DAVID CAMERON
Occupation: Former Premier Resolution: Go vegan
WHILST he is best remembered for being the brave leader that united our country with the Brexit referendum, David Cameron’s reign as prime minister was marred by some unfair – and possibly untrue – allegations about him sticking his cock in a pig.
Since these rumours of youthful swinefucking continue to dog him to this day, it’s highly likely that Cameron will have chosen to distance himself from meat entirely this year by pledging to go vegan for 2020.
It’s an admirable intention, and the health benefits of a plant-based diet are well recorded. But the question is: can Dave reallygothemeat-and-dairy-freedistance?
To find out, I arrive in the Cotswolds town of Chipping Norton on January 14th. I’m here for a private barbecue held at the home of Cameron’s close friend and neighbour, Jeremy Clarkson. Motormouthed Clarkson famously loves meat so much that he punched his producer for failing to get him a steak, so if there’s anywhere Cameron’s speculative New Year’s ‘Vegan-lution’ will be tested, it’s here.
The event is invite-only and security is tight, so to gain entry I disguise myself as another member of the Cotswolds celebrity set: cheese-mongering Blur bassist Alex James. Wearing a Beatles wig and with an inflatable bass guitar slung around my shoulders and a fag dangling from my lip,
I saunter up to Clarkson’s gate. “I’m Alex James out of Blur,” I tell the doorman. “I’m here for the barbecue.”
“Yes, of course, come on through,” I imagine the guard is thinking, and after a brief scuffle in which
I immobilize him with a
Taser I bought on the internet, he allows me to pass.
Striding through the star-studded gathering, I spot ex-PM Cameron making his way towards a ‘bra and pants’ apron-clad Clarkson, who is manning the barbecue. Bearing in mind the resolution I’m assuming he’s made, I expect to see the former Tory leader walking away with a slice of nut roast and a bowl of lentils. To my surprise, however, Cameron asks the Grand Tour icon to serve him up the juiciest beefburger on the griddle – with a slab of grilled cheese on top!
As the allegedly pig-bothering exPM takes a bite, I shudder in horror. January is not even halfway over and already the hypothetically ‘vegan’ premier is stuffing his face with dead flesh and dairy produce. We are used to politicians breaking their promises to the public, but Cameron can’t even keep one to himself.
Disappointment courses through my veins, and when I see several security guards approaching – along with the real Alex James – I decide it’s time to make my exit. Before I go, I sneak into the kitchen and perform a sex act in the potato salad to make them think I was a crank with a grudge against Clarkson, rather than an award-winning
undercover journalist.
In his days as PM, Cameron was often referred to as a ‘right honourable gentleman’. But clearly, when it comes to keeping his Resolutions, he’s nothing of the fucking sort.