SAVED BY THE BELL!

Billy Elliot actor JAMIE BELL answers YOUR life-threatening bell-based queries

Dear Jamie, I AM standing underneath a clock tower and have just looked up to see that a large bell has come loose from its yoke and is falling rapidly towards me. What do you think is the best course of action?

Arthur Neardeath, Tintern

Jamie says: “This is a tough one, Arthur, as I don’t know the dimensions of the bell in question. Some clock tower bells are easily large enough to contain a fully-grown human within their hollow central chamber, meaning they could land on you without even leaving a scratch, as long as the clapper doesn’t hit you. However, since I don’t have all the details in front of me, I think the safest thing for you to do is to run quickly out of the way before the bell hits the ground. Congratulations: you’ve just been Saved By The Bell.”

Dear Jamie, IAM a Mafia ‘snitch’ and I have just been hurled into a river with a large church bell tied to my ankle. I am sinking fast, and was wondering if you had any tips on how I might live to see another day.

Paulie ‘The Snitch’ Carcasso, New Jersey

Jamie says: “First things first, Paulie: don’t panic. Evidence indicates that gasping, thrashing and swimming hard are the absolute worst things you can do in this situation, as they increase the chances of water entering your lungs, which then further reduces your buoyancy. Instead, simply remain calm and undo your belt. As you descend into the murky depths, use the spiky bit on your belt buckle to saw through the rope attaching the bell to your ankle. Once the rope breaks and the bell is loose, swim straight to the surface and take a large breath of life-giving oxygen. Congratulations: you’ve just been Saved By The Bell.”

Dear Jamie, AS I WRITE this, I am choking to death on a large chunk of bell pepper. My wife tells me I have turned blue and I am finding it increasingly hard to breathe. Do you have any advice on how I might be able to survive this experience?

Nicholas Gointo-Thelight, Nuneaton

Jamie says: “I do indeed, Nicholas. With your remaining breath, you should ask your wife to perform the ‘Heimlich Manoeuvre’ on you. If she doesn’t know how, simply tell her to Google ‘How to do the Heimlich Manoeuvre’, and then perform it. If she does it correctly, you should be coughing up the offending bell pepper chunk within seconds and beginning to breathe again normally soon afterwards. Congratulations: you’ve just been Saved By The Bell.”

Are YOU about to die because of a bell, or in a way that somehow relates to bells? Why not write in to: ‘Saved By The Bell’ c/o Jamie Bell off Billy Elliot, Viz Comic, PO Box 841, Whitley Bay, NE26 9EQ