PROFESSOR BRIAN COX
Occupation: Scientist Resolution: Spend less time using technology
GADGET-MAD Brian is famous for his obsession with all things hi-tech. Whether he’s prodding his ‘synthesizer’, twiddling the knobs on a space telescope or tapping away at his 3G mobile to send a ‘Tweet’ to his 2.95 million followers, there’s nothing this tousle-haired egghead likes more than fannying about with spaceage machinery.
But too much ‘screen time’ can have a detrimental effect on everything from our eyesight and mental health to our social life and sperm count. We’re all on the lookout for ways to cut down our use of technology to spend more quality time with friends and family, so it’s fair to assume that computer-crazy Brian might well have put ‘logging off’ at the top of his 2020 Resolutions list.
It’s a noble – albeit hypothetical – vow. But can the tech-bonkers boffin stick to it?
I book a flight to Geneva on January 2nd, and head for CERN, home of Cox’s Large Hadron Collider. In the dead of night, I disguise myself as a CERN technician, dressing up in a Village
Peoplestyle
‘construction worker’ costume bought off eBay. T he gullible security guard is instantly taken in by my hard hat, tight grey vest and tool belt, and I step right past him with no questions asked, once I’ve hit him several times with a large bit of wood.
I make my way to Cox’s private quar ters, and bearing in mind the New Year’s Resolution I’ve imagined, I am expecting to find a Luddite-esque haven full of textbooks, candlelight and simple wooden trinkets. As I peer through the crack in the door, however, I’m immediately disappointed. There is computerised gadgetry everywhere – tablets, laptops, Kindle e-readers – and the floor is a veritable jungle of computer cables and wires. Clearly the bed-headed physicist has shattered his supposed January oath within just hours of potentially making it. To add insult to injury, Cox is even jabbering away into his high-tech mobile phone as I approach. I see him through the door, whispering: “Hello. Police?… I think someone’s broken in... Come as quick as you can.”
As I leave, I feel sick to my stomach at the small screen scientist’s despicable lack of willpower. To make it look like a genuine break-in, rather than a respectable reporter on the hunt for hypocrisy, I do a quick shit in the Hadron Collider before making my escape.
The Professor famously sang, “Things can only get better.” Well, Brian, when you break your New Year’s Resolution on JANUARY 2ND, they can’t get much worse.