THE SECOND COMING!
Publishers declare bidding war as God teases longawaited sequel to Bible
SMASH hit page-turner ‘The Bible’ is one of the bestselling books of all time, charting the adventures of quirky protagonist Jesus Christ and his colourful band of friends and forebears.
However, in the three millennia since the book first hit shelves, its reclusive author has singularly failed to produce another tome... Until now!
And the writer of the much-admired book, GOD, left the literary world reeling this afternoon after announcing that He will finally follow-up His recordbreaking debut with a second work – due out just in time for Christmas!
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The news was delivered by His earthly representative, POPE FRANCIS, who told reporters outside the Vatican: “I’m delighted to reveal that the first draft manuscript for God’s long-awaited second book landed in my email inbox this morning. I’ve only had the chance to flick through a few pages so far, but trust me... It’s looking like an absolute corker!”
Francis added: “I think fans of the original work will be hugely satisfied by what God has done in terms of tying up the loose ends He left in the first book – as well as introducing some fascinating and hilarious new characters, too.”
The pontiff went on to reveal that God had been secretly tinkering away at His sophomore literary effort ever since 350 AD. “He’s what you might call a perfectionist,” the Catholic bigwig quipped, to gales of laughter from the assembled press. “But, no, joking aside, God is an intensely private and reclusive artist – very much in the mould of JD Salinger or Banksy – and as a first-time author He was as stunned as anyone to see the incredible success His debut book achieved.”
“He’s well aware of the pressure on Him to live up to the giddy heights of ‘The Bible’ – but He feels quietly confident that He’s managed it.”
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The Pope also let slip that the muchanticipated tome – whose title is still TBA – will take up the original story ten years after ‘The Bible’ ended.
Said Francis: “Bible nerds will recall that the iconic book concluded on a fairly cheerful note. The city of New Jerusalem was up and running, the Tree of Life was in full bloom, and the wicked had been casteth for evermore into a lake of fire. What’s more, even though Jesus was dead, his rebirth was imminent and the curse of sin was ended.”
Francis then shot journalists a cheeky wink as he added: “Well, spoiler alert... happily-ever-after wasn’t QUITE what it seemed!”
“Honestly, you’re in for a rollercoaster ride,” the Pope chuckled.
The book’s surprise unveiling has sparked a ferocious bidding war among top publishing houses, whose representatives will be descending on the Frankfur t Book Fair this month to present Francis with their pitches.
“We’ve had a fair few emails already,” the Bishop of Rome teased. “But God is keen to hold out on His decision until all the offers are in. He’s not interested in money, He’s only interested in finding a publisher who has the right vision for His work.”
“And if we can’t track one down, we’ll simply self-publish it as a Kindle-only e-book on Amazon,” he added.