Dave’s Top Tanning Tips
1 START gradually and allow your skin to acclimatise to the sun’s heat a bit at a time. On the first day of your holiday, paint your entire body with Dulux ‘One Coat’ white emulsion paint. On the second day, dilute 9 parts paint with 1 part water, on the third day 8 parts paint to 2 parts water and so on. Wash the paint off at the end of each day in the shower, or if you’ve used an oil-based paint, shower in turps. By the end of the week, you’ll be just like me – as brown as a Chippendale wardrobe!
2
ANOTHER good way to avoid overdoing it is to stay out of the sun between 12 and 2, when it is at its hottest. Why not spend that spare couple of hours looking round local antiques shops, which tend to be cool, dark, fusty places? You never know, you might even spot a Bobby Dazzler of a bargain while you’re browsing, which you can later sell at auction. That way, your two hours avoiding the hot sun could see you trousering a cool profit! 3 DON’T forget to keep safe when you’re in the sea. You might feel cool when you’re bobbing about in the Med, but you’re still under the sun’s powerful rays, and the water may have washed off your emulsion paint sunscreen without you realising. So whilst in the sea, wear something protective to keep your top half from burning – perhaps a tacky pinstripe suit jacket with wide lapels, or a colourful dress shirt with cufflinks and a white collar.
4
IF YOU accidentally overdo it, don’t worry. Take a tip from French polishers and restore your tan. Gently rub after-sun lotion into your burnt skin, making small circles with a soft lint-free cloth until the deep grain of your tan begins to emerge. After a couple of hours’ work your skin will come up smashing, like the hide on an antique Chesterfield!
5
REMEMBER, it’s important to protect your eyes from the sun’s rays. Get yourself a pair of good quality shades to keep the harmful UV out of your peepers. And don’t forget a chain to hang them round your neck in case you need to take them off to look in a shop window at an antique vase, or a pair of Rococo figurines from the mid-to-late eighteenth century, which are in good condition but show some signs of past repair.