CACK TO THE FUTURE
THE SCIENTIFIC world today reacted with shock at proof that time travel is real, as a visitor from the future manifested in a London street, then promptly went on to shit himself.
Pedestrians in London’s Whitehall reported a loud bang and a flash of light, as a man in futuristic silver clothes appeared out of thin air. The incident was caught on camera by a BBC crew filming an interview with a government minister, and broadcast live on the lunchtime news.
“It was like something out of a science fiction film,” said souvenir vendor Des Minnock. “This geezer just appeared out of nowhere. He looked really surprised, as if he hadn’t expected his experiment to work.”
“As a crowd gathered round him, he pulled something out of his coat – it was a newspaper. He held it up and said this was proof that he had come from the future.”
Minnock said he was unable to see all the newspaper’s front page but could make out the date at the top – 25th May 2503 – and par t of a headline which read ‘HUMANITY WIPED OUT BY…’
greetings
According to Minnock, the crowd went silent as the visitor from the future started to speak. He told us: “He started to make an announcement in a loud, clear voice. He said something along the lines of ‘People of 2019, I bring you greetings from the future. Do not be alarmed. I come with a great warning about the…’”
But the amazed onlookers never heard the rest of the warning, because according to Des, the time traveller then suddenly hunched over and pulled a face.
“He straightened up and tried to carry on, but when he repeated his line about ‘I come with a great warning…’, it happened again. He was bent double and even from where I was standing at my souvenir stall, I could hear this awful churning sound coming from his guts,” said Mr Minnock.
“It sounded like someone walking quickly through mince.”
“The time traveller took a deep breath and carried on,” said another witness, traffic warden Albert Crompton, who was patrolling Whitehall at the moment the mysterious visitor appeared. “He just said ‘I come with a great warning; seventy years from now humanity will be wiped out by…’”
“The next thing, there was a noise like someone emptying a whoopee cushion full of porridge, then this horrible smell filled the air,” Crompton continued.
“Folk were putting their sleeves over their noses and hiding their faces in handkerchiefs. It was bloody awful.”
post
Footage shows that the miraculous visitor from the world of tomorrow kept talking, saying something about the only way for mankind to stop impending doom, but everyone was looking at the bottom of his futuristic silver trousers.
Millions around the world watched on the BBC live feed as caramel-coloured effluent streamed down the mysterious stranger’s legs and began pooling around his feet.
“Perhaps it was a side-effect of the time travel, or perhaps he’d just had a dirty pint glass in the future pub the night before,” said Dr Umberto Quang, a physicist who witnessed the event on his way to his lab at UCL. “Whatever it was, it was absolutely disgusting. And there was no end to it.”
Desperate to impart as much information as he could, the stranger continued to deliver his urgent portent. Deliveroo driver Dougie Mainsail told us: “I caught a couple of phrases: ‘The only way to avert the disaster is…’ and ‘The one thing you need to know...’ but to be frank, we were all just mesmerised by how much he was shitting.”
“We were hoping to at least get a closer look at his newspaper to see what calamitous event the future had in store for us,” said Mainsail. “But after a while he started using it to clean the shit off himself.”
“I can see why, but it would’ve been great to get a look at it first,” he added.
And a second disaster struck as the mysterious voyager from tomorrow started to hop up and down, trying to shake the shit out of his futuristic kecks.
“As he landed, an extra-large lump of foulage came down his trouser leg and he slipped on it,” said van driver Hector Bandstand. “The poor sod went straight in front of a bus and was killed instantly.”
milk
Cern physicist and former D:Ream keyboardist Professor Brian Cox said that the incident was fascinating as it demonstrated that movement in any direction through spacetime is possible.
“We used to think that whilst movement through the three physical dimensions is multidirectional, the fourth dimension only allowed for unidirectional travel. We now have to think again,” said Cox.
“We may also need to consider the possibility that time travel may lead to severe gastro-intestinal problems, or perhaps it might be something to do with realignment of the body’s cells in the quantum nexus event horizon,” mused Professor Cox, whose hit includes Things Can Only Get Better.
And in an attempt to get hold of the knowledge the time-traveller attempted to impar t before shitting himself and getting run over, boffins at the Genevabased CERN par ticle accelerator are working on a device that could send a packet of Imodium forward in time.
“It is hoped that the Imodium will meet the mysterious stranger before he gets here, so that he can take a few before he lands,” said project leader Dr Ulricht Vorst. “That way, hopefully he won’t shit himself and get ran over by a bus.”
“Although paradoxically, the very act of us having witnessed the event means it is now part of the timeline and may be remembered by our distant descendants as they prepare the brave adventurer for his future mission. In which case they’ll probably send him off with a pack of squir ts tablets in his time machine anyway,” Dr Vorst added.