CURSE OF THE SWEAR-AOH!
ARCHAEOLOGISTS at Oxford’s Ashmolean Museum reacted with shock yesterday after a long-dead Egyptian Pharaoh in their collection rose from the dead!
The Pharaoh, Rameses II, died in 1213BCE and since his tomb’s discovery in 1928, his mummified remains have been on display in the town centre museum. Security guards on the night shift heard noises coming from the vicinity of the Egyptology department at around 3am on Tuesday.
“I’ve never been more frightened in all my life,” said museum guard Frank Sludge. “We stood rooted to the spot in horror as the ghastly figure emerged from the tomb, his stinking bandages falling from his flesh as he moved.”
SHOCKED
CCTV footage shows the 3000-year-old figure emerging from his heiroglyph-decorated wooden sarcophagus. But it was what happened next that really shocked the museum’s security staff.
“He opened his mouth and spoke,” continued Sludge. “I don’t know what I was expecting him to say, but I have to tell you, his language was a bit choice,” he continued.
“The resurrected king let forth a stream of obscenities the like of which I have never heard in my fifty-eight years, and I’ve been in the army,” Mr Sludge added. “The f-word, both the b-words, even the c-word.”
PFEIFFER
And it wasn’t just the mummy’s bad language that upset Frank, because the long-dead king, who became one with Orisir more than three thousand years ago, also displayed distinctly unacceptable behaviour when it came to women.
Mr Sludge told us: “As if the four letter words weren’t bad enough, the undead mummy then started making inappropriate comments at my female colleague Janice, making a crude pun using the name of the wife of King Akhenaten in the 18th Dynasty.”
“I told him that it wasn’t on to talk like that in front of the ladies.”
According to Professor Robert Everesley, Scealing Chair of Egyptology at St Cross College, this behaviour is not altogether surprising.
He told us: “In ancient Egypt, Pharoahs were seen as demi-gods. When he was alive more than three millennia ago, Rameses II would never have had to moderate his language in front of the ladies. He would have been able to eff and blind to his heart’s content.”
“When everyone around you believes you are literally descended from the sun, you don’t really have to hold back.”
“It’s no surprise that some of the Pharoah’s attitudes seem out of step with with modern tastes and social mores,” he continued. “There was no such thing as political correctness back in them times.”
LEGRAND
Others were quick to defend the Pharoah. “Yet again, the snowflake left castigate someone for speaking the truth,” barked gobshite UKIP founder Nigel Farage.
“The usual carping voices will criticise, but I think that a lot of ordinary, hard working people will find that Rameses II’s no-nonsense, speakas-you-find tone and use of good old Anglo-Saxon language strike a chord with them,” he added, whilst pretending to drink a pint of beer for photographers.
At time of going to press, the Ashmolean Museum refused to comment on rumours that Rameses II was considering an offer to take over LBC’s Drivetime show.
Foul-mouthed Mummy turns museum air Oxford blue