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EVERYONE loves a traditional nativity play. Except the kids who only get to be sheep in them, and their parents. These simplistic dramatisations of the events in Bethlehem two millennia ago are highlights of everyone’s festive season. But for all their charm, these productions are far from perfect; the scenery is very crude, the costumes – generally home-made from tea-towels and bed sheets – lack authenticity, and the acting is very wooden, with the toddler cast either parroting their lines with little feeling and dramatic passion, or forgetting them completely. Invariably, the result is a stilted, amateurish production that would stand little chance of winning any

awards for theatrical excellence. How much better would these hammy shows be if the toddlers simply got off the stage and allowed the professionals to perform in their place? Our favourite Hollywood stars as Mary and Joseph, the Angel Gabriel and the Three Wise Men would all deliver 5-star, Oscar-worthy performances that would earn repeated standing ovations from even the most jaded school hall full of parents who have either phoned into work sick or are having to take the afternoon off without pay.

Just for fun, we’ve asked veteran theatrical agent ALEC SEEDY, better known in his native Nottingham as “Mr Fifteen Percent”, to cast an imaginary star-studded school nativity play using nothing but top-drawer Tinseltown A-listers. He told us: “Believe me, if this production hit the stage of your local primary school, it would be the hottest ticket in town!”

Joseph

THIS is arguably the biggest part in the show, so it needs a big name, not just some 10-year-old nobody with a cotton wool beard and a teatowel on his head. Joseph’s a carpenter, and as luck would have it, that was HARRISON FORD’s job before he hit paydirt in Star Wars. He already knows his way around a toolbag, so he would bring a real sense of believability to the role of the a chippie who has got God’s sloppy seconds.

Having said that, Ford’s getting a bit long in the tooth these days, and it might make sense to cast someone a bit younger in such a physically demanding role.

I’m thinking of someone like COLIN FIRTH, who wowed as Mr Darcey in Pride and Prejudice, and would get all the Primary School mums frothing on their little chairs the moment he stepped onto the stage.

Of course, nothing gets bums on seats like a famous face, and if the primary school wants to push the boat out and wallop some serious dosh on the production, you couldn’t book a bigger name than GEORGE CLOONEY to be Jesus’s dad. With the Californian Nescafe Gold Blend heart-throb up on

stage giving it the “We have travelled long and far” bollocks, they’d have to mop the fucking floor under the front ten rows after the final curtain. Believe me, that show would run and run.

AMary

SK any West End theatrical agent, and they will tell you that Mary is always a difficult part to cast. But in my opinion, someone like SHARON STONE would be a red hot choice to play the Saviour’s famously chaste mum. Oozing rauncy sex appeal, the men in the audience would be gripped, waiting for her to recreate her notorious Basic Instinct beaver shot every time she climbed on or off her donkey.

But Sharon’s one of the busiest actors in Hollywood, and may well be unavailable during the traditional primary school nativity play season, so it’s always worth keeping your options open. As a back-up choice, pop singer BRITNEY SPEARS ticks all the Mary boxes, and is generally available in early December. The problem is, she’s got a reputation in the business for being a bit flaky, and there’s every chance that at the last minute, she’d be nowhere to be seen backstage and you’d find yourself saying:

“Whoops! She’s done it again. Where’s the fucking stand-in?”

Supermodel NAOMI CAMPBELL is my back-up choice to play the Virgin Mary if the other two stars fall through. She ’s expensive – famously not getting out of bed for less than fifteen grand – but she’s undoubtedly got star quality and she’s a hard worker and reliable.

The only drawback is that Naomi never goes anywhere without her entourage of fifteen hangers-on, make-up artists, hairdressers and nail technicians, and once these have commandeered all the best seats in the school hall, there’ll be nowhere to sit for the mums, dads and grandparents. Also, there’s also a risk that Naomi might throw one of her famous hissy fits halfway through the play and, in the absence of a diamondstudded mobile phone, might throw the Christ child at someone who has inadvertently annoyed her in some way.

The 3Wise Men

THE Three Wise Men were kings who traversed afar to see the Christ child in his lowly stable, and it would only be right to cast Hollywood royalty in these parts. And Tinseltown stars don’t come any more blue-blooded than the SHEENS – Dad MARTIN and his A-list sons CHARLIE SHEEN and EMILIO ESTEVEZ. They’ve undoubtedly got the acting chops to put in a great performance, hilariously ad-libbing and riffing off each other in true Three and a Half Men style. The problem is, co-ordinating their busy working diaries would be harder than a priest’s cock in a nunnery.

As a slightly more left-field choice, another time-served threepiece act that would do well as the Three Kings would be The BROTHER LEES. These lads used to knock the crowd dead back in the seventies on The Generation Game, and they’d undoubtedly do the same if they rocked up to Mary and Joseph’s cardboard box stable on the school hall stage with their gifts of gold, Frankincense and Myrrh. Trouble is, back in the seventies, the lads used to do an impression of the Three Degrees that you just couldn’t do these days, and the more politically correct parents might stage a walkout or even decide to boycott the show.

Talking of the seventies, back then the BEE GEES would have been shoo-ins to bring a bit of high-pitched Saturday Night Fever-style disco pizzazz to proceedings. Unfortunately, the Gibb brothers started dropping like flies a few years back, and these days I think there’s only one of the bastards left.

Angel Gabriel The Arch

THIS is the plum part in the production, so I’m looking for an A-list actress who’s as big as they come, and they don’t come any bigger than SCARLETT JOHANSSON.

Amazingly, she’s the third highest-grossing box office star in movie history, so she’d no doubt pack them in in any school hall. And although she’s got a big reputation, she’s famously petite in stature. So if the caretaker wanted to rig up some kind of pulley with which to lower her from the heavens in her tinsel halo, it wouldn’t be too hard a job.

Alternatively, the headmistress could plump for WHOOPI GOLDBERG to play God’s heavenly messenger with a leftfield dose of sass and attitude. Mind you, Ms Goldberg has packed on a bit of beef since her Color Purple heyday, so lowering her from the ceiling might be a non-starter.

The Shepherds

IN a familiar school nativity play, the shepherds who are summoned to the stable to kneel at the feet of the newly born baby Jesus are not given any lines. For this reason, notorious Tinseltown bad boys with a tendency to shoot their mouths off would be well cast in these parts. My first choice would be Aussie Mad Max actor MEL GIBSON . He’s well known in Hollywood as a religious nut-job, but he’d probably keep his foul-mouth shut for the duration of the nativity play out of respect for his favourite fictional character.

Another Hollywood bad boy on anyone’s shepherd shortlist is American Psycho actor CHRISTIAN BALE. However, there’s a clip doing the rounds on the internet of him blowing his bollocks off at a lighting technician on a film set. If there was a similar mishap during the nativity play – such as a toddler forgetting his lines or the teacher missing her cue to start the introduction to O Little Town of Bethlehem – he could really lose his shit, leaving all the mums and dads in the school hall not knowing where to look.

If these two aren’t available, MELVYN HAYES off It Ain’t Half Hot Mum could step in and do the job, and I know he’s available early December, because he was going to be an Ugly Sister in Cinderella at the Glossop Hippodrome, only it got cancelled due to a combination of poor ticket sales and an outbreak of suspected Legionnaires. If Mel and Christian aren’t available, Melvyn could do the job, and I know for a fact he’d be glad of the cash. I’ve not seen him in anything since he was in Benidorm and he must be on the bones of his arse. He’s on his third wife, and I bet the poor sod hasn’t got a pot to piss in.

The Innkeeper

THE innkeeper only appears in one scene, but it’s a pivotal scene in the play. In my opinion, you couldn’t do better than casting spaghetti Western star CLINT EASTWOOD in this part. Just imagine him narrowing his eyes and huskily telling Joseph: “There’s no room at the inn, punk,” before explaining that him and his pregnant wife could kip down in the stable “for a fistful of dollars.” It would be a great little Christmas ‘Easter egg’ that would go right over the kids’ heads, but definitely give their mums and dads a bit of a giggle.

Of course, it’s 2019 and in these days of equality there’s no reason why the innkeeper can’t be played by a bird, and veteran Dynasty star JOAN

COLLINS would bring a bit of posh, top drawer, glamour to this traditionally gruff, maledominated role. Of course, at the age of 87, Dame Joan doesn’t get her kit off at the drop of a hat like she used to any more, but it’s a primary school nativity we’re talking about her, so getting her wizened old knockers out would be completely inappropriate anyway.

IfClintandJoanaredoingsomething else, or perhaps dead, another good choice to play the innkeeper would be Lord of the Rings wizard SIR IAN MCKELLEN. At a normal primary school nativity, you’re always having to lean forwards to hear what the little bastards are saying, but McKellen’s a proper old-school luvvie who belts out his lines like a foghorn. Trouble is, you’ll probably find yourself sitting through half an hour’s worth of arse-numbing theatrical anecdotes about Maggie Smith and dear RalphieWalphie

Richardson before he finally gets round to telling poor old Joseph that there’s no room at the fucking inn.