Letter Bocks

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I SAW on the news about how we should all be saving bees as they pollinate our food. Yet today I saw dozens of them wasting time pollinating the weeds in my back yard. If they want our help, the least the stripy little fuckers could do is meet us half way.

Steve Lloyd, Wadebridge

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I WAS appalled at the bias of the BBC news the other day, when they announced that the famous racing tipster John McCririck had died. In the interests of balance, they should have immediately had somebody on to put forward the opposite point of view and say that he was still alive.

Hampton Pilbeam, Letchworth ⬜

HAVE you noticed that women football players and pundits talk as much shite as their male counterparts do? There’s equality in the game for you. Ben, Farnham

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CAN I please pass on some advice to anyone attending a wedding at a golf course club house? Apparently it is not considered acceptable or funny to leave a fresh Barnsley Trout in the hole on the 18th green; despite there being no signs anywhere warning against this practice, it appears to be frowned upon. This is especially true if the movement is on the loose side.

Tim Buktu, Timbuktu ⬜

IT recently dawned on me that anyone from Texas, Alabama or Mississippi saying “ice cream” would pronounce it so it sounded like “ass cream.” I can’t help wondering if any of these southern Americans visiting the UK have ever eaten Anusol, or stuck a raspberry ripple up their arse as a result of the confusion.

Kirk Flatus, Filey

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THE recent climate change demonstrations really brought home to me how close the planet is to ruin. It disorientated me so much that I didn’t realise I was in bed with my sister-in-law until my much more beautiful wife came home, unexpectedly, and brought me to my senses, thank God. As a result of the protests, I’ve made serious lifestyle changes including cycling to work, recycling waste and sleeping on the settee.

D F Kant, Northumberland

P.S. My darling wife Thelma regularly scans the Viz letters, and as she is understandably not speaking to me at present, please can I use your pages to entreat her forgiveness for my breakdown and my completely honest mistake with her sister? And could I also ask if she knows where the remote control for the telly is?

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I WONDER if Brian Cox has ever had a fight in Durham’s The Fighting Cocks.

Dudley Donnehugh, Liverpool * Are you a regular in The Fighting Cocks in Durham, and if so, have you seen the TV particle physicist/ erstwhile pop star involved in a punch up? Perhaps somebody had a go at him for spilling their pint, or maybe he started on somebody for looking at his missus. Write in and let us know.

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WHY is it that on these A&E documentaries on TV you never see anyone walk in with a screwdriver stuck up their arse? Not that they’d be able to walk in, of course.

Gerry Paton, London ⬜

I’VE just read that the latest security threat is the hackers’ use of spy cams via your mobile phone. All I can say is, if anyone wants to watch me bent over wiping the crack of my arse after I’ve spent 20 minutes sat on the crapper scrolling through Facebook Marketplace, good luck to them.

Barry Onions, Saxilby ⬜

“SHE wore a raspberry beret,” Prince famously sang. But the pint-sized erstwhile tunesmith failed to specify whether it was a beret made of raspberries, or a tiny beret small enough to fit a raspberry. Either option would have looked utterly ridiculous.

Rob Wilfort, Chesham ⬜

INSTEAD of going to work, try having a nice lie-in, a late breakfast and then going out for lunch and a few drinks with friends. Afterwards you can have a lie down for an hour or so and then commence your evening as normal. You’ll find its a far more enjoyable way to spend your day.

Jen Similia, Tuckton ⬜

I KNOW it’s largely irrelevant now, but I wonder which of the two Tory party leadership contenders would have won if they’d had a haircut like the kid out of Stranger Things.

Derek Bugletoot, Croydon * That’s a good question, Derek, and perhaps one which could be put back to the electorate. So, readers, look at the above picturess of Boris Johnson and Jeremy Hunt with haircuts like the kid out of Stranger Things and put a cross next to the one you think should be Prime Minister. Send your ballot paper to: Stranger Things Prime Ministerial Haircuts, Viz Comic, PO Box 841, Whitley Bay, NE26 9EQ. Please note that this ballot is only open to Viz-reading members of the Conservative party.

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I WONDER why you never see fat whippets. All other dogs go all lardy, but not whippets.

Tommy Lambrusco, Cardiff

* A very interesting observation, Mr Lambrusco. If any of our readers are vets, perhaps they could write in and tell us why you never get fat whippets. Or if you’ve seen a fat whippet, or perhaps own one, why not write in and tell Mr Lambrusco he’s talking bollocks. ⬜

ACCORDING to reports, we consume roughly a credit card’s worth of plastic each week. Well, I don’t eat any plastic, and even if I did, what’s all the fuss about? I remember a Frenchman called Monsieur Mangetout eating 18 bicycles, 7 televisions and a Cessna aeroplane, and he was alright.

Damo, sunny Guernsey

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THEY say that each cigarette you smoke takes five minutes off your life. But if you would have spent those five minutes smoking anyway, it cancels itself out. So if you can make your ciggies last more than five minutes every time you smoke one, you’re technically prolonging your life. I think.

Ben Nunn, Caterham

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I READ recently that a spy satellite can zoom in onto a dustbin lid from thousands of miles up in space. That’s pretty impressive, but I think that local councils should find better and less intrusive ways to spend our hard-earned money.

Adrian Mewsworthy, Deal ⬜

MY milkman failed to deliver my milk on Tuesday and Wednesday last week. On Thursday, I discovered he had died. Strange, but I did not think being a milkman was a particularly dangerous occupation.

Terry Farricker, Blackpool ⬜

THE person on the sun lounger in front of me in Bulgaria has an unfeasibly huge penis.

Geoff Greensmith, Chod Bin Under Lyme

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IN reply to to Hector Crampons (Letterbocks 287). Nobody was terrified of waking the Kraken in Greek mythology. The Kraken is a legendary giant monster in Scandinavian mythology, that preys on unsuspecting sailors; very much like your mother, who is both of enormous size and can often be found hanging around the back of Iceland, swallowing semen.

Trim McKenna, Surbiton

* Oh, dear, he’s at it again. A perfectly good letter pointing out a correction in the comic is spoiled by Mr McKenna’s infantile, and rather weak, insults aimed at the Viz staff’s mother, much like he did in issue 284. We are vehemently opposed to censorship, but see no other alternative than to ban Mr McKenna from the pages of Viz. And his mum, who offered to do anal with all the Viz staff last night in return for a packet of 10 Woodbines.

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WHEN I was a boy, the Visionhire man came to repossess our telly and my dad asked him if he could watch the 2.30 at Chepstow before he took it away. The man said of course, and they sat and watched the race together. It’s that sort of camaraderie that went missing when the EU took over. Brexit will take us back to those good old days. And I don’t care how bendy my bananas are, as long as they’re good old-fashioned British bananas.

Nigel Farrago, Northumberland ⬜

I THINK if I were currently running the world as a member of a Freemasons, the Illuminati or the Bilderberg group, I’d say I’d been off sick since 2016, and blame everything on one of the other lot.

Ben, Whitstable ⬜

VEGANS tell us that cows are one of the biggest threats to the well-being of our planet. But if this is true, surely it’s a good thing that I try to eat as many of them as I can.

Dan, Deal ⬜

IF music be the food of love, how come my wife lays on the sofa listening to her iPod all day and I still don’t get a shag?

Kirk Flatus, Filey

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MANY people have a stereotypical image of lady vicars, thinking that behind their mousey, demure image they are a load of sexual deviants who are up for anything. Well, as a lady vicar myself, I can assure you that this is not the case. And in order to prove it, if anyone wishes to put me across their knee and spank my bare bottom with a hairbrush until it turns purple, they will see that it will do nothing for me. I’m free every Sunday after evensong.

Harriet Kempton-Park, Merthyr Tydfil

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“YOU can’t hurry love,” sang Phil Collins. I can only assume that he’s never hurriedly cracked one out in the bathroom while his lass is desperate and waiting outside like I just have.

Terence Trent d’Arby, N Shields ⬜

MY cat was away at the vets for two days last week, but my three pet mice, if anything, were less playful than usual during that time. Who makes up these sayings? Lee, Fleet

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IT’S great to see women’s football growing and developing, with higher attendances and the Lionesses representing England so well at international tournaments. But until the female supporters get violently engaged with foreign police forces, throwing cafe furniture about amid a fog of teargas, the female game will never be taken as seriously as the men’s.

Patrick D, Aghalee

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LIKE many Christian music fans, I was dismayed when it was claimed that David Bowie was homosexual. I immediately took my collection of Bowie’s records to the the

Cat’s Protection shop. Subsequently, however, it was revealed that he was actually bisexual, so I thought it was reasonable to ask for half of my records back. However, the staff in the shop refused to comply with my request, so I took great pleasure in running a cat over on my way home.

Stew d’Prunes, Orkney

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PEOPLE say ‘Don’t shit on your own doorstep.’ But after 11 pints and a rancid kebab last night, I was too pissed to find my door keys and frankly, I’d like to know what the alternative was.

Barry Arse, Swansea

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I CAN’T imagine why the Liverpool players were given a bus tour of the city having just won the Champions League Trophy. They must have already seen just about every tourist sight Liverpool has to offer by now. David Bones, Ipswich

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WHY do tennis players lug a massive bag of stuff to the pitch with them? Surely all they need is a spare bat and a bottle of barley water. So why do they turn up on court looking as though they’re ready for a fortnight in Skegness?

The Owl, Northfields ⬜

I’VE just noticed that everyone in opera is dead good at singing. Yet when I hear ordinary people on the bus singing, they’re usually shit. Come on opera producers, let’s have a bit of social realism in your performances and add in a few people who can’t hold a tune.

D Cooper, Malta ⬜

NOW that KFC has introduced a vegan burger, I expect it’ll now become the fast food outlet of choice for our hippy friends. I can’t imagine that even the most committed vegan would let a little thing like the wholesale slaughter of millions of chickens keep them from enjoying that secret blend of herbs and spices.

Raymond Charterbury, London ⬜

I THINK the human race has enough music, films and TV programmes for the rest of history. Can you guys please pass the message on for people to stop making stuff and do something else instead? Perhaps they could breed some sort of vegetable that will power a motor vehicle, or invent a poo that doesn’t need you to wipe your backside and what-have-you. Just a couple of ideas for starters.

Tim Buktu, Timbuktu

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I THINK food banks should start behaving like real banks and allow people to withdraw food at night. Surely ATMs could be adapted to dispense boiled ham or perhaps Kraft Cheese Slices.

Barnabus Doolittle, Cromer ⬜

HENRY VIII said of Anne Of Cleves “I like her not.” But I disagree, certainly enough to rub one out in the museum toilets after I made an excuse to the tour guide. How about a reader poll on which of Henry VIII’s six wives you’d most like to have a dirty one night stand with?

Chris P Bacon, London

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HOW come you never hear of insomniacs counting sheep any more? I suppose, with calculators and what have you, the traditional ways of dropping off asleep have once again fallen by the wayside in the name of so called “progress.”

Torbjorn Oaf, Edinburgh ⬜

I DON’T believe these experts when they say that dogs have a great sense of smell. If it were the case, why do they need to get their nose right up another dog’s backside for a sniff? I can smell my dog’s farts in the next room.

Richie B, Leicester

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THEY say that the Arctic’s days are numbered, but so what? I mean, who wants to go paddling in a freezing cold sea anyway? I went to the seaside recently in Wales and the ocean was really warm and nice on my toes. And I had some chips. You wouldn’t get that at the North Pole.

Richard Devereux, Hereford

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WHILST out walking with my girlfriend at Flatford Mills, I approached a swan to take a photo and it hissed at me. Given that swans are the property of Her Majesty the Queen, you would have thought it would have had better fucking manners. P. Turd, Ipswich

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IF they made motorbikes with 4 wheels instead of 2, they wouldn’t wobble so much and there might be fewer accidents. You could also put proper chairs in between the wheels for a far more comfortable ride. It’s not rocket science.

Jack N’decker, Hasp ⬜

I WAS very disappointed by this year’s line-up at the Glastonbury festival. I’m afraid that over the years it’s become very safe and boring. In my opinion, it needs a stellar headline act next year to give it the boost that will once again put it up there as one of the best festivals in the world. For me, the only man to fit the bill is ex-Leeds Utd front-man Arthur Graham.

Bobby Bowels, Merthyr Tydfil ⬜

THEY say don’t store raw meat next to cooked meat, but apparently it’s perfectly okay to keep potatoes in the cupboard next to crisps. It’s just one rule for vegetarians and another for the rest of us normal people. Brian Saxby, Chicago ⬜ WHY do zoos feed penguins with just fish? They must be pig sick of eating the same food every day. Come on, British zookeepers, give the little fellas a treat - a bit of steak perhaps, or a lamb stew followed by a chocolate eclair. Maybe take them out in a minibus for a curry on their birthdays. I’m sure they’d enjoy that.

Mrs Arscott, Merthyr Tydfil

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GIVEN that you repeatedly print that picture of that bloke kissing that bird’s arse, why not do us cultured Viz readers a favour, and reprint the picture of that statue of a bloke getting bit on the arse off of a lion from a few issues back? Alternatively, you could pretend you can’t find it or have forgotten it, and instead use this letter as a prompt to reprint that picture of that bloke kissing a bird’s arse regardless.

Nick, Brighton ⬜

HOW about a picture of that bloke kissing the arse of that bloke in the statue of the bloke getting bit on the arse off of a lion?

Cheadle Hulme, Thornaby ⬜

IF there are any birds of prey reading this, there’s an injured seagull in my back garden which would make an ideal snack.

Jonny Quail, Birkenhead-on-sea ⬜

IF Boris Johnson doesn’t want his domestic arguments being recorded and leaked to the press, he needs to learn how to do that ‘quiet shouting’ that my wife does. I’ve had some proper tellings off for scratching my knackers in church, perusing

50 Shades of Grey in a library and ogling other women at the beach, and although nobody hears it but me, it definitely gets the point across. Especially when she does the face that goes with it.

Alan Copperlead, Tinsford ⬜

TOO much information from my local multiplex. Barry Norman, Pinewood

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WHEN I went on a school trip to France, one of my friends threw a letter in a bottle off the side of the ferry. I know this was fifteen years ago, but I’ve decided that if I were to find it, I wouldn’t tell him.

Jayne, Pissoff

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WHY do birds of prey always eat their dinner in the middle of the road? Surely it would be a lot safer up a tree or in a bush or something like that.

Grant B Warner, New Zealand ⬜

I’VE just noticed that the

‘&’ sign looks like someone dragging their arse across the floor like a dog with worms. Just thought I would mention it.

Ross Kennett, Rochester ⬜

YESTERDAY I was enjoying reading Viz on a sunny day in the garden. Last night it rained and my magazine is now sopping wet and completely unreadable. Perhaps you could consider printing a warning, advising people that your magazine is not waterproof.

Helen Shanahan, email ⬜

I’D like to go up to that Ralph Fiennes bloke and call him by his name the way it is written - Ralph instead of Raif like he says it. And if he complained, I’d tell him to stop being such a stupid, stuck-up, luvvie tosspot. He’s a good actor and all that, but he needs to be put in his place.

Paul Foy, Aberdeen ⬜

I LIVE in Yorkshire, and my local bus is the number 66. Imagine my surprise at seeing the number 66 in London this weekend. No wonder they take so long to turn up.

David Craik, Hull ⬜

HOW come you never see shagging dogs stuck together any more? My nan was forever chucking buckets of water on them and shouting “Get out you dirty little bleeders.” Halcyon days indeed.

Blackjack the cat, Sheffield ⬜

I CAN’T help but think that guide dogs are only using a fraction of their ability. Couldn’t we teach them to make a nice lasagne or boil an egg as well? Andy, Inverness

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GIVEN that Jesus died for our sins, couldn’t the church give him a better title than Lord? Even David Dickinson is nicknamed the Duke. Surely the son of God deserves an earldom at least?

Miss S E Hall, Jesmond ⬜

MY dad found this advert in one of his old train magazines. I wonder if they will still honour the ‘night out with’ prize, perhaps with a more current Yewtree suspect.

Jon Brignell, email

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“YOU’LL be glad to see the back of them,” goes the saying about people we don’t like. Well, I can’t stand my wife, but if anything, the back view of her is worse than the front. Gustav Plamph, Larbert

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THEY say a good tip for losing weight is to use a smaller plate when eating. How on earth am I going to fit 4 sausages, 4 bacon, 3 eggs, 3 hash browns, 4 slices of toast, black pudding, beans and tomato on without spilling any?

Big John, Sheffield ⬜

IN the late 70s my mother was on her knees digging in the garden when she lost her wedding ring. Forty years later her son, (my brother) was digging in the exact same part of the garden when he dropped to his knees and sharted in his shorts and all down the back of his legs. Coincidence? Perhaps, perhaps not.

Chris Owen, Maidstone