Roger’s PROFANISAURUS

The Latest Update from Britain’s Favourite Lexicon of Filth and Profanity

Alexa, play music by Ed Sheeran exclam. An amusing quip to make before dropping one’s guts. bare you in mind, I’ll exclam. Insincere promise made by a sexist man to an attractive woman implying that he intends to consider her for an opportunity of some sort, although he actually plans to merely imagine her in the rik. Bernd Schuster 1. n. prop. German International footballer of the 1980s, who had the distinction of playing for both Barcelona and Real Madrid. 2. n. Description of one’s back passage the morning after scarfing down a particularly spicy lamb vindaloo at (fill in the latest name of the Rupali Restaurant, Bigg Market, Newcastle upon Tyne here, if it still exists). biological cock n. Shortly before a young swain is due to get married, the feeling he gets that he must tup as many women as possible before his time to do so runs out for ever. bite and shite n. A double whammy whereby a gentlemen visits his local hostelry to enjoy a nice bit of scran followed by a pleasant sit down bob. bolecule n. Tiny particle of matter emanating from the clockweights that might find itself deposited variously on bedsheets, inside socks, wiped on curtains or, very occasionally, ina fanny. bum plums n. medic. Arse grapes that possibly contain stones you could break your teeth on. cock o’ van n. When a seemingly normal bloke gets behind the wheel of a white Transit and immediately drives about like a fucking prick. cuntsistent adj. Descriptive of someone you know that is, no matter what the situation, a cunt. ‘I tell you what, say what you like about him but at least Boris Johnson is cuntsistent.’ dinner at Hugh FearnleyWhittingstall’s, worse than sim. A phrase descriptive of an event or occurrence that is even more unpleasant than dining at the double-barrelled chef’s gaff on a menu of poached weasel in a piquant hedgehog vomit sauce, fricasée of camel’s arsehole and crispy stoat gonads, with pigshit ice cream for afters. disco tits n. Out, loud and proud

dairy arrangements. Donald, do a v. To expel methane gas from your rectal cavity. To fart, drop your guts, trump. enhammered adj. Finding someone sexually attractive, even though they look like a bag of knuckles, purely because one has consumed a lifethreatening amount of alcohol. flaccid reflux n. medic. Post

wank seepage. flapjack n. In women’s football, a ball passed through an opposing player’s legs. flapkin n. A fairy hammock for the haddock pastie. ‘Do you want anything from the shops, Posh?’ ‘Aye, Dave. Fetch us a box of flapkins.’ flash to bang 1. n. milit. In ballistics, the time interval between the observed flash of an explosion and the arrival of the sound, thus enabling the observer to calculate the distance from ground zero. 2. n. The time lapse between dropping a gut and observing the first twitching nostril of a nearby work colleague. German buffet n. One of those continental bogs which, when flushed, fills the bowl before emptying, thus giving you a full-on inspection of the tempting delicacies within. get the dick phr. Used when things go badly awry, particularly as a result of bad weather. ‘The cricket’s got the dick again, I see, vicar.’ good for the bees exclam. Said of a woman whose previously well cared-for ladygarden has been allowed to go wild. ‘Well, at least it’ll be good for the bees, I suppose, Germaine.’ gravy bone 1. n. An amusingly shaped, meat-flavoured dog chew. 2. n. The result of attempting unnatural congress with a lady who is suffering a gastric complaint. Gregg-handed adj. Caught in the act whilst gorging on tempting pastries after telling everyone that you’re on a diet. hare’s running, the exclam. Said upon discovering that all the traps are full in the works khazi. haywain 1. n. An instantly recognisable but ultimately tedious jigsaw puzzle from Waddingtons. 2. n. A lady’s recently mown beauty spot, preferably in Suffolk, of which one might remark “That’s cunt stubble country.” heirspray n. Airborne jizz that

probably harms the ozone layer. HGVino n. Name given to the bottles of alarmingly orange piss that are thrown out of passing lorries whose drivers are too lazy to stop at the services to strain their greens. hornucopia n. An adult video website which presents a temptingly wide selection of abstruse categories to peruse. I KNOW ya gonna dig this 1. phr. Sample that was overused on late 1980s house records. 2. exclam. Spoken refrain introducing a particularly toetapping Lionel Bart. influencer n. One who can immediately alter the mood in a room by dropping an absolutely putrid gut and then probably blogging about it.

I smell like I sound 1. phr. A somewhat strange lyric from Duran Duran’s 1982 hit Hungry Like the Wolf. 2. phr. A humorous thing to say after blowing off. jizzy royals n. Small, white, perfectly formed shirt potatoes. Best served garnished with a soupcon of melting nut butter. keeping the green to regulation length euph. Performing an exceptionally close trim to the turf around the flagstick in order to prevent any entanglement. knotweed 1. n. A invasive plant from the Far East which is practically impossible to get rid of . 2. n. Nickname given to that chap in the pub who tends to join you without being invited, and is then resistant to all attempts to get him to fuck off. ‘Aw, shite. Knotweed has just walked in.’ ‘Don’t look at him, or we’ll never get rid of the cunt.’

Krysten Ritter 1. n. prop. Actress most renowned for playing the eponymous hero in the Netflix series Jessica Jones. No, us neither. 2. n. rhym. slang. Cockney argot for the rusty sheriff’s badge. ‘Ooh, I’ll tell you what, me old China. I wouldn’t mind Barry Tooking that Krysten Ritter up the Krysten Ritter.’ liquid gas 1. n. Believe it or not, gas which has been compressed and turned to liquid. 2. n. A wet fart. lunch at South Mimms euph.

An act of cumulonimbus. mammoth autopsy n. A growler that is far more hirsute, asymmetrical, and terrifying than a rip on a gorilla’s shin. manatee’s funeral n. A generous Peter O’Toole that is deposited from a ferry, or other sea-going vessel. over-cheese the magpie v. To over-satiate something or someone notoriously greedy. ‘So Admiral, did you stay at Lady Hamilton’s last night?’ ‘Indeed, Mr Hardy, though I fear I may have over-cheesed the magpie, for the poor lass was sat on a bucket of ice when I left this morning.’ papkin n. Like a napkin, but used by a young lady to wipe spunk off her paps. pard-on n. An accidental hardon. In order to defuse an awkward moment, a gentleman might say “Sorry, I have a pard-on,” whilst pointing at his erectivitated member. quimtessential adj. Representing the most perfect or typical example of a quality or high class front bum.

Rick Wakeman on two keyboards, go at it like v. To per

form the multi-tasked act of a swain, perched on his knees, being horatioed by a reclining piece whilst managing to fiddle with her flange and yabbos with both hands at the same time. ‘You remember that Ben Dover video you had, your holiness? He went at it like Rick Wakeman on two keyboards.’ runtstable n. The kind of shortarsed police officer we have these days due to the old height restrictions being waived. shitanium n. Something pretending to be better than it is, particularly plastic pretending to be metal. The opposite of unobtainium, the material you want but which doesn’t exist, shitanium is a material that is readily available but that you want less than scabies. ‘Hey Steve, I’m jealous of the gear knob in your Corsa.’ ‘Don’t be, Dave. It’s made of shitanium.’ shiter’s block n. A codeinerelated Simon Cowell obstruction. ‘How’s it going, Mr Hemingway?’ ‘I’ve got shiter’s block, so I think I might go and shoot meself.’ shitoir n. Fr. A proper toilet, as opposed to a urinal. ‘Je had to go allez pissoir, but then je realised je had to go allez shitoir aussi.’ shomit v. To shit and vomit at at same time. ‘Granddad went down with the norovirus last winter. The poor old get was shomitting for days.’ slider 1. n. US. A steam-grilled (it says here) sandwich that is usually two inches in size. 2. n. British term for a brown steamer of similar dimensions, which has slid from the ring to splash down in the chodhopper. spunktuation n. The natural pauses taken during the reading of a work of erotic literature. Also full pop. spunktuation mark n. Commonly found in bongo mags, marking where a previous reader paused. supermarket checkout n. A delusory game played by men while trundling round the local supermarket with a trolley full of cheap lager, white bread, sausages and pile ointment. thigh’s the limit, the exclam. Said by a prudish young lady who will only allow her ardent suitor to touch the top of her leg and not her stench trench. TWOTS acronym. A timemanagement strategy of employees seeking a better worklife balance in the works lavs, viz. TWitter On The Shitter. viaggro contretemps n. Low rent fisticuffs waged between gentlemen of more mature years goaded by their equally aged and vituperative wives, eg. A row over the last disabled parking bay in Morrisons car park on Christmas Eve.

WAN/wan acronym. medic. Debilitating masculine affliction caused by an excess of testosterone as spring takes hold. Wanking All Night. wanking, agile n. Of a man, splitting his usual self discipline routine into smaller bite-sized sprints in order to achieve his goal in a quicker and more efficient manner. what should that go down as on my time sheet? exclam. rhet. A humorous thing to say after coming back from the works shitters following a relaxed number two. what year is it?! Who’s the president?! exclam. A useful rejoinder following a particularly miasmic and eye-watering trouser cough. witchettey grub n. Aus. The clematis, that is to say, the bush-tucker gourmand’s prize delicacy.