DELIVER US FROM EVIL
YOUR theological postal enquiries answered by the Archbishop of Canterbury,
Dear Justin,
I RECENTLY ordered a package off Amazon, but I had to work on the day it was scheduled for delivery. Knowing that God is present in all places at all times, I prayed to Him to ask if He’d mind keeping an ear out for my doorbell and then signing for the parcel when it arrived. However, when I returned home from work, I found only a ‘We called but you were out’ slip on the doormat. If God is truly loving and omnipresent, why did He forsake me?
Grenville Space-Vampires, Leicester
Justin says: God is indeed loving and omnipresent, so I don’t believe for one second that He did forsake you. What probably happened is that God manifested Himself in your house as requested, and was keeping His divine ear out for the doorbell, but unfortunately He happened to nip for a piss at the exact moment the delivery man showed up. It’s always the way, isn’t it? I’m sure God would be more than happy to manifest Himself at your local depot and collect the package for you, if you pray to Him again and ask nicely.
Dear Justin,
MY NEXT-DOOR neighbour was out yesterday, so his parcel was delivered to my house instead. I couldn’t resist taking a quick peek inside, and when I opened the box I was shocked to see he had ordered an inverted crucifix, a Pentagram-emblazoned cowl and a gnarled wooden staff with a rotting goat’s head strapped to the top. I am now concerned that my neighbour might be a practising Satanist, and I’m not sure what to do when he comes round to collect his infernal parcel.
Mavis Glass-Cage, Hampstead Heath JUSTIN WELBY
Justin says: God certainly takes a dim view of worshipping the Antichrist, Mavis, but I’m afraid He takes an even dimmer view of opening other people’s mail without asking. With that in mind, I’d advise you to befriend your neighbour and begin attending his Black Masses, as you will now almost certainly be joining him in the fiery pits of Hell. If you begin practising Satanism on a regular basis, you will put yourself in valuable credit ahead of your eternity with Beelzebub, rather than wasting your remaining years venerating a God who has already consigned you to the abyss.
Dear Justin,
AS A DEVOUT Christian of many years, I am planning to honour God’s glory by posting a turd to Professor Richard Dawkins. However, I am concerned that if I apply the incorrect postage, the turd may find its way back through my own letterbox. Do you know how many stamps I should affix in order to make sure that Mr Dawkins receives my faecal consignment safely?
Edna Ritualin-Thedark, Cornwall Justin says: The issue of mailing excrement to Professor Dawkins was debated at length by the General Synod last year. It was agreed by all present that the most appropriate means of dispatch is to seal the stool inside a padded A4-size jiffy bag and send by recorded delivery. That way, you can ensure not only that Mr Dawkins receives it, but also that he suffers the ignominy of signing for it, or – even better – slogging all the way down to his local depot to collect it! Good luck, and let us know how you get on.
Dear Justin,
I RECEIVED three points on my driving licence earlier this year when I knocked a cyclist into a disused canal. I’m quite an elderly lady, and I’m worried that if I pass on within the next three years, the points will carry over to the afterlife, thus making it difficult for me to rent a car in Heaven. Am I right to be concerned?
Mildred E Smith, Harrogate
Justin says: Thanks for your query, Mrs E Smith. I’m afraid you needn’t worry about car hire – or indeed anything else – in Heaven, as God will view the acquisition of three points on your licence as a sin, and you will therefore be cast deep into the fiery pits of Hell when you die. On the upside, though, car hire scrutiny in Hell is famously lax, so you should have little trouble renting a vehicle down there.
Have YOU got a query about lost, damaged or delayed mail that also relates in some way to Anglican theology? Why not write in to: ‘Deliver Us From Evil’ c/o the Archbishop of Canterbury, Viz Comic, PO Box 841, Whitley Bay, NE26 9EQ