Roger’s PROFANISAURUS

A Valentine Update from Britain’s Favourite Lexicon of Filth and Profanity

and then the guns fell silent exclam. Something to be said during a period of uneasy calm following a furious fusilade of bumshots. and to think... I hesitated exclam. Hellbound: Hellraiser 2-inspired pronouncement following a transdimensionally diabolical message from the chamber of hell that smells like an attic full of corpses and will almost certainly necessitate the destruction of a mattress. backhander n. A gypsy’s kiss of such explosive ferocity that the unfortunate ind vidual using the next urinal can feel the sprayback on the back of their hand. balloon technician n. medic. A cosmetic surgeon; one who adjusts the amount ofair in women’s ca bear’s cave ph. A rather scary arsehole with brown claw marks aroun he entrance. bland job n. n-of-the-mill manual relie administer edby a frankly un nterested partner. A bland job is normally considered b tter than pulling yourself off, but only just. bog bean 1. n t. Menyanthes trifoliata, a spe cies of marshdwelling wild flower. 2 .n.A robust, fun-s zed floater that bobs around in the pan like a buoyant Robert Maxwell and can prove surprisingly resilient to flushing. Also Duncan, humming turd, playful dolphin. Brian Blessed’s whisper n. An attempted silent Lionel Bart in polite company that ends up setting off car alarms three streets away. cancelling the milk n. Taking a post-ejaculatory piss , to clear the pipes and prevent later seepage. carb unloading n. The process

of doing a nice big duty. character actress euph. A kind way to describe a lass who, if she were a thesp, with the best will in the world would likely rarely be cast as the romantic lead in a movie. do-me do-you n. A doubleheaded rubber or plastic device that can be shared by any pair of consenting adults who have a refreshingly open-minded attitude to the other. drooping the colour n. When a chap’s guardsman fails to stand to attention. ‘Any chance of a quick punch up the whiskers, Charles?’‘I’m afraid not, Camilla. I’m drooping the colour this morning.’ drug dealer’s doorbell, in and out like a sim. Descriptive of a shagger’s arse or, for that matter, a fiddler’s elbow. Dutchman’s dessert n. The follow-up after the main course that is kept warm in a Dutch oven. eyes wide shit phr. Reference to a terrifying defecatory event that is wrought through with

flabia n. The fleshy escutcheons

on a fat bird’s badge. floptimistic adj. Romantically over-confident, when heavily refreshed, regarding one’s amatory abilities. forewood planning n. The process of getting everything ready for a wank, viz. Tissues to hand, living room door secure, volume on laptop muted etc. four-sit-shitter, the n. In the morning, the numb erofgoes it takes to successfully despatch the results of a f at curry from the night before. fuckulties n. Notional allure retained by an olderw oman to whom a generously disposed fellow would be prepared to give one. ‘ tel you wh may be kicking eighty, but that Helen Mirren’s still got all her fuckulties, your holiness’ Genk 1.n. prop. Belgian city located on the Albert canal between Antwerp and Liege which, as you know, is famous for its Ash Wednesday carnival. 2. n. Foreskin residue found on the bell-ends of gentlemen with a less than satisfactory

brimula hygiene regimen. gland sanitiser n. Liquid alcohol used to decrease infectious agents on the male membrum virile in anticipation of a nosh, viz. Adipina pint in a pub toilet. gone in sixty seconds 1. n. Film about car thieves in sunglasses driving around with all smoke coming off their tyres. 2. phr. Premature ejaculation. Also Johnny jibber, spending your money before you get to the shop, falling at Beecher’s, pot

ngt ack on t goutrage n. Anger exhibited by portly, red-faced gents who are so angry about things they have neve rbo thered trying to understan dth at their monocles pop out.

King Kong attacks the lighthouse euph. Relaxing in a gentle man’s way whilst taking a bath. knocker lockers n. Titpants. lady cup n. The feminine bower of bliss. Also cunt, twat, spunk oven. magician, the n. The name givento the knacker in the pub who has the gift ofmaking people disappear. ‘Fuck me, Dave. Here’s the magician. I’m off.’ marrowless adj. Somewhat ack ng vigour n th rouser department. muck turtle n. Mythical creature responsible for the laying ofa brown egg one might find on the beach. nostaljerk n. Knocking one out for old time’s sake over the funderwear section of a Littlewoods’ catalogue . old traditional euph. A hand shandy given by a lady of the evening to a back bench member of Parliament. ‘How much for an old traditional?’ ‘Ten quid, Mr (surname of Old Etonian politician removed on legal advice) , or I’ll suck you off for fifteen.’ panchromatic 1. adj. Encompassing all the colours of the visible spectrum; usually descriptive of photographic film. 2.adj. Descriptive of a dazzling, Technicolor shite in the bog. peckerino n. Rich, full fat Italian knob cheese that is traditionally shaved onto unp in Italian restaurants. ‘Chef has seen you on television, so he’s put extra peckerino on your spaghetti, Mr Clarkson.’ phallustrade n. An ornamental picketline of rigid phalli, such as might be seen i n the opening scen e of a parti cularly imbalanced grumble flick. postman’s nipsy n. Pavement jetsam discarded by a startled postie, viz. A rubber band. push back the chaser 1. phr. Term u sed in the po pular ITV game show The Ch ase where thequ iz expert gets a question wrong and forfeits on eplace. 2. n. Withdrawing the turtle’s head back into the bomb bay when time is of the essence. ‘P

They need you on set.’ RATE/rate acronym. A description of the physical appearance of a person who does not come up to your exacting standards. Rough Around The Edges. rewire n. That point reached during a Thai holiday when a s*x-crazed holidaymaker no longer cares whether the current is flowing AC or DC. roll call n. Desperat e sho or help from the smallest when the incumbent has run out of arsewipe. rough wooing, the 1. n. between England and

1543-1551, foug attempt to force a marriage between 6-year-old Edwa dand Mary (later Queen of S aged 1. 2. n. Descriptiv of the behaviour of slapstic President Donald Trum when

h e’sout on the sniff. self-partnered 1.adj. De tive of being contende single, a phrase coined

mma W son of lms. 2. adj. Descriptive of an uncouth male who is undergoing a rigorous course of cockupational therapy whilst thinking about, for example, Emma Watson. Shelob’s lair sim. Condition brought on by unsuccessful wiping, leaving the nipsy covered in a steely web of matted hair and feeshus. ‘“’Mr Frodo!” cried Sam. “You look

uncomfortable. Are your nauticles playing up? Here’s my cloak to sit upon.” “No, Sam,” replied Baggins. “I haven’t had a wash since Rivendell and my arse is like the entrance to Shelob’s lair.”’ (from The Lord of the Ringpieces by JRR Tolkein).

Siri play me some James Blunt exclam. Announcement of the imminent arrival of a very loud and pungent Bonfire Heart. A reference to the former short-arsed tank driver turned warbler. Squidward’s nose n. A sad and droopy-looking cock. From the miserable cephalopod/mollusc in the Spongebob Squarepants cartoons. stepping back from royal duties euph. Laying low for a while following a colossal fuck up. testing the water euph. The moment during an innocent Thai massage when the massoose “accidentally” touches a chap’s bollocks; depending upon his reaction, he may then be offered a happy ending. Apparently. Not that we’d know. Tewkesbury postman’s wellies, wetter than a sim. Said of a lady in an advanced state of arousal. Also wetter than -a turfer’s knee, -Stevie Wonder’s toilet seat, -an otter’s neck, -a bad plumber’s mop, -Lee Evans’s suit, Whitney Houston’s last joint etc. the ayes have it, the ayes have it, clear the lobby! exclam. Amusing warning shouted immediately prior to a motion of very little confidence. thrilled to the marrow adj. Visibly delighted in one’s trousers. ‘Eeh by gum, Dame Helen, ‘appen I’m thrilled to the marrow to have you on the show again.’ tingler, the 1. n. B-movie nasty which causes its victims to tingle uncontrollably with horror. The only way to exorcise this beast is to scream. 2. n. An anal sphincter with an eerily similar modus operandi. tonto pronto n. Sp. Spanish lager enjoyed more for its cheapness and strength than for its flavour. See also señorita beater, Pedro’s piss. top fruit 1. n. Botanical term describing cherries, plums, apples etc., which grow on trees. 2. n. A fine pair. ‘Excellent top fruit on page three today, Percy.’

Ts and Cs apply euph. In a Situations Vacant ad, a hint that applications from female candidates will be particularly welcomed. turtle wax 1. n. Car polish. 2. n.

medic. Haemorrhoid ointment. two bird stuff 1. n. Culinary dish involving the insertion of a quail into a partridge before roasting the both of them, and thus 2. n. A very, very lucky night indeed. unsafe release 1. n. At the conclusion of a Formula 1 pit-stop, for example, when a driver is waved back out into the pit lane just as another car is passing. 2. n. What at first seems to be a simple trouser cough, but later turns into a shart. ‘Oh my, that looked like an unsafe release for Hamilton there. And the stewards are going to be looking at that one very carefully.’

VAR abbrev. What a naughty lady might allow her lucky partner to review on a night of erotic discovery. Vaginal And Rectal. what’s in Mr Tumble’s spotty bag? 1. exclam. interrog. Question asked by popular children’s entertainer Justin Fletcher on his television show Something Special. No, us neither. 2. exclam. interrog. What someone with a proper old dose of the clap jocularly states before making the beast with two backs. whips 1. n. Officials of a political party who are charged with making sure that pissedup MPs vote for the correct side. 2. n. Things you twat a horse with. 3. n. The middle area on a large-boned bird which tends to blend into one inchoate coagulation. From Waist + Hips. wings at the speed of sound

1. n. prop. Title of a successful Paul McCartney album released in the mid 70s. 2. n. The flapping noise made at bingo halls by the generously proportioned patrons as they dash outside between games to heave their raddled way through a well-earned coffin nail. work one’s passage 1. v. To pay for a voyage by one’s onship labour. 2. v. To monetise one’s Samantha. wrestle an alligator euph. After dropping a particularly large dreadnought, to use your hand to break it into smaller parts after it refuses to flush down the pan the first couple of times. ‘If anyone is wondering what’s happened to Judith, she’ll be back with us in a minute, only she’s still wrestling an alligator after eating a whole meat platter last night. Now over to Raymond, who’s been over to Japan to see a revolutionary new machine for making toast.’