What’s in a Name? ~Boris Johnson

Bis for BUSES WHETHER it’s ordering 800 of the wrong type or printing big lies on the side of them, Johnson has a decidedly chequered history when it comes to buses. But until recently, few people suspected that the former London mayor’s favourite hobby was making models of London double deckers out of wine boxes in his spare time. The headline-grabbing revelation even came as a shock to Johnson himself, who seemed as surprised as anyone when the words came bumbling out of his mouth during a leadership election campaign interview with Capital Radio.

Ois for OSTRICHES ALONG with Spencer Percival, Earl Grey and Edward Heath, Johnson is one of a very small and select band of British Prime Ministers who have been pecked on the bellend by an ostrich. During his tenure as Mayor of London, Johnson toyed with the idea

HE’S THE POLITICAL blonde bombshell who - if the polls are to be believed - will have taken up residence in 10 Downing Street by the time this magazine hits the newsstands. Unless it’s Jeremy Hunt. He’s overweight, tousle-haired, dishonest, adulterous former London mayor BORIS JOHNSON, and loathe him or hate him, he’s now made his way to the country’s top job and will shortly be crashing us disastrously out of the European Union in his loveably roguish trademark style. But how much do we really know about this clownish, adultery-crazed old-Etonion who has now risen to the highest office in the land? Unless it’s Jeremy Hunt. As usual, the truth is hidden in plain sight - in the letters of the Uxbridge and South Ruislip MP’s name.

of setting up an ostrich farm in the rundown Docklands area. However, on a fact-finding mission to Eden Ostrich World in the Lake District, he accidentally strayed between a mother bird and her eggs, and was attacked. The enraged eight-foot bird nipped Johnson’s bobby’s helmet in its beak and had to be kicked up the arse before it would release its vice-like grip.

Ris for ROLF HARRIS AS A child, Johnson was very keen to learn to play the wobble-board, and even went so far as to take private lessons with later-to-be-disgraced multi-talentless Australian entertainer Rolf Harris. However, after 6 years of weekly lessons, and countless hours of practice, Johnson was still unable to make his board produce a wobble noise, so he gave up.

Iis for IMPERIAL LEATHER BORIS’S favourite type of soap is Cussons Imperial Leather. Indeed, many of the new Prme Minister’s favourite things begin with the letter I. For example, he supports Ipswich Town football club, the Isuzu Trooper is his favourite car, and Iodine is his favourite halogen in the Periodic Table, after Chlorine, Fluorine and Bromine.

Sis for SANDWICHES ASK the new PM what his favourite flavour of sandwich is and he’ll reply without hesitation - Cheese and Onion. However, that’s because he’s a pathological liar, and his actual favourite is ham and mustard.

Jis for JUPITER EVEN though it is the Earth’s planetary nextdoor-neighbour-but-one, and has an approximate diameter of 90,000 miles, Boris Johnson apparently has no plans to visit Jupiter in the near future.

Ois for OCELOT JOHNSON is one of the only Tory party leaders to have been bitten on the bollocks by an ocelot. When he was editor of the Spectator magazine, Johnson toyed with idea of setting up a fur farm, and went on a fact-finding mission to Whipsnade Zoo to spend a day with the keepers to see how difficult it would be to breed and raise the valuable four-foot long wildcats. Unfortunately, during his visit Johnson got a little bit too close to the dominant male of the zoo’s pack, which attacked him. The beast sank its razor-sharp three-inch fangs into Boris’s knackers, refusing to relinquish its vice-like grip until a quickthinking keeper kicked it up the arse.

His for HEADWEAR AS WELL as being famous for being a sex-crazed fucking liar, our new PM is perhaps best known for his trademark mop of carefully tousled blonde hair. The only time

he covers his trademark scarecrow barnet is with a carefully chosen eccentric bandana, or occasionally a safety helmet if the solipsistic fat cunt’s being winched along a zipwire into an Olympic stadium.

Nis for NOOKIE THE fanny-crazed statesman is estimated to have had it off with more than 8,000 of his friends’ wives. That’s more women than porn actor Ben Dover (6,202), rock star Axl Rose (1,706) and wavy-armed seventies TV boffin Dr Magnus Pyke (1) have fucked put together.

Sis for STYLOPHONE IN HIS mid-twenties, Johnson became obsessed with the idea of becoming a professional Stylophone player, and returned to his former musical tutor Rolf Harris to take lessons. However, he soon gave up after displaying no aptitude whatsoever for the battery-powered, wasp-sounding electronic instrument.

Ois for OKAPI JOHNSON is one of the few British Prime Ministers who can claim that they have been bummed to near unconsciousness by an okapi. In 1992, while working as the European Parliamentary correspondent of the

Daily Telegraph, Johnson toyed with the idea of set

ting up a performing troupe of the giraffe-like Congolese antelopes, and visited Chester Zoo to see how easy it would be to train them to do tricks. Unfortunately, while he was in their enclosure, Johnson’s belt broke and his trousers fell down, allowing the 2-foot-cocked okapi to mount him anally. The violent, agonising attack continued for nearly twenty minutes until one of the zoo’s keepers fetched a step ladder, which he climbed up before kicking the priapic animal up the arse, causing it to lose interest.

Nis for NIPPLES LIKE James Bond’s erstwhile nemesis Francisco Scaramanga, some people are born with a third nipple - known as polymastia, or a “witch’s teat.” We will probably never know for certain how many nipples Johnson has, because if he is ever questioned on the subject, we simply won’t be able to believe anything the lying fat fucker says.