DAVID MITCHELL
Occupation: TV funnyman Resolution: Learn to speak fluent Latin
CAMBRIDGE- educated brainbox David loves to show off his impressive vocabulary and lightning quick wit on popular TV panel shows such as Would I Lie To You?, QI and Have I Got News For You.
He keeps viewers rolling in the aisles with his highbrow quips on everything from literature and history to science and maths. However, there’s one intellectual mountain he has yet to climb: mastering the long-dead language of Latin.
Speaking Latin is the widely accepted pinnacle of cleverness, and only the most brilliant and perceptive thinkers – such as MP Jacob Rees-Mogg – are capable of it. With that in mind, it’s almost cer tain that cerebral funnyman Mitchell has etched ‘Learn to speak fluent Latin’ firmly at number one on his list of resolutions for 2020.
It’s a bold theoretical pledge that will take months of hard work. But can he really pull it off?
On January 6th, I make my way to the Would I Lie To You? studios in central London. I am dressed as a delivery man, in blue shor ts and a peaked cap, with a leather satchel over my shoulder.
The security guard falls for my disguise, and once I’ve wrestled him to the floor and held a chloroformsoaked rag to his face, I’m able to waltz straight past him.
I knock at Mitchell’s dressing room and enter. “Veniam in me, Dominus Mitchell,”
I chirp. “Sarcina pro vobis.” The Peep Show jester looks frightened and confused. “Er, sorry... what?” he splutters.
Oh dear. Not a good start.
I’ve just said, “Excuse me, Mr Mitchell, I’ve got a package for you,” in Latin. A relatively straightforward statement, but the supposedly ‘intelligent’ comedian clearly hasn’t understood a single word. He’s had six whole days to get cracking on the hypothetical New Year’s Resolution I’ve conceived for him, and yet he doesn’t appear to have learnt a single Latin phrase.
Being a good sport, I decide to give the Upstart Crow icon a second chance. I hand him a parcel, which he opens to reveal a large Latin dictionary. But instead of saying, “Great, just what I need for my New Year’s Resolution,” Mitchell simply stares at me. “I didn’t order this,” he mutters.
He goes to call security, and I’m left to reflect on the bitter disappointment of discovering that yet another A-List star has thrown their January promise out of the window within days of making it. I don’t want Mitchell realising that a top repor ter is on his trail, so to make myself seem like an ordinary stalker, I do a shit in his costume cupboard before jumping out of the window.
We all love Mitchell’s erudite quips on Would I Lie To You? But when it comes to making New Year’s Resolutions, the weak-willed wisecracker is only lying to HIMSELF.