Roger’s PROFANISAURUS

A Festive Update from Britain’s Favourite Lexicon of Filth and Pro y

air baby n. A Bakewell tart that takes a great deal of effort to deliver and of which one feels enormously proud. ‘What’s that appalling whiff?’ ‘Ah, that would be my brand new air baby. It’s a beauty, isn’t it? Anyway, you may call your next witness.’

BAPS/baps acronym. Bollocks And Pits. ‘I only had time for a quick shower so I just washed my baps.’ baton twirler 1. n. A performer, such as a majorette, who twirls a short, decorative wand or staff, using such as the humb toss and the elbow roll. 2. n. A rub-a-tug shop emplo ee, tossteopath. 3. n. A keen devotee of monomanual self ovement. Belgian curl 1. n. Delicious, sweet, biscu y treat. 2. n. A firm bum cigar rolled and cut in the Fland region. bottom line . The final total of an accou 2. n. The arse crack. brown glow That lovely feeling of wellb ing after enjoying a nice big shit. ‘You do look well, gran. You’ve got that lovely brown glow about you.’ brown stab vest n. Any item placed betw the ringpiece and the gru in an effort to prevent unwanted blottin when one lacks confidence in the tautness of one’s nipsy. captain’s helmet n. A Thora Hird so long that it hits the sump while still having halfan-inch poking out above the Plimsoll line, like the Titanic’s gaffer’s titfer after he drove it into that iceberg. chronically understaffed 1. adj. Descriptive of insurance company call centres, NHS hospitals and - these days - the Chuckle Brothers. 2. n. Descriptive of the state of having a diminutive chopper. Cleopatra’s barge n. A stately, lavatorial vessel of considerable length that appears to be unsinkable Howe broken up, Cleopatra’s barge can easily be floated out to sea. crack of doom 1. n. A term lifted from the Good Book and Shakespeare that is, apparently (we wouldn’t know without looking it up), descriptiv eofa portentous trumpet blast signalling the Day of Judgement. 2. n. The ominous soun d of a loud fanfare from the brass eye. 3. n. The event horizon. creama-donna n. The creme-dela-femme, moip, fanny batter, love juice - call it what you will - of a d irty lady who finds herself in a state of se*ual arousal, most likely whilst watching that bit in Pride and Prejudice where Mr Darcy walks out the pond in his wet dunghampers. cunt conk n. eggs up a bird’s Ho Chi Minge. ‘I stopped off at the sex shop on the A1 and got you some cunt conkers for your birthday, nan.’ death star n. An especially

malodorous ringpiece. doggee n. A person who altruistically transacts their romantic assignations, often in a sylvan setting, for the amusement and pleasure of passers by. And gets spunked on by them all. durashit n. Faecal matter of such stickiness and viscosity that it can adhere to porcelain despite multiple flushes and applications of bleach. farty time n. The moment in

seems acceptable to drop your guts. ‘Oops, sorry Meghan.’ ‘Don’t worry, Harry. It’s well past farty time.’ frigor mortis n. medic. Momentary paralysis experienced by a bird who has just had her devil’s doorbell rung by the milkman. getting a shoulder ride off of Leo Sayer, looks like she’s exclam. Said of a lady with a large ladygarden. A reference to the famously frizzy tonsure of the erstwhile singer/songwriter/shortarse. ‘Seen this old picture of Germaine Greer, your holiness? She looks like she’s getting a shoulder ride off of Leo Sayer.’ golden fart, the 1. n. The welcome air biscuit that announces the end of a bout of bum gravy. 2. n. Short-lived ITV Sunday teatime gameshow of the 1970s. greggstatic adj. The state of euphoria reached by a big-boned person upon breathlessly reaching the front of the queue in a high street pie shop. hashtag 1. n. Symbol used on the internet, found on the computer keyboard by calling out “Oi, luv. How do you get a fucking hashtag again?” 3. n. A large winnit consisting of four arse hairs crossed and attached in the familiar manner. human pacman n. The dispiriting experience of browsing furniture in DFS. humidititty n. Sweat under

the boobs. lemon turd n. The sme ll that accompanies one’s missu sasshe emerges from the water closet at the conclusion of her morning ablutions . A combi nation of eau de colon and industrial strength air freshener. lighthouse keeper, wanking like a phr. Ferociously pulling one’s pud more or less around the clock, a lifestyle that only only a long-term solitary chap is able to enjoy. Living the dream. lung rocket n. A cigarette. Also co ail, tab, cancer stick etc. man ham n. The male generative equipment, including the two veg. melonade n. Jizz, spunk, jitler. From the proverb “When life gives you melons, make melonade.” microslopic adj. Descriptive of a small William Pitt that is towards the runny end of the the UK Standard Bristol Stool Scale. milk maid n. A grumble flick actress who is there with an an obliging hand for her fellow thespians. over-egg the pudding v. To buff the prong in a somewhat spirited manner, resulting in friction burns. ‘I’m afraid I won’t be able to make it to the final meeting of the Synod, Your Grace. I’ve over-egged the pudding, and walking in the procession would be a right bugger.’ pan au chocolat n. Fr. An unhealthily full bog. peanus butter n. Thick, white, salty cream somewhat disingenuously enjoyed by the mucky ladies in jazz peek-a-poo n. A Sir Douglas that is reluctant to be flushe away. perky blinders n. Nam given to an extremely larg set of nip-nops which cou d possibly have a fello eye out. See also fighter pilots’ thumbs, Scammel wh elnuts, pygmies’ cocks, cha hat pegs, duffle coat oggles, blind cobblers’ thum JCB starter buttons etc. piedrated adj. Descri of one who has eviden had some success dodging salads. ‘Fuck me, your mis us has put some right timbe on. Is she eating for two?’ ‘ She just likes to keep hers lf well piedrated.’ pigs in blankets n. Bobbers that have been lovingly covered with a sheet of bumwad to avoid embarrassment when the next bogger calls. pink admiral n. Spam butterfly. prints of darkness n. The result of breaching the hull after parking your breakfast. quim reaper, the 1. n. A renowned cocksmith, eg. Sir Mick Jagger, Sir Rod Stewart, Sir John Betjeman. 2. n. Women’s things, to which they fall victim once a month. replacement hipster n. A gentleman who is well into his fifties, yet who mistakenly believes that he is rocking the flat cap, beard and tattoos look. res ipsa loquitur exclam. Lat. In the common law of torts, whatever the fuck that is, “the thing speaks for itself”. Often heard in robing rooms at Crown Courts up and down the country when a barrister takes ownership of an audible flatus. running on red diesel euph.

Saidofa bird who has got the painters in. A reference to the low-duty agricultural fuel that is dyed to prevent it being used in road-going vehicles. ‘’Ere Rob, your missus has just tore me off a strip. Is she alright?’ ‘Sorry Jon. She’s running on red diesel this week, so she’s a bit temperamental.’ salmon Wellington 1. n. An oven-baked dish comprising of a generous fish fillet in white sauce, wrapped in puff pastry. 2. n. A generously-proportioned haddock pastie. secrets n. medic. rhym. slang. Cockney haemorrhoids. From secret smiles = Johnny Giles. short measure n. The difference between the seven units of alcohol you tell your doctor that you consume each week and the vast amount you actually put away. Sitzpinkler n. Germ. Old Teutonic term typically referring to a man who sits in order to urinate. sludge dredgers n. XXXLsized feminine nether apparel, made of an absorbent (not shiny) material and cut in the Bridget Jones style. smack Tardis n. A public telephone box, principally used for the purpose of calling heroin dealers in order to expedite multi-dimensional journeys through time and space. smellbound adj. The feeling of having a particularly potent Bakewell tart fermenting in one’s guts with release imminent. ‘Are you okay, Louise? You look like you’re in pain.’ ‘I’m just a bit smellbound, Dan, that’s all. Anyway, here’s the news, travel and weather wherever you’re watching this morning.’ snakecharmer’s basket n. A roomy receptacle that is capable of accommodating a serpent of any size, possibly even accompanied by a cross-legged fakir playing a pungi (look it up).

Star Wars waiting room euph. A local hostelry that is frequented by all manner of disreputable-looking lifeforms. stegmata n. The piercings, tattoos, and facial hair sculpting effected by certain homely people in the mistaken belief that they will look attractive and trendy.

Steve Smith, harder to get out than sim. Said of a stubborn splinter, rusty screw or nail, possibly a reference to the Australian cricket captain rather than the similarly named twenty-fourth Adjutant General of Connecticut, born in 1836. sugar doughnut, the n. A lady’s ringpiece, lightly dusted with talcum powder, which thusly delights her swain when she drops a gut. A romatic scene that must have been cut from the original cinema release of Love Story. Surtsey that one v. To drop off so many kids at the pool that a small isle of shite breaks the surface of the water in the pan. Named in honour of the small Icelandic volcanic atoll in the Vestmannaeyjar archipelago that broke the water’s surface in 1963. table a motion v. To partake in a perverted practice whereby a member of parliament lies under a glass coffee table whilst an obliging lady of the night drops a log onto it for their pleasure.

Terry Nutkin’s finger euph. Descriptive of a less wellendowed man; perhaps one whose cock, like the late television wildlife favourite’s digit, was partially bitten off by a hungry otter. trollstoy n. A prolific online commentator; one who wages War and Peace on social media, eg. That fucking poisonous bint who was on The Apprentice.

Violet Elizabeth n. A loud and demonstrative female organism. Named after Just William’s nemesis, who famously threatened to “Thcream and thcream and thcream until I’m thick...” wankard n. Arealale twat. With

a tankard. wankquiliser n. One of them sleeping pulls that a gentleman essays not because he is bursting with sexual energy but because he can’t nod off, and at least it might give him a brief respite from worrying about his shitty job if he manages to slip into a postorgasmic forty winks.