HEL’S BELLS

BRITAIN’S JINGLIEST BELL FORUM, HOSTED BY BUSTY, BELL-OBSESSED NATIONAL TREASURE DAME HELEN MIRREN

Hi. DAME HELEN MIRREN here. You’ll know me from pretending to be The Queen in exchange for money, but what you WON’T know about me is that I’m absolutely bonkers about BELLS. That’s right -I simply can’t get enough of these melodious directly struck idiophones that are found in the Hornbostel-Sachs system of musical instrument classification. And judging by the size of my Hel’s Bell’s postbag, you lot are pretty fucking keen on them, too! So, without further ado, I think it’s about ‘chime’ I gave a ‘ringing’ endorsement to some of your ‘bell-issima’ letters about bells. Jingliest regards, Dame Hel xx

I ABSOLUTELY love bells. In fact, I love them so much that I’ve even had one fitted... on my front door! This socalled ‘door bell’ makes a lovely ringing sound every time someone presses it, giving my visitors a melodic reminder that they’re about to step into the home of a self-confessed bell fanatic! Agnes Psychopath, Hulme-on-the-Wold

I FIND it utterly ridiculous that ‘bell peppers’ are socalled. They don’t make a ringing sound when struck, you rarely see them in church towers, and they’re literally never used to sound the alarm or commemorate important events. In fact, the only thing even vaguely bell-like about them is that they’re shaped like bells. Honestly, the sooner we leave the European Union the better.

Oliver Reaction, Chipping Norton

IOWN a shop called Doorbellz’R’Us, which sells nothing but doorbells. Amusingly, though, the shop itself... doesn’t have a doorbell! This fact never fails to make me wet myself with laughter whenever I think about it, which is roughly every ten to fifteen seconds during waking hours.

Jerry Suffering-Christ, Frome

IT makes me incandescent with rage when I hear people referring to the iconic Palace of Westminster clock tower as ‘Big Ben’. As anyone with more than two brain cells knows, it is the bell within the tower that’s called Big Ben, not the tower itself! Correcting people when they make this idiotic mistake is probably my most cherished pastime – alongside watching old blackand-white horror films. My favourite is the one about that terrifying monster, Frankenstein, and his creator, whose name currently escapes me.

Jeremy Chives, Hammersmith

I USED to make a very good living performing repairs and maintenance on broken, directly struck tintinnabulae. However, I quit that job last month to teach yoga at a high-profile gym, where my A-List client roster includes ex-Bake

Off host Mel Giedroyc, comedy icon Mel Brooks and House of Lords leftie Melvyn Bragg. So, I

suppose you could say – if you wanted to – that I used to ‘mend bells’, but now I ‘bend Mels’. Sebastian Ghostface, Stamford Brook

ICAN see Mr Ghostface’s letter (above), and raise him. You see, I used to be a door-todoor salesman of campanulate musical instruments, but I took early retirement last year to divide my time between prank-calling the vaguely well known comedian Tony Hawks, and writing online diary-style text entries about mountain ranges. So I suppose you could say – if you so wished – that I used to ‘hawk bells’ but now I ‘bell Hawks’. And I supposeyoucouldalsosay–ifyou further desired – that I used to ‘flog bells’ but now I ‘blog fells’. Perhaps Mr Ghostface would like to stick that in his fucking pipe and smoke it. B Raekwon, Ravenscourt Pk

THESE so-called ‘disabled’ scroungers living off state benefits would do well to take a leaf out of Quasimodo’s book. That guy was genuinely unfit for work, but did he lie around on the sofa all day sponging off his nation’s green and pleasant taxpayers? No, he did not. He rolled up his sleeves and found a respectable full-time job as a bell-ringer in one of Europe’s top cathedrals. Yes, he eventually went deaf and insane as a result, but I’d rather be deaf and insane than a whingeing snowflake remoaner.

R Littlejohn, Florida

I AM the Abbot of a small monastery, and I noticed recently that the bottom bit of our prayer bell – called the ‘sound bow’ – had a large crack through it. Seeing the opportunity for an amusing anecdote for your letters page, I asked one of my monks to nip out and get us another “bell end”. I was literally screaming with laughter as I pictured Brother Barnabas humourously misinterpreting this order and returning a few hours later with either Piers Morgan, Rod Liddle or Bono in tow! Imagine my anger and despair, though, when he just came back with a new sound bow for the bell. I confronted him to express my disappointment, whereupon he explained that as a monk he lives a fairly sheltered life, and was unaware that the term “bell end” had a vulgar double meaning.

I have since expelled him from the monastery and am currently petitioning the Pope to have him excommunicated.

Abbot Francis McGinley,

Waterford

WITH reference to the above letter (above), I’ve always thought that being a monk sounds like an absolute piece of fucking piss. All you do all day is ring a few bells and read a load of daft old shite about angels and whatnot. Monks should try doing a proper day’s work if they want to be taken seriously.

R Dawkins, Oxford

EVERYONE goes on about how “clever” Alexander Graham Bell was for inventing the telephone. But it was hardly a huge stretch of the imagination when a major component of his invention was right there in his surname! All he had to do was glance down at his birth certificate or signature, and bingo – the inspiration was there. If my name was ‘Anthony Penicillin’ or ‘Anthony SteamTurbine’, then I probably would have come up with a worldchanging innovation, too. But as it is, I’ve done the thick end of fuck all with my life. As usual, it’s one rule for people whose surnames provide an obvious clue for what they should be trying to invent, and another for the rest of us.

Tony Curefor-Cancer, Hove

AS the new Poet Laureate, the first thing Her Majesty the Queen has asked me to do is write a poem about bells, in case there’s ever a National Bell Day. This is my first official ode since landing the big job, so I was a bit nervous, but I think it turned out OK – apart from the last line which I’m well aware doesn’t quite work. Constructive feedback would be welcomed at s.armitage@poet-laureate. co.uk, or you can get in touch on Twitter, where my handle is @RhyminSimon63. Anyway, here goes:

‘Bells’ by Simon Armitage (2019)

They jingle, and they they jangle, chime, they peal

They and tell what us where is the cows time. are

They warned us in old days when lepers were near,

You’ll hear them go mental when it’s the New Year.

You find them on bikes and on sleighs and on doors,

But also on churches and stock market floors.

So, what are these wonderful, marvellous things?

You’ve guessed it – they’re BELLS, and they rings, rings and rings!

S Armitage, Yorkshire

REGARDING the above letter (above), I was Poet Laureate for a few years before Mr Armitage took over, and Her Majesty the Queen also asked me to write a bell poem on the off-chance that National Bell Day became a thing. I thought I’d sent it over in 2016, but I’ve just checked my email to see that it’s been stuck in my outbox this whole time. I’m copying it here below, just in case Her Majesty is reading and she prefers my one to Mr Armitage’s:

‘Bells’ by Carol Ann Duffy (2016)

‘B’ is for ‘Bong’ – the sound that they make

‘E’ is for ‘Early’ – they chime and we wake

‘L’ is for ‘Last orders’ - hear the bell ring!

‘L’ is for see above - same fucking thing

‘S’ is for ‘Santa’

- with bells on his sleigh...

The same bells that jingle upon Christmas Day!

CA Duffy, Manchester