INNOCENT UNTIL PROVEN GUILTY?
Theoretical shame of MPs under drug rumour cloud
FOR every politician who admits a shame-filled drugs, history with there are many more who are keeping their histories narcoticfuelled under wraps. Or have never done drugs. So, for fun, it’s time just to speculate on just what these squeaky MPs may be keeping clean hidden from the Great British electorate. Once again, Judge Littlejohn will pass sentence catalogue for a shameful of shocking – yet entirely hypothetical – drugs committed crimes by our above-the-law politicians.
DEFENDANT: Keir Starmer / PARTY: Labour FICTITIOUS OFFENCE: Possession of 3 packs of Boots own-brand paracetemol
FICTITIOUS VERDICT: Guilty
JUDGE LITTLEJOHN’S SUMMING UP: “Mr Starmer, you stand in the dock of my court and maintain that you do not believe that the possession headache of 3 packets of proprietary tablets is a criminal offence. Yet, as the former Attorney doubt that you General, I am in no know for a fact that it is against the law to purchase of these powerful more than two packets and dangerous drugs at any one time. Your defence than a craven tissue is nothing more of lies that demonstrates your ruthless arrogance and the rule of law. I have contempt for no hesitation in making an example of you, to deter think they can get away others who with buying more than two packets of headache tablets at once.” JUDGE LITTLEJOHN’S SENTENCE: “Mr Starmer, you will go to prison for life, with the recommendation that you serve at least thirty-five years before being considered for parole.”
DEFENDANT:
Jo Swinson / PARTY: Lib Dems FICTITIOUS OFFENCE: Possession of opioids FICTITIOUS VERDICT: Guilty
JUDGE LITTLEJOHN’S SUMMING UP: “Miss Swinson, claim you and your expert witnesses that the opioid residues found on the top of your desk were in the House of Commons from a Marks & Spencers poppy seed bun that you had eaten for your lunch. It is an excuse that, if it didn’t demonstrate your arrant contempt for the process of law, would be frankly laughable. The fact that you smuggled Class A drugs into the hallowed halls of the Mother of Parliaments shows that you are not fit to hold public office.”
JUDGE LITTLEJOHN’S SENTENCE: “Miss Swinson, as you are a new mother and this is your first offence, I am going to show leniency. You are fined fifteen thousand pounds and will serve a three-year suspended sentence, during tag which you will wear an ankle and be forbidden from venturing within 250 yards of the Houses of Parliament.”
DEFENDANT:
Jeremy Corbyn / PARTY: Labour FICTITIOUS OFFENCE: Operating a marijuana Farm FICTITIOUS VERDICT: Guilty
JUDGE LITTLEJOHN’S SUMMING UP: “Mr Corbyn, convicted you stand before this cour t of running a marijuana farm in the polytunnel greenhouse allotment, passing on your Islington the offending plants off to anyone who spotted them tomatoes. Indeed, as innocent so well-orchestrated was your audacious scheme disguised the offending that you even plants in your grow-bags to not only look and smell like tomato plants, but also innocent to bear the same juicy red fruits.”
JUDGE LITTLEJOHN’S SENTENCE: “Mr Corbyn, you are an old man, and according to recent newspaper reports not in the best of health.
You will go to prison for eight years, although it is my belief that it is highly likely that you may never taste freedom again.”
DEFENDANT:
Sajid Javid / PARTY: Conservative FICTITIOUS OFFENCE: Possession of drugs with intent to supply, plus firearms offences FICTITIOUS VERDICT: Guilty
JUDGE LITTLEJOHN’S SUMMING UP: “Mr Javid, this cour t has heard how more than 200kg of uncut heroin, along with 100 tubs of Vim, eight sub-machine guns and a machete, were found in your parliamentary office in the Department of Housing, Communities and Local Government. Whilst in general
I take a dim view of this kind of activity, it is clear that your intent was to ‘cut’ the heroin in order to make it less potent. Were it not for this mitigating factor, and your clear concern for the wellbeing of your junkie customers, you can rest assured that you would find yourself in much deeper trouble than that in which you already find yourself. your As for the firearms found in desk, the narcotics trade is a notoriously violent one, impressive and I am satisfied that this arsenal was only maintained in the interests of your own defence.”
JUDGE LITTLEJOHN’S SENTENCE: “As this is only your third or four th offence, I am prepared to discharge you on condition that you visit a duly appointed probation officer every second Wednesday, Prime Minister’s Question
Time permitting, for the next three months.”