Viz Comic, P.O. Box 841 Whitley Bay, NE26 9EQ : letters@viz.co.uk
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HOW come you never see anyone buffing an apple on their jumper before eating it any more? I don’t even do it myself, as no doubt the PC lobby has now deemed it a ‘hate crime’ or some such, and I have no wish to be hauled up before the courts.
Two Jackets, Waterford
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WHY America has invested billions to develop a camera so powerful it can read a newspaper headline from space is anyone’s guess. Why don’t they just send astronauts up with a Kindle and pay the subscription fee for an electronic copy of their preferred newspaper? This would also allow them to read the full article and not just the headline.
Paul Padre, Walkington
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I THINK I’ve just walked past Bill Oddie, but it might have just been a dumpy old bloke with a beard. To be honest, you would think he would have the common decency to walk around doing the Funky Gibbon, or perhaps a few bird songs, so we know it’s definitely him.
Mark Brook, Paignton
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IF the tolerance for speed limits is 10% +2mph, why don’t they just update the speed signs to 35, 46 etc., so that people can concentrate on driving, rather than doing sums to work out how fast they can go?
Mat, Westhill ◻
I’VE watched the last series of The Apprentice, and I have honestly not seen that many twats in one place since my son’s fifth birthday party. Terry Tittybiscuits, Leeds
◻ MY wife came home recently clothes, to find shoes me and dressed underwear. in her We had a right laugh, when we realised the mistake I had made, as our wardrobes look very similar.
Terry Farricker, Blackpool
◻ HOW come when a train is cancelled, the rail operator puts on a replacement bus service, but when my bus to work doesn’t show up, the bus company doesn’t provide a replacement train? As always, it’s one rule for middle class, toffeenosed commuters, and another one for ordinary plebs who work locally.
,G
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illustration on Fox’s Glacier Mints wrappers, polar bears have been stranded on little melting blocks of ice since they were first manufactured back in 1918, long before climate change was invented. And the mints are probably still the same size now as they were in my childhood. What a con this socalled ‘global warming’ is.
Phil Kitching, Isle of Jura
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I’VE always assumed that you need to be big and strong to be a bouncer, but observing them at work while out last night, I realised that the main part of their job is spoiling people’s fun by pointing out what they are doing wrong. I think I’d actually be very good at that.
Jane Hoole Garner, St. Ives ◻
NOW that fracking has been outlawed in this country, couldn’t we keep the term and use it as a more palatable substitute for “fucking”, in much the same way that the way the Irish say “fecking”? “You fracking cunt” has a much less offensive tone to it.
Tommy Carbonate, Deal
◻ IAM middle-aged and bald as a coot, but I still use Head & Sh su no ve & Bellend, or & Taint.
Martin Naylor, Lancing
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I CAN’T believe all the fuss and attention our MPs got th ther month just because they had to work a Saturday for the first tim 0 years. I’ve been getting up be a bit of overtime for
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papers. And I wonder how many of them just laid in bed and got one of their MP mates to ‘clock on’ for them, like I have a time or two.
Grease Weekly, Kingswood & Broomfield
◻ HOW come astronauts from the 1960s always seem to be wearing their spacesuits inside the spacecraft? Surely when they go on their spacewalks outside they’re not going to feel the benefit.
Two Jackets, Waterford
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“WHY not re-use your towels?” suggested the sign in the bathroom of the hotel. Yet when I cut one up for dusters and used the other to clean my shoes, they were noticeably fucking cross. I think more clarity is needed from the hospitality industry.
Gail, Minchinhampton
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I JUST glued my baby niece to the front door of a petrol station. She started crying immediately, which just proves how worried she is about the future of the planet.
D Watts, email ◻ WHEN someone is shot in a TV drama, the medics always count to three before lifting them from the gurney to the operating table. Surely they could build the suspense up a bit if they counted to ten?
Bertrum Hubris, Croydon
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I’M tired of everyone harping on about how long giraffes’ necks are. I saw a snake the at London Zoo the other day and its neck went all the way down to its arse. That’s where the plaudits should go.
Billy Driptray, Surrey
A CABBAGE attached to your scrotum with duct tape makes an ideal scrotum-stretching weight. If it is too heavy and causing overstretching, simply remove a few of the outer leaves.
Kirk Flatus, Filey
RUIN the reputation of a new coworker by starting to steal from colleagues and leaving massive shits unflushed in the works toilets soon after they arrive, and then refraining from these activities whenever they are off.
Mike Tatham, St. Andrews
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IMAGINE how many wives you would end up with if you had to marry everyone you meet. Where to keep them all would be a massive problem, to say nothing of the expense and hassle of all the weddings. Let’s hope this, or any, government never brings in a law to require you to marry everyone you met.
Buff Orpington, Chepstow
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I DON’T think I’d have been any good if I was fighting in WWI. I need my eight hours every night, and all that shelling and early starts would have put me in a bad mood all day. Plus, I hate the smell of cigarette smoke, and I’m no historian, but they all seemed to be heavy smokers and they don’t seem to have had any ‘No Smoking’ trenches.
Rock Brazilliano, Kent
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I WRITE in response to Dave Kelly’s ridiculous suggestion in the last issue that the male contestants’ wangers on Naked Attraction should be shown swinging out due to centrifugal force. Everyone knows there is no such thing as centrifugal force, it is simply the observation of inertia from a specific frame of reference. The contestants’ wedding tackle should be rendered in CGI, swinging out due to inertia, and to prevent such misunderstandings over basic physics, the graphics team could add little force vector arrows along the shaft.
Julian Frost, Bedford
NAIL manufacturers. Fight back against the commercial success of the super-strong adhesive ‘No More Nails’ by rebranding your nails as ‘No More No More Nails’ Jack Funtingdale, Bradfield Combust
ENGLAND rugbyteam.Intimidate your opponents by performing a Morris Dance before every game. James Wallace, Belper
CONVINCE family and friends that you’re actually an American by only using your fork to eat and pushing your food around your plate aggressively during conversation. Herb Theocropalis, Tooting
TO keep a cake (cake A) fresh after having a slice, simply buy an
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I WAS excited to receive a box of Just Brazils last week. But it turns out they are covered in fucking chocolate. The sooner Brexit happens the better.
Simon Janes, Fucking Lyne ◻
I’D like to know where exactly Dennis Hopper got his fags from in the film Waterworld. They didn’t think that one through too well, did they?
Richard Devereux, Hereford ◻
I HEARD on the news that a man who climbed onto a plane for Extinction Rebellion was pulled off and then arrested. I’m no scientist, but if you ask me, handing out sexual favours to these people will only encourage them.
David Craik, Hull
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IN solidarity with Extinction Rebellion protesters, I smashed the windows and slashed the tyres of my neighbour’s new BMW to prevent its exhaust polluting the planet. I set fire to his shed as well, but that was because he’s a right cunt, nothing to do with the climate.
D F Kant, email equally sized cake (cake B) and remove an equal slice from it. Insert the slice from cake B into the gap in cake A, and Hey Presto! a whole fresh cake. The rest of cake B can then be disposed of. When you have another slice of cake A, simply buy another cake (cake C) and repeat the process.
Richard Sloan, Telford
FOOL people into thinking you’re a cowboy by tying your car to the nearest lamppost when you park it. John Owens, Glasgow
toptips@viz.co.uk
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I THOUGHT I should write in after spotting my Husband’s letter in issue 290, lamenting my meagre breast size as being no fun. Well, let me just say that he can hardly talk, as his cock is very much “fun size.” In fact it’s absolutely fucking tiny. And by the way, Martin, you can cook your own fucking tea tonight.
Martin’s Wife, London
* Oh dear, there seems to be a little conflict in your marriage at the moment, Martin’s Wife. This is very sad, but it is always best to tackle these things head-on and not let them fester. Perhaps you and your husband could attend some sessions with Relate, where trained counsellors will help you talk through the difficult issues in your relationship, including your small tits and his tiny cock. ◻
“ONLY a Dyson works like a Dyson” according to the new ad campaign. Well that’s a relief to hear. I was a little bit worried that my new Shark Lift-Away vacuum cleaner might sod off to Singapore if the going got tough.
Tim, Liverpool
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AS the Suffolk FA didn’t introduce VAR technology for the Thurston Fox & Hounds FC v Elmswell United Reserves match last Sunday, could readers please let me know if they have any mobile phone footage of Derek Battersby’s header so that I can check it for offside? If they could respond fairly soon it would be appreciated, as there are only two minutes left and I want to restart the game.
Ian Webb (FA Referee), Bury St Edmunds
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WHY are there charity shops called ‘Cats Protection’? I can understand raising money to save snow leopards and whales and so on, but since when have we been running out of cats? And if we’re talking about protection, where’s the charity shops for mice?
Barry Truncheons, Goole
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I HAD a look at the Periodic Table the other day and Christ, what a load of rubbish. Who’s ever heard of Molybdenum or Astatine or Hafnium? Come on scientists, stick to everyday elements that we are all familiar with, like wood, glass and sand.
Ben Nunn, Caterham
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DO any of your readers know whether you can buy cough mixture vaping fluid? I’ve had a dreadful chest cough since I started vaping and Covonia seems to go down the wrong hole.
Stuie, Bunny
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I HAVE just watched an advert for Nescafé Azera in which two hippy-ish London residents investigate the source of a disturbance under the The Noise Act 1996. Their inquisitive nature leads them to a Launderette, inside which they encounter a jamboree taking place. By contrast, when I lived in London, the only thing I witnessed in a launderette was a tramp taking a shit into a plastic flip-lid bin.
Walter Chipotle, Giggleswick
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THEY say more people are killed by cows in England each year than are killed by sharks worldwide. What a load of bollocks. I don’t even think cows can swim, and even if they can, I’ve certainly never seen one in the ocean.
Angus, Bishops Stortford
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IF we all turn veggie, what will happen to all the cows and sheep? Surely they would just start overpopulating the countryside. Then nature would come up with some way of keeping their numbers in check by evolving a massive bird thing that picks them off. However, this beast wouldn’t be too choosy and would almost certainly eat ramblers and small children too, meaning we’d all have to stay indoors, properly shitting it. I think we should all stick to eating meat as the cabbage-chompers haven’t really thought this one through.
Willy Balls, Banbury
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SINCE Christmas is coming up, How about a picture of that bloke kissing that bird’s arse adorned with some tinsel or fairy lights, or maybe some snowdriftstyle spray round the edges?
Richard Low, Kilsyth
* What a good idea, Richard. However, our Christmas edition hit the shops on Thursday 14th
November, which meant that all the pages had to be with the printer two weeks earlier on Friday 1st. Since your letter arrived on 30th October and the Letterbocks pages are set a week before going to press, it was the perfect storm which made your request impossible. Had you written just six days earlier, the Christmas issue’s pages could have seen the picture of that bloke kissing that bird’s arse with all tinsel and fairy lights as you requested.
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HOW about a picture of that bloke kissing that Phoebe Waller-Bridge off of the BBC’s Fleabag’s arse?
Brucie Bonus St. Leonards on Sea.
* Would YOU like to see a celebrity getting kissed on the arse by that bloke in that picture? Simply write and tell us which celebrity you would like to see getting their arsed kissed and why, and if your letter is chosen, we’ll print the picture in the next issue. Mark your envelope or email “That picture of that bloke kissing that star’s arse.”
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THE contestants on The Great British Bake-Off are rubbish. They over-bake or under-bake their stuff even when given a clear deadline, while I can get my Fray Bentos pie crispy to perfection with three minutes till the news every night of the week. Where’s my Hollywood Handshake?
Ben, Whitstable
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I KNOW it’s not Jimmy Hill, but do I still win £5 for spotting Northampton’s very own Alan Moore in the Whisker Galore! strip in number 290? I’m sure he would be overjoyed to be included in such an esteemed publication as yours.
Paul Lewis, Cardiff
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MY wife told me to make a New Year’s resolution not to share so much of our private life with the public via social media. I expect she’s a bit sensitive at the moment after getting so pissed that she shit herself on the high note of Auld Lang Syne on New Year’s Eve. But as a loving husband, it’s the least I can do. It’s still early in the year, but it’s going well so far.
Hector Doolittle, Leeds
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IT’S all very well Bryan Adams going on about how great the summer of ’69 was, but that was when I got hit by a car which broke my leg and put me in hospital for 10 weeks, meaning I missed all the school holidays and didn’t get to see the live broadcast of the Apollo 11 moon landing. Mind you, Bryan Adams is Canadian, and he probably grew up on a farm in the back end of fuck knows where, so he may have been singing with rose-tinted glasses on.
Derek Coster, Watford
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THAT Noel Gallagher out of Oasis is not the most handsome of fellows. Thankfully, though, his charming personality makes up for any shortfall in this area.
Dick Ballsac, Norwich
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“THA mecks a muckle and tha’s got t’muck a meckle”, my old Yorkshire Grandma used to say. As a result of this and other nonsensical babblings, we had her put away.
Eldon Furse, email.
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I’D like to propose a new feature that should appeal to your more discerning readers: Round the Chod Bin World in 80 Dumps. Photographic entries of unusual toilets from round the world with a short caption should do the trick. Let me kick proceedings off with this techno-classic model from Seoul. Geoff Greensmith,
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AREN’T them Americans rubbish, what with their screeching car tyres and thunder and lightning every time they get a bit of rain? Oh, and their big cheeseburger bellies.
Michael Crowther, email
* Well, a year or so ago, we would have agreed with you Michael. But in post-Brexit Britain, we will be relying on the USA to give us a good trade deal. So we think they are wonderful people with a great, stable genius president who is a magnificent role model to everyone in the world.
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I FIND it nice that the abusive chant of “You’re shit and you know you are” at least acknowledges the intended victim’s level of self-awareness. Credit where it’s due and all that.
Two Jackets, Waterford
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“YOU only get an Ooooh with Typhoo” the advert says. But my missus went “Ooooh” when I stuck two fingers in her balloon knot. Actually it was more of an “Arrghfuckoff!”, but that would sound stupid in a tea advert. Frankly, I don’t think they’ve thought it through.
Ian Baker, Weston-super-Mare
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I DON’T understand why films about lighthouse keepers always portray them as dark, disturbed, miserable souls. Sounds like the ideal job to me. If I could spend all day watching telly, having a wank with the curtains open and getting pissed every night, that sounds spot on. Trevor Plywood, Glossop
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I BET most of them aliens in films such as Star Trek and Star Wars have really bad breath. And I also reckon that their farts are pretty terrible too.
Richard Devereux, Hereford
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HOW do seals drink fresh water to survive? Perhaps the gobshite scientists and religious cock suckers could answer me that.
Charles the Ninth, Rimsville ⬜
SO, to reverse all this global warming we must stop flying on holiday, stop using the car, stop using gas and electricity, and stop eating meat. This is indeed a heavy price to pay and I for one would rather drown with all the polar bears.
Stuart Achilles, Wigan
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DOES anyone know if Bamber Gascoigne is still alive? Because last night I had a dream where I was visiting a stately home and he was taking a shit in the garden. I want to know for certain if it was him.
Ed Win, Corby
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IN a dream last night, I was out for a walk in the country when I had an urgent shit in someone’s outdoor toilet. Later in the dream, the police tracked me down and gave me a stern warning. What, exactly, is the law in this regard?
Mike Bell, Chelmsford
* Two very interesting letters involving shitting in dreams. Are there any lawyers amongst our readers who could say if any crimes had been committed in those dreams, or any psychotherapists who could interpret them.
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THE amount of pornography freely available on the internet nowadays makes me very concerned. There isn’t nearly enough. Come on grumble merchants, at least make a bit of effort.
Craig Scott, East Calder
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A LOCAL caravan retailer on the radio uses the slogan “As passionate about caravans as you are”. Quite frankly, I couldn’t giveafuckaboutcaravans,which makes their company look rather unprofessional.
Graeme Clark, Crook