PAPAL SYRUPS

BRITAIN’S CATHOLIC-IEST WIG AND HAIRPIECE FORUM, HOSTED BY WIG-LOVIN’ BIBLE THUMPER, POPE FRANCIS

Wotcha! POPE FRANCIS here. You’ll know me as God’s infallible representative on Earth, but that’s just my day job. My real passion is WIGS. That’s right, I simply can’t get enough of these synthetic head accessories made from human or animal hair, or in some cases artificial fibres. In fact, if you put a gun to my head and asked me to choose between religion and wigs, I’d pick wigs every time. I genuinely like wigs more than I like the Catholic faith and I don’t give a fuck who knows it. And judging by the size of this week’s ‘Papal Syrups’ postbag, you lot are pretty taken with them too! So, come on: let’s stop fannying about and ‘wig in’ (dig in) to my very ‘wig’ (big) bag of letters about ‘wigs’ (wigs). Yours, wigs~over~religion~preferringly, Pope F

⬜ AS A wig-wearing football fan, I find it disappointing that our top-flight players have embraced every anti-baldness measure except hairpieces. Bobby Charlton plumped for a combover, Alan Shearer pioneered the head shave, and Wayne Rooney shelled out for a hair transplant. Yet still, in 2020, not one single professional footballer has stepped out onto the pitch in a wig. Come on, you slap-headed soccer stars – get out the toupée tape and stick a wig on the old bonce.

Oliver Reaction,

Chipping Norton

⬜ I DON’T know why so many high court judges feel the need to wear wigs. They are supposed to be figures of authority who command our respect with their clear-sighted moral acumen. But it’s pretty hard to view them as such when they can’t even come to terms with their own baldness. I’ve never had any brushes with the law, but if I do ever find myself in the dock, I’ll be sure to only accept the judge’s ruling if he has fully embraced his male pattern hair loss.

Archie Recidivist,

HM Prison Brixton

⬜

CAN anyone explain why fake head hair and fake pubic hair both get their own unique names (‘wigs’ and ‘merkins’), and yet fake facial hair has to make do with being referred to as a ‘false beard’? It hardly seems fair. I think it’s about time the so-called experts gave us an original word for fake facial hair. And I’m not talking about some half-arsed cop-out like ‘chin wig’ or ‘cheek merkin’ – I mean a totally new noun that’s never been used before.

Anthony Cheeke-Merkin,

Barnsley

⬜ MY HUSBAND has always been sensitive about losing his locks, so a few years back I hit upon a rather ingenious solution. Every night, I hoover up the hairs that our three cats have shed over the course of the day and then glue them over my hubby’s bald spots while he’s asleep. I’ve been adding to this makeshift wig for thirty-five years now and the daft ha’porth still hasn’t twigged, despite the fact that the colour of his ‘hair’ has changed from blonde to ginger to tortoise shell. Drusilla Deranged, Herts

⬜ I LEARNED recently that

William Shakespeare first coined the word ‘wig’ in his 1589 play Two Gentlemen of Verona. However, looking at pictures of Shakespeare, we see that he himself was bald as a coot. Since he went to the trouble of inventing wigs, you have to wonder why the slap-headed dramatist didn’t wear one of the ruddy things? Felicity Shortshrift, Ludlow

⬜ WHEN Sean Connery played James Bond back in the sixties, every one of his accessories – pens, watches, cuff links etc – had some sort of clever, hidden double use to it. So I’ve always thought it rather a shame that the writers never applied this rule to the one accessory he kept on him at all times... namely, his trusty wig! Connery’s iconic hairpiece could have doubled as a smashing expandable parachute, or perhaps a furry chloroform-soaked rag to be whipped off and used to incapacitate a henchman. Or maybe it could have had a tiny helicopter blade secreted inside it to whisk the slap-headed spy away whenever he was in a sticky situation. I don’t know – I’m just kicking some ideas about.

G Wallace, Kent

⬜ AS THE Poet Laureate, I’ve not had a huge amount on, so I took it upon myself to write a poem about wigs on the off chance that Her Majesty the Queen ever asks for one. It’s called ‘If Hair You Are Lacking’ and it took me the best part of a fortnight, so I hope you like it. And before anyone says anything, I’m well aware that the third line from bottom doesn’t work, but I just couldn’t for the life of me think of a rhyme for ‘fibre’. If anyone has a better suggestion, feel free to tweet me at @RhyminSimon63.

‘If Hair You Are Lacking’ by Simon Armitage (2020)

If hair you are lacking, then heed my advice For a simple solution that’s cheap at the price Elton John wears one, and Wogan did too Paul Daniels ditto; Brucie had a few They are long, they are short, they are blonde, black or red There’s a suitable option for every bald head They’re made from the finest of synthetic fibre My favourite film is Carry On Up The Khyber Pop one of them on... you’ll feel 20ft big Let’s thank the Good Lord for the wonderful WIG!

⬜ S Armitage, Yorkshire

ASA huge fan of the Danish Europop singer who rose to fame with her 1994 single Saturday Night, you can imagine my excitement last week when my wife told me she was “taking me to see Whigfield.” You can also imagine my disappointment, fury and concern for my wife’s mental stability when she simply brought me to a large meadow that she had filled with hairpieces, merkins and toupées.

M Wrongend-Stickke, Herts ⬜

I AM a fairly well known TV physicist and former D:REAM keyboard player who secretly wears a wig. I would rather not disclose my identity, as my celebrity ‘brand’ is based largely on my appearing to have a thick head of tousled hair. However, the iconic glossy mop I sport is in fact a joke shop ‘Beatles wig’ that I wear in public to disguise the fact that I am actually bald as a Higgs Boson. I have to chuckle to myself when I see fans fawning over my ‘boyish good looks’ – if only they knew that under this toupée I look like Telly Savalas off of Kojak!

Name withheld by request,

CERN headquarters, Geneva ⬜

SCROLLING through a Wikipedia article on English kings recently, it struck me that until about 100 years ago it was all the rage for male members of the Royal Family to wear wigs. From Charles I to George III to William of Orange, they were all at it. I bet the current crop of male Royals are absolutely fuming that this trend has died out, since those poor bastards have barely got a dozen hairs between them! I don’t see why Edward or William or Philip doesn’t ask Her Maj to reinstate the regal wig rule and spare them all their slap-headed blushes.

N Witchell, Sandringham