HELL TOUPÉE
POPE F answers YOUR burning questions about wigs in the afterlife
Dear Pope F, MY HUSBAND Brian was a good wig-wearing Catholic who passed away peacefully yesterday after a massive heart attack. I plan to bury him with his toupée on, as it was his pride and joy and he wouldn’t leave home without it. However, I am very concerned that it might blow off during the long flight up to Heaven, thus leaving him timid, embarrassed and housebound for all eternity. Can you offer any advice as to how I can ensure my hubby enters Paradise with his hairpiece still intact?
Maureen Buttocks, Wessex
Pope F says: “The flight up to Heaven can indeed get rather blustery, Maureen, so I would advise fixing an elasticated chin strap to Brian’s wig before you bury him in it. This will hold his hairpiece firmly in place as he soars up to Kingdom Come. If you think he might be embarrassed about people spotting the chin strap and deducing that he wears a wig, you could always cover it in glue and sprinkle it with razor clippings, thus disguising it as a trendy Lewis Hamilton-style beard. Hope that helps.”
Dear Pope F, LIKE Mrs Buttocks (above letter), my wig-wearing Catholic husband also passed away yesterday after a massive heart attack. I’m a bit worried, though, because I see from paintings that people in Heaven tend to develop halos over their heads, and my Jeff has to take his toupée off at least twice a day to apply his eczema cream. Will he still be able to do this with a halo? Perhaps there’s some way of arranging for Jeff to get a detachable halo so that he doesn’t spend all eternity suffering from an itchy scalp?
Agnes Bellyache, Essex
Pope F says: “Let me put your mind to rest, Agnes. In Heaven there is no such thing as eczema, nor indeed any other sort of skin inflammation or dermatological ailment. As such, your husband will be able to wear his wig for all eternity without once needing to take it off. On entering the Pearly Gates, he could even ask Saint Peter to fix his halo a little more tightly than usual, so it serves the dual purpose of holding his wig firmly in place to stop it slipping. A nice bonus, I think you’ll agree.”
Dear Pope F, LIKE Mrs Buttocks and Mrs Bellyache (above letters) ,my wig-wearing Catholic husband also passed away yesterday from a heart attack. Although, since my Terry suffered his cardiac arrest whilst having penetrative intercourse with a prostitute, I think it unlikely he’ll be joining Messers Buttocks and Bellyache up in Heaven, and will more probably be heading ‘down below’ to the infernal abyss. This worries me slightly because Terry’s hairpiece is highly flammable, and with all the open flames in Hell, it might catch light, and all the other tor tured souls might laugh at him. Is there anything that can be done to prevent this happening?
Dorothy Carnivore, Sussex
Pope F says: “I’m afraid that your late husband will have far more pressing concerns than his wig catching fire, Dorothy. Once he sets foot in the wretched House of Pain, he will have his skin flayed instantly from his body as a precursor to suffering an eternity of fiendish torture by Beelzebub’s despicable hordes of malevolent homunculi. As such, being a bit embarrassed about his slap-headedness will rank pretty low on Terry’s list of worries, I can tell you.”
Have YOU got a query about wigs, hairpieces, toupées or merkins in the great beyond? Why not write in to: Pope Francis, c/o Viz Comic, PO Box 841, Whitley Bay, NE26 9EQ