WOKE CELEB No. 3: Billy Bragg

THE so-called ‘Bard of Barking’ has spent his three-decade socalled ‘career’ railing against such Great British Institutions as the Conservative party, The Sun newspaper and the National Front. As such, it would be no surprise to discover that April Fools’ Day was next on Billy’s humourless Marxist hit list. We have to ask: in the Trotskyite’s troubadour’s ‘New England’, would our beloved April pranks still be permitted? It’s high time we found out...

Having fled Marina Hyde’s plush pad, I arrive at Stalinist Bragg’s vast twobedroom semi-detached Essex mansion just after 7am. Using my trusty crowbar, I quickly break into the downstairs loo and locate the bog roll.

I extract three extrahot ‘Scotch Bonnet’ chilli peppers from my combat trousers, and, wearing thick gloves and protective goggles,

I rub their scorching flesh vigorously across the first sheet of loo paper.

I can’t help chuckling to myself as I clamber back out of the window: even a woolly liberal killjoy like Bragg will surely find this classic prank priceless. The look on the Sexuality singer’s face when he realises he’s been had will be an absolute picture.

Concealing myself out of view, I see the Bolshevik balladeer enter the bathroom and begin doing his business. When the job is done and it’s time for the paperwork, he tears off the chilli-smeared sheet and crams it straight up his leftie arse.

I brace myself for the tinkling sound of joyous laughter... But none is forthcoming.

Instead, the comedy-phobic vocalist screeches in agony and begins writhing about frantically on the bathroom floor. “Oh f***! Oh Jesus! My a***! My f*cking arse is on fire!” Bragg shrieks, whilst clutching his, admittedly, inflamed-looking anus.

I shake my head in tragic desperation. Yet another high-and-mighty A-List snowflake so in thrall to the politically correct ‘thought police’ that they can’t even enjoy a simple practical joke.

I’m so upset that I can barely hold my hand steady as I film Bragg on my phone as he thrashes about like a freshly landed pike.

Billy wowed fans with his 1983 hit ‘To Have And To Have Not’. And when it comes to a sense of humour, we can clearly file this fun-sucking sourpuss firmly in the LATTER category.