilet designers, why not get together and invent a shower where you can have a shit? I’d buy one.

S. Andwich-Paste, Shipham ⬜

WHY don’t we have fights between the ‘cocks’ of schools anymore? The hardest bastards from a couple of schools, kicking the shit out of each other, cheered on by the rest of the boys, to find out which school has the hardest fucker, I used to bloody love that, me.

Mr. A. Slipper, Headmaster ⬜

IT’S never occurred to me that ‘tapas’ is an anagram of ‘pasta’. Come on, Spanish food inventors. Don’t just jumble up the names of pre-existing foods from other Mediterranean countries and pass them off as being your own culinary names.

Kristian Barford, Rotterdam

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IMAGINE if it was Alton Towels instead of Alton Towers. A theme park, based around fluffy bathroom textiles. Utter madness.

Ian Baker, Weston-super-Mare

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YOU have to feel sorry for all those people who for years have been making sure that everyone knows they’ve never seen Game Of Thrones, as if that puts them in an elite group of individuals, only to then find out that they count Piers Morgan amongst their number. If that doesn’t give a massive boost to the show’s already enormous viewing figures, I don’t know what will.

Colin Umlaut, email ⬜

WHEN Paul Young had a hit in the 80s with the song I’m Gonna Tear Your Playhouse Down, it brought back memories of a playground spat I had with the singer that ended in tragedy. After winning an argument with him at primary school, my own garden playhouse was mysteriously destroyed the following evening. When you consider that a mullet-haired youngster in a tuxedo was seen fleeing from an excavator that was abandoned nearby, it is pretty clear what happened.

Dave, Luton * Did you fall out with someone at school who took revenge on you and went on to become a pop icon and write a song about the incident? Write in and tell us about it. Genuine incidents only, please, don’t make any up. ⬜

THEY say that the Great Wall of China can be seen from space, and maybe that’s true, but I’ve seen pictures of it on the internet without ever having set foot on a spaceship. Perhaps these so-called astronauts should just learn how to use a computer like the rest of us, and save NASA an awful lot of money.

Buff Orpington, Chepstow ⬜

I THINK some of these TV presenters are bang out of order at these “red carpet” award ceremonies. Asking someone whose clothes they’re wearing is the height of cheek in my book. I borrowed our kid’s suit last month for court, and even the presiding judge didn’t have the front to ask me where I’d got my whistle from.

Bjorn Aldiss, Crewe

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IT doesn’t seem fair that Melania Trump is given the acronym FLOTUS when in fact it’s her husband who’s like a turd that won’t flush away. No wonder she always looks so miserable. Spiro Agnew, Wales ⬜

THERESA May wasn’t much cop at her job, but she may have jumped the gun a bit in quitting. Edith, one of the cleaners at our place, was going to pack it in because it was all getting a bit too much for her, but in the end she did a job share with Elsie, another cleaner. So now she just does a couple of hours a day, and Elsie does the rest. Would perhaps Amber Rudd have been agreeable to such an arrangement, I wonder?

Terry Crackling, Derby ⬜

THEY reckon that the mayfly only lives for one day, and that its only purpose is to mate. Well I’m no expert on insects, but I bet the male comes up with some pretty desperate and shite chat-up lines. I know I have in the past when I was out of a night and desperate for a shag.

Hampton Bootleby, London ⬜

YOU sometimes hear about men who piss sitting down, but you never hear about men who shit standing up. So much for equality.

Palmer Jorhend, Portstewart ⬜

LAST night, I dreamed that Marks & Spencer had released a Rorke’s Drift Commemorative Sandwich to celebrate the heroic stand made by the British Army during the Boer war. Its filling was strawberry jam, which was meant to represent the thin red line of the 24th Regiment of Foot. And while this may sound like a product of a meth-addled mind, it’s certainly no weirder than some of the shit they’ve been peddling recently.

Whitelock, London ⬜

MY toothbrush needs charging every 13 days, whereas my wife’s lasts for 11 days before it runs out. This means that both chargers are in use only one night in every 143.

The Owl, Northfields ⬜

AS time goes on, it strikes me that surely the middle ages aren’t really the middle ages any more, but more like the early twenties. I propose we start calling them the ‘late adolescence’ of history. Who’s with me?

D Cooper, Malta

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WHY was everyone so terrified of waking the Kraken in Greek Mythology? The lazy bastard was under the sea, asleep for hundreds of years at a time. I know I wake up in a really good mood when I’ve had a bit of a lie-in, so I don’t know why he always woke up with such a strop on.

Hector Crampons, Tooting

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IN reply to Bluey (Letterbocks 282), whose cat never farts. The first time I met my father-in-law, I waited in the lounge while he made me a cup of tea. There was a loud fart sound and I looked over to see his cat looking rather shocked and then frantically licking its arse. Seconds later the smell punched me in the face. The entire room filled with a rotten meaty stench, and I started gagging as I opened a window. Just then my fatherin-law came in with my tea. I quickly explained that it was his cat and not me, and that was when I discovered that he had absolutely no sense of humour. Nookieball, Adelaide

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I DON’T understand why law enforcement agencies fire tear gas into buildings during siege situations. Surely it would be better to fire in laughing gas. The criminals would be more likely to surrender and come out in a good mood and having a laugh rather than emerging coughing and with all guns blazing.

Frank Segal, Deal

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COME on Viz, you’re getting stale. Without fail I know within the second last caption of Eight Ace that ‘Eight’ is going to buy Ace again. Hardly Agatha Christie is it?

Gordon Bennett, Auckland ⬜

WHY, in films, whenever there’s a shipwreck and they end up on a desert island, do they always seem to be obsessed with getting the radio working? Surely they should be concentrating on building a raft or lighting a beacon fire? Fuck Steve Wright in the Afternoon, I say. Get your priorities right.

Claude Humshaugh, Deal