Roger’s 2020 PROFANISAURUS

A BOLLOCKING HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ONE AND ALL

self-pitying trickle of jizz that settles in the scuds long after the main bolt has been shot and the trousers have been pulled up & buckled. backstop n. The rear upper surface of the lavatory pan which somewhat mysteriously - often seems to get shat on. bake off n. A game played by bored workmates in adjacent crapper cubicles, whereby they judge each others’ steaming efforts. ballsackmic vinegar n. The final, toe-cur ingly good dressing added b aneager cook to Piers Morg n’s chips. Chef ’s special sauc bargument Like a normal argument bu ith added drink and the threa lassing. bellendium A list of people one finds annoying or contemptible. See also twatalogue. big muck A hearty, blood pressure-raising dump enjoyed seve urs after gorging on fast food. botta nova Rhythmic, seated, circam ulatory movement of the bummocks, performed in o der to dislodge a brown trout

’bow tiddly adj. A little unsteady on one’s feet after a morning quaf of the famous Herefordshire apple drink. butterfly chicken n. Named after a popular item from the Nandos menu, a descriptive term for a particularly wellused and ugly lady-badge. calm down Arthur exclam. On light-hearted TV series Peaky Blinders, a phrase often spoken by Thomas Shelby to his homicidal maniac of a brother, which could also be essayed in a vain attempt to avoid unnecessary unpleasantness after inadvertently bumping into anyone in a Wetherspoon’s after 10:30 in the morning. carbon neutral adj. Descriptive of an escape of flatus from the back door that is neither loud nor particularly odorous. chippy tits n. medic. Physical condition cultivated by builders, plumbers and electricians who prefer to eat the packed lunch lovingly prepared by their other half for their ten

ad the nearest chip shop two hours later for some decent grub. clash of the titans n. An epic pair of norks clattering around in a young lady’s shirt. cold shower, like wanking in a sim. Descriptive of an energy-sapping, chaffing, and ultimately unrewarding task or activity. dented bells, face like a bag full of sim. Unconventionally attractive. ‘Today’s birthdays: Gerard Depardieu, French actor and pissed-up cultural ambassador, 71; Lily Cole, big-eyed frock model with Alevels, 32; Janet Street-Porter, screeching TV presenter with a face like a bag full of dented bells, 73.’ devil’s motorboat n. A release of flatus like the death rattle of a bull elephant. disnae channel, the n. Scots. The rear entrance of a shy lassie who has yet to succumb to the shameful delights of backyard action. dogmanay n. Scots. Traditional Glaswegian festival of al fresco nookie, celebrated up and down Sauchiehall Street shortly after closing time. don’t speak ill of the dead exclam. Admonition delivered with the head bowed solemnly when someone dares to criticise a person who has recently passed wind. dry riser 1. n. Something to do with central heating. 2. n. An erection that erectivitates without any stimulation, either visual or tactile. e-dummy n. A millennial’s paci

fier, viz. Their smartphone. first task of the day euph. A wank. ‘Well that’s the first task of the day completed, dear. Time for a short nap,

foot fetishist n. One with a highly developed special interest in ‘Big’ John Holmes (or ‘Big’ Stephen Pound MP)sized ma lege nitalia. fossil fuel n. The kind of alcoholic beverages which light the passions of gilfs and other sexually active pensioners, eg. Cream sherry, Warnink’s advocaat, Pernod and black, half a stout. ‘Another fossil fuel for you, is it, Ena?’ ‘Yes, Minnie. I’m on a mission tonight.’ Fuckinstein n. prop. A mythical fantasy woman fashio ned from various parts of desirable pieces; the plans for such a wonder usually formulated by an alcohol-fuelled committee of disgracefully sexist males. ‘Right, so it’s agreed; Our Fuckinstein will have Kylie’s arse, Susannah Reid’s legs, Charlize Theron’s face, and Sharon the barmaid’s tits.’ fuckofferer n. Somewhat disparaging term for a nightclub bouncer. Also doorknob. fug horn n. Low frequency audible alert emitted from the botty bugle as a warning to those in the vicinity that atmospheric conditions are about to change, and not, one might reasonably suppose, necessarily for the better.

s ensuite eup The kitchen sink. ‘The gentlemen’s ensuite’s blocked again, Camilla.’

Gumby theatre n. Any vexatious online political debate, perhaps on the subject of Brexit. handrex n. When one’s hand is pressed into service in order to perform the various tasks that would usually be done by bumwad, ie. Blowing one’s nose, mopping up a spillage of Harry Monk, and, of

here’s what the critics are saying exclam. Announcement made just before you drop your guts in polite society. See also and the thunderball is,

,word and now on BBC4 our survey

,sponsor, said and now a from our please hold for the president etc. hiatus symbol n. Any item flaunted by a woman as a signal that there’l lbenoneofthat nonsense tonight, eg. A box of fanny napkins, a packet of headach e tablets on the bedside table, a wedding ring on the third finger of her left hand etc. hippo’s jaw n. A large and over-extended fadge into which you could throw a bucket of buns. Also donkey’s earhole, clown’s pocket. hit from the pong, a n. A bathtime Lionel Bart that bubbles up like a puff on a water pipe; a shit-hole shisha.

I’m declaring a climate emergency exclam. Something else to say after dropping a noisome gut.

Jacob Rees-Mogg 1. n. rhym. slang. A long log draped over the porcelain in a style that is emetically reminiscent of the limp Leader of the House reclining louchely along the parliamentary front bench. 2. jumper tits n. Lady jugs which appear impress neath a woollen swea , but which mysteriously vanish onc ethegarmentisre Chimaeric twin peaks. just take a bit off the back and sides 1. exclam. gent’s instructions to his ba ber. 2. exclam. A chap’s help ul suggestion when instruc missus on how best to clean the pan as he exits th smallest room after throw ng his shoes out of the loft. lass grease n. Generic term used to describe the vast r nge of creams, lotions, foams balms, oil s and u ng uents wit which women stuff their b cabinetry. lordy n. A posh Geordie. love lift n. A vertical shaft that should ideally be accompanied by the ringing of a little bell. mukbang 1. n. Kor. An internet fad, originally from Korea, where viewers watch mukbangers eating vast quantities of food. 2. n. A scuttle up the Gary Glitter.

Napoleon fag n. A smoke enjoyed with one hand behind your back. nutsack navigator n. A selfcontained - yet potent - air biscuit that emerges in the vacuum of the undercrackers and makes its way gradually to the open air, charting a tortuous route around the man bag on its way. Also trouser tickler. old age traveller n. Coffin dodger with a rucksack who is taking advantage of their free bus pass to travel several miles to a remote market town to buy a small jar of coffee. onion bag 1. n. Football pundit

terminology for the goal, usu

ally ‘the old ~’. 2. n. The male equivalent of a camel toe. Also munge, butcher’s fist, Darcy Bussell’s footrest. operation yellowhammer 1. n. The codename used by the UK Treasury when referring to farcical, cross-government, civil contingency planning for the possibility of a nodeal Brexit, it says here. 2. n. Cleaning up any skids on the bog using your piss chisel. paperless orifice n. The result of dropping a crowd pleaser where, given the immaculate condition of the nipsy, absolutely no paperwork is required. pincushion n. A woman of easy virtue. ‘I’ve heard she was a bit of a pincushion, your holiness, notwithstanding all her good works in Calcutta.’ pink pitta breads n. Elderly women’s jugs that appear deflated like a burst tyre. plips n. Pussy lips. prolog n. An impressive stool. prorogue 1. v. Something that is done to parliament. 2. n. A pimp, a brasshouse’s doorman. ramp shot 1. n. In cricket, a strike that deflects the ball over the batsman’s shoulder; a shot that is, it says here, popular in the one day and T20 games. 2. n. A rather intense and enthusiastic pop shot that flies over one’s shoulder. ring finger 1. n. The digit upon which you wear your wedding or engagement band. 2. n. The digit that will end up the smelliest after a particularly sordid romantic interlude. sadmin n. The dispiriting process of constantly checking all your social media accounts in the forlorn hope that someone - anyone - has interacted with you. snooker rest n. The Bristol

channel of an amply endowed lady, used to steady the pink cue as it moves back and forth before making a shot. soylent grey n. Any comestible of dubious provenance offered in a vegan food shop. ‘What’s in these pies?’ ‘Soylent grey, water, and egg substitute.’ squart n. A fart which has turned into a squirt halfway through. straight brown card, a n. Following through. ‘And that’s a straight brown card there for Lineker.’ sweetmeat n. A gigglestick dipped in honey or something similar to make it more palatable to a picky fellatrix. to the tasting table! 1. exclam. Instruction issued to contestants on the Great British Menu that their culinary efforts should be served up to the judge chef. 2. exclam. Instruction issued to a chap’s inamorata, informing her that a drink on a stick will shortly be served, and she might care to assume the position in order to enjoy a proper gobful. trip advisor 1. n. A website where you can slag off someone’s restaurant or hotel. 2. n. A name given to the person who can inform you of the best place to buy illicit psychoactive substances. ‘Got any Charlie, Dave?’ ‘No mate, you’d be best talking to the Trip Advisor. He’s that big cunt over by the bar.’ unfappable adj. Too fugly to wank off to under even the most desperate or drunk circumstances, eg. The unfappable Ann Noreen Widdecombe. woolsack 1. n. Large square cushion stuffed with horsehair, upon which the Speaker of the House of Lords dozes gently during debates. 2. n. A particularly hairy ball bag, upon which the Speaker of the House of Lords sits, whilst dozing gently during debates. yoga mat, she can use my face as a exclam. Complimentary comment as might be uttered about a fit young piece by a fellow who has not necessarily been keeping up with all the latest developments in sexual politics. weightlifter’s fart, breath like a sim. Halitosis. See also necking turds, dung lung, shit smuggler’s rucksack. Wetherspoon’s, like waiting to get served at sim. Waving something in your hand, in the vain hope of catching the wife’s or girlfriend’s (or somebody else’e wife’s or girlfriend’s) eye.