LEAMINGTON SPACE
LEAMINGTON SPA Councillors this week unveiled plans to rocket into the record books as the first town in Britain to journey into space. And the town’s planning committee have set an ambitious date of 2021 to get it done.
“It’s time to put Leamington Spa on the map, and the way we’ve decided to do that is by sending everyone who lives here into space,” said local councillor, Rilkie Balbatross. “Leamington has a population of 55,733, so getting everyone up there at the same time sadly won’t be possible. We’re currently in talks with NASA discussing the logistics of doing it in shifts,” he added.
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The council plans to use the 2011 census to work through the various wards, allocating time slots to each household instructing them when to arrive at the Kennedy Space Station in Florida for their 90-minute flight into the thermosphere. And a loophole in local bylaws means that not going won’t be an option, with anyone failing to make the journey facing a hefty fine, court summons or a visit from the bailiffs.
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At £250,000 per person, the ambitious project will set the town back over £13 billion, and councillors have warned that a hike in council tax rates of 4000% is on the cards. And the council’s head of planning, Frank Margerine, confessed that all spending on urban development, maintenance and public services will have to be put on ice for at least 100 years.
“Everyone will have to feel the pinch,” he told the Leamington Spa Clarion and Trumpet. “We’ll have to shut down libraries, a few care homes and end school meals. But when we become the first town to take that one small step, it will all have been worth it,” he added.
Despite the massive financial implications, many residents were excited about the prospect of their town leaving the earth’s atmosphere.
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“I’m really looking forward to it,” said local resident Eric Fisticuffs. “As someone who left school at 14 to work in the local abattoir, I was honestly starting to think that my chances of becoming an astronaut and boldly going where noone has gone before were almost over. So I’m over the moon,” he quipped.
However, not all were as excited about the venture, and there has been angry opposition to the idea from some residents.
“I’ll be ruddy livid if they send me into space,” said local florist Bunty Horsebasket, one of many embittered locals, who thought that being projected out of the Earth’s orbit at 2485mph against her will was a step too far for a local council.
“I’m absolutely terrified of flying, and I can’t say I’m relishing the prospect of being blasted 62 miles into the sky and forced to experience the sensation of weightlessness,” she added. “I’ve got a shop to run.”
shake it all about laws
And school crossing lady Edna Grumble, whose job is likely to fall under the axe, was equally unimpressed. “They don’t know what to waste their money on next,” she told repor ters. “Last year there was talk of building a 25-mile circumference Hadron Collider under the town and stretching as far as Kenilworth. Now this.”
“If they’ve got money to send us all into space, they’ve got money to collect our bins weekly instead of for tnightly,” Mrs Grumble added.