Roger’s PROFANISAURUS

The Latest Update from Britain’s Favourite Lexicon of Filth and Profanity

argument from design, the 1. n. A philosophical rationale for the existence of a creator deity, positing that living organisms are too well designed to have originated by chance. 2. n. Definitive proof that there can be no god, based on the frankly upsetting fact that it is anatomically possible for a man to sit upon - and crush - his own ballbag. Not to mention the empirical evidence of how difficult it is to have a piss in the dark with a raging boner at four in the morning. aromatherapy n. The head- and room-clearing therapeutical effects of a ripe treacle tart. avoids PC World euph. Said of someone who would rather that their hard drive was not professionally examined. Balrog wants his dinner 1. exclam. Quote from the eponymous character as featured in the cult 1990s beat-em-up computer game Street Fighter. It says here. 2. exclam. Humorous riposte to an abrupt, growling anal announcement that melds indignance with a wet sense of superiority. biffy giro n. Government-provided funds that allow a resting gentleman to purchase the intimate attentions of an hirsute odalisque. blind sitter n. medic. A fellow who presents himself at his local A&E department with a foreign object firmly lodged up his rectum and an accompanying flimsy excuse, viz. He “sat on it”. ‘Better break out the rubber gloves, nurse. We’ve got another blind sitter in the waiting room.’ bloatox n. Food-based facial rejuvenation system, whereby one’s mug looks firmer, tighter and younger after using “fillers”, viz. An intense programme of Greggs pasties, chicken nuggets and chips to create the effect of a youthfully bloated visage.

BOHOF acronym. In the style of, say, World War 1 flying ace Albert Ball or speedway’s Barry Briggs. Balls Out, Hair On Fire. ‘Boris is planning to run a real BOHOF administration.’ bomb scare n. A supermarket shit of such stenchful intensity that it clears the shop. Brazillian deforestation n. The change from a tufted landing strip to the full baby Kojak. buffing your eggs 1. n. Technical jargon for cleaning chicken eggs. It says here. We’re not looking it up. 2. n. An intimate act of personal delight performed by a female fingersmith. carbon dating n. Consorting romantically with a partner who is considerably more superannuated than oneself. carbon offset n. Opening a window, or spraying around some Lynx, in the aftermath of a particularly noisome Exchange & Mart. careless whisper n. Following through in the style of an 80s pop tune. central reservation 1. n. Area separating opposing lanes of traffic on a divided carriageway. 2. n. The sparsely vegetated, somewhat weed-strewn region betwixt the missus’s arse and her fanny. clitbait n. Clickbait of a more specialised nature, that is estimated to make up to 90% of the internet. cumbilical cord n. A string of jizz dangled between a bloke’s herman jelmet and his missus’s snatch. dead dog n. A Thora of stupendous proportions that is attracting flies.

DFS abbrev. An elephantine Andrew the size of a well stuffed, brown leather sofa. From Double Flush Situation. doors to manual 1. exclam. Aircraft crew instruction given so that the escape slide will not deploy when the door is opened. 2. euph. The empleasurement option available to a lady who finds herself unexpectedly single once more. egg mcmuffin n. When a bird guffs up your nose while you are dining at the Y. fapkin n. Like a napkin, but not used for cleaning up after a nap. fudge icing n. The decorative coating found on the bowls of portable shitters towards the end of Glastonbury and similar festivals. full spatchcock, go the v. To do something you never thought was possible. ‘Look at how wide her legs are, your holiness. How does she do that?’ ‘She’s gone the full spatchcock, cardinal.’ giraffe’s neck, cock like a sim. A description of an impressive male member. See also baby’s arm clutching a Jaffa or Pringles tube with a sheep’s heart on top. ‘Goodness gracious, Mr Pound MP. You’ve got a cock like a giraffe’s neck.’ glandicap n. Measure of a woman’s potential to inspire a boner. Similar to a golfer’s handicap. Actually, not too similar, if you think about it. ‘My wife plays off a glandicap of twentytwo, vicar.’ green Peter n . An exotic herbal cigarette which has been constructed and secreted about one’s person before attending a social gathering. Should anybody - for example Michael Gove - later enquire as to the availability of any jazz cabbage, it can then be retrieved from its hiding place with a cheery cry of “here’s one I prepared earlier”. hardy perennial 1. n. A plant which doesn’t die in the winter or something. 2. n. An ageing gentleman who is perpetually amorous, eg. Rod Stewart, Mick Jagger.

HMS Brown Surprise n. A dreadnaught that is laid down and, despite being flushed out to sea, remains proudly lurking in the U-bend, just within eyeshot and ready to defend the chod-bin from enemy attack. Jimmy Cricket shit n. When you’ve finished having a dump and have started wiping your ringpiece and you suddenly realise: “Come here, there’s more.”

Littlehampton, the Rt Hon member for euph. A minuscule and miserable looking chopper, as cruelly rumoured to be owned by red-faced, short-cocked backbench Tory MP Mark Francois.

malement n. A particularly nasty illness or affliction affecting only the bearers of XY chromosomes. See also manthrax, he-bola etc. morning has broken exclam. Something to exclaim joyfully after dropping the first gut of the glorious new day. ‘Open a window, dear, for morning has broken.’ pan stick 1. n. A cosmetic used for theatrical make-up. 2. n. An arse offering, hastily snapped off and left floating in a municipal shitter.

passcode gruesome adj. The morning after a heavy night on the pop when you look so monstrous that even your mobile phone’s facial recognition software doesn’t know who you are and you have to resort to tapping in a number to call the ambulance.

Pavlov’s logs n. medic. The condition whereby the instant you are anywhere near a particular setting, such as pulling your car into your driveway after work, or arriving at a funeral, you inexplicably, and urgently, need a shit. pedigree bum n. When your farts smell like dog shite or dog food. Not that there’s a great deal of difference. pube ’n’ cigar n. A smoothly elongated, brown floater ,finished off with an arse hair or two. pulled out of an Ecuadorian embassy backwards, looks like it’s been phr. Descriptive of a hairy, unkempt fanny that is strangely reminiscent of hairy, unkempt Wikileaks founder Julian Assange as he was forcibly extracted from his shite-smeared diplomatic hideaway. royal carriage wave n. While lying in the bath and blowing one’s tanks, the action of wafting the result towards the nose in order to check on the fragrance, in a style somewhat reminiscent of her majesty the Queen’s hand movements when greeting the great unwashed from her hermetically sealed coach at Balmoral. Rubik’s cubes 1. n. A far more common sight in the 1980s. 2. n. rhym. slang. A far more common sight in the 1980s. scrawnography n. The type of Frankie Vaughan eschewed by devotees of fuller figured ladies. ‘That website you told me about was shite. Them birds on it didn’t have a decent pair of tits between them. You know I don’t like scrawnography, your holiness.’ shit chips n. The result of pushing a turd through the drain with your toes whilst in the shower. shite-off n. Any event, or indeed entire day, that is completely ruined by a miscalculated and entirely-liquid trouser cough . And it certainly would be. shoe horn 1. n. Device for gently easing a foot into a piece of illfitting footwear. 2. n. A particularly rigid boner achieved by a foot fetishist in a shoe shop. smugglers’ haven 1. n. Club 18-30 campsite situated near Newquay. 2. n. The arsehole. ‘I can’t wait to get some smugglers’ haven at Smugglers Haven, Dave.’ soilonoid valve n. The pressurecontrolled mechanism which activates the brown light. spamnesia n. medic. Condition that makes one forgetful about how many wanks one may have had. ‘The missus has been away and I’m suffering from chronic spamnesia.’ spermal underwear n. Y-fronts that are wet as well as (momentarily) warm, the result of popping one’s cork prematurely. strip advisor n. Name given to the urbane chap in the pub who knows the locations of every lap-dancing bar and knocking shop in the local area . sucking on a piss-flavoured gobstopper, face like she’s sim. Descriptive of a particularly sour-looking, hatchetfaced harridan who can make milk sour from a mile away, eg. Pantomime trout and Brexit Party politician Ann Wid(the rest of this name has been obscured on legal advice) decombe MEP. swallows his toothpaste euph. Said of somebody who is tighter than a penguin’s ballbag. thank God, here’s the cavalry! exclam. Said of an arse trumpet that starts off quietly but gets louder as it approaches its final destination. thrown off Love Island, get oneself v. euph. To have a wank. ‘Are you coming out for a drink after work?’ ‘Nah, I think I’ll go home and get myself thrown off Love Island. Twice.’ titty bar bill, big as a sim. Descriptive of something unexpectedly large. ‘After being showered by milkshake yet again whilst walking through Newcastle city centre, Nigel Farage claims that the dry cleaning costs for his suits this month will be as big as a titty bar bill.’ water taxi n. A particularly

buoyant turd. well done peloton, you smashed it! exclam. Jocular, self-congratulatory phrase enunciated following a really big shit. wet pattern n. A noticable cycle of randiness as observed in members of the fairer s*x. Wonkas n. Your balls. “The bit between Willy and the chocolate factory.” would you like a VAT receipt as well? exclam. interrog. Light-hearted rhetorical statement proffered after audibly breaking wind. See also, well struck, sir; you won’t be able to get that after Brexit, etc.