STARS OF BETHLEHEM!

WHETHER we played the Infant Christ or a lowly sheep, we all have fond memories of our school Nativity play. And our fave celebs are no different. That’s why, for a bit of festive fun, we rounded up four of the planet’s top A-Listers and asked them one simple question: What part did YOU play in YOUR primary school Nativity?

Bono, pop bell-end

I PLAYED one of the Wise Men, but unfor tunately my entrance onto the stage was delayed by several hours as it turned out I had accidentally left my papier-mâché crown in Australia. By the time I’d had it flown it back to the primary school on a private jet, half the audience had got bored and fucked off home. On the plus side, though, a quarter of the ticket sales was going to a local charity, so I was able to write the whole thing off against tax a few years later.

Daniel Day-Lewis, famous actor

IWAS cast as ‘Third Donkey’ in my school Nativity, and I immersed myself so fully in the role that it soon became impossible to tell where I ended and Third Donkey began. Every morning, my mother would drive me to an ass sanctuary where I would spend hours walking on all fours among the humble domesticated creatures, living as one of them and learning their ways. In the afternoons, I would head down the beach and charge toddlers 50p to ride around on my back. When the night of the performance arrived, I spent the entire hour braying wildly and defecating on the stage. My teachers and the other children weren’t best pleased, but the stunned look on the audience’s faces told me that my methodical realism had paid off.

Kim Jong-un, North Korean supreme leader

FOR MY school Nativity, I played Norm from

Cheers. Obviously, Norm from Cheers is not traditionally part of the Nativity story, but he’s my favourite fictional character, and my father the late Kim Jong-il - had warned the teachers that if I wasn’t allowed to play him, the retribution would be swift and brutal. It all worked out very well, though: just after Christ had been born, I entered the stable with a hangdog expression and said, “Evening, everybody”, and all the shepherds and Wise Men cheered “Norm!” in unison. Then Joseph asked: “What’s shaking, Norm?” and I replied, “All four cheeks and a couple of chins, Joe.” Everyone fell about, and the audience gave me a 4-hour standing ovation at gunpoint.