THE NOTORIOUS W.I.G.!

Hip-hop hairpiece facts with wig-lovin’ deceased rap fave BIGGIE SMALLS

NBILLIONAIRE rap star P DIDDY sent shockwaves through the worlds of music and magic last night, when he splashed out a whopping $15 million... on Paul Daniels’ wig! The Harlem-born hip hopper cast the largest bid at a fiercely contested Sotheby’s auction in order to purchase the mousy grey hairpiece, which was worn by the late Middlesbrough conjuror between 1985 and 1991. “Paul is a muthafuckin’ icon of small screen wizardry,” an elated Diddy told reporters outside the auction house. “I knew when I saw his toupée in the Sotheby’s catalogue that I simply had to have it – no matter what the cost.”.

BELIEVE IT OR NOT, top NWA rapper ICE CUBE is afraid of wigs! That’s right: for unexplained medical reasons the Fuck Tha Police fave cannot even look at a toupée, hairpiece or merkin without suffering severe nausea and stomach cramps. Cube told Puzzler magazine: “It used to cause a right kerfuffle on the tour bus when EAZY-E wanted to watch Play Your Cards Right . I had to lock myself in the on-board loo until Brucie and his rug were safely off screen.”

OUTSPOKEN rap legend KANYE WEST has announced plans for an ambitious hip-hop concept opera... based around the episode of Dad’s Army where Captain Mainwaring buys a wig! The six-hour Broadway musical – which will cost a repor ted $80 million to stage – will expand on themes first explored in the sitcom’s 1972 episode Keep Young and Beautiful, in which the bald Walmington-on-Sea platoon leader purchases a hairpiece in order to appear more youthful. West himself is set to play Mainwaring, with his regular collaborator JAY-Z playing Corporal Jones and his wife KIM KARDASHIAN playing Mrs Mavis Pike.

INE-MAN, New York rap troupe the WU-TANG CLAN have shocked fans by announcing they are to split up due to “irreconcilable disputes”... over whether or not Conservative MP MICHAEL FABRICANT wears a wig! In a press statement released today, Wu-Tang member GHOSTFACE KILLAH claimed: “Five of us think he does, while the other four muthafuckin’ idiots maintain that he doesn’t. I mean, seriously: Google ‘Michael Fabricant’ and tell me that’s not a toupée. It’s a syrup: simple as, end of. I cannot and will not work with anyone who genuinely believes that’s his real hair.”

Biggie xx

More hardcore hip-hop toupée talkin’ points next time, you wig-adorin’ rap muthafuckers!