Roger’s PROFANISAUR

A Valentine Upda Britain’s Favourite of Filth and Prof

angry one n. Descriptive of the hostile body language employed by a gentleman lost in the act of self love. ‘If Kelly Brook wanted to lift the nation’s spirits during these uncertain times, she could get them out again, and we could all have a simultaneous angry one at 8 o’clock.’ (Piers Morgan, Good Morning Britain). apple cunt n. pej. A spoilt little shit who, no matter how much money you spend on them, always wants more. Based on the popular phone company who do things like changing t r ch ger connection, replacing the headphones so etc., just so you have to buy their own, expensive stuff instead of the Poundland alternative, when it breaks. arse croutons n. Small wads of rolled up chod wipe found nestled b ple bummocks ofa salad dodger. arse parchment n. A rare scroll of paper upon which many a so y tale may be inscribed. bat signal n. The picture of the mothe r mother-in-law that appea on your mobile phone tha alerts you to carefully put i own in case you answer it by mistake. wrought iron structure linking two headlands across the Bristol Channel. Also known as the Clifton Suspension Bridge. 2. n. Elaborate, elevated lace structure linking two knockers across the Bristol channel . A bra. See also titpants, knocker hoppers, rack sack, two-ring circus etc. charcoal chimney 1. n. Adevice used to light a barbecue. 2. n. The arsehole. Which may also, in extreme circumstances, be used to light a

ue. cobbing n. Espying a piece of sweetcorn stuck to your brown hat. cockbait n. A subgenre of clickbait that trick schap s into believing that a cultural artefact is about something manly,such as football ,bo xing or motorsports, when it is really about soppy girly things like relationships, eg. The English Game on Netflix. covidose n. Wall-to-wall Coronavirus coverage. crap of honour n. The last piece of foulage that resists the urge to go to the beach with the rest when the bog is flushed, and does half a dozen clockwise circu its bef ore foll bob-a-jobbie, humming turd, non-mover at number two. cummingtonite 1. n. chem.

A metamorphic amphibole mineral with the chemical composition (Mg,Fe2+ )2 (Mg, Fe2+)5Si8O22(OH)2; being magnesium iron silicate hydroxide. Don’t say we never learn you anything.2.n.A romantic fallow period; an equivalent to Superman’s Kryptonite that leaves a gentleman prone to being up and over like a pan of milk. cun tome te rn. A giant-faced, multi-dialled wristwatch of the sort worn by fighter pilots, racing drivers and powdered egg salesmen. See also cuntograph. debt Fred n. prop. A social outcast who is always skint because he can’t walk past abetti ngsh op, and is always looking for a tap. A gambling addict .‘ Hide your wal- lets, lads. Debt Fred has just walked in and it’s the Grand Nationa lto morrow.’ distance yourself from that! exclam. Exclaimed after dropping your guts during a pandemic. drier than prince Andrew’ s armpit sim. Something exceptionally dry, despite appearances suggesting otherwise. ‘Come on, luv. Make a bit of an effort, will you?

ve ng away ora good ten minutes and you’re drier than Prince Andrew’s armpit.’

embooziasm n. The sudden urge, having consumed half a glass of sherry, to drink to excess. ‘This whole quarantine business has given your father a renewed embooziasm for metal polish, children.’ family fartunes n. Post-Sunday-lunch symphony of guffing, belching and snoring as the entire family sleep it off in front of the idiot lantern. fart for the day n. The first, life-affirming, arse-rattling, guff of the morning; a deep,

changing experience. ‘And now it’s time for fart for the day, with Anne Atkins.’ fart sharer n. Ata ndem bicycle. ‘It won’t be a stylish marriage / I can’t afford a carriage / But you’ll look sweet / upon the sea t / of a fart sharer.’ floater coater n. A layer of material, such as bathroom tissue, that is placed over a bob-a-jobbie in order to facilitate it being sent to the beach in a respectful manner. ‘Pass me another bog roll under the door, Cardinal. I don’t hav e en ough l eft on this one for a floater coater and I’m on me third

’ ‘Certainly your

holiness.’ fluid art 1. n. Making abstract pictures with runny paints, most likely done by geniuses at art school as a preparation for putting a motif on your flat white a ate. 2. n. A applied with c panache.

Also know Jackson

Bollock. full stack en 1. n. IT term for som ind of Jackof-all-trades practitioner. 2. n. A chap who can keep a fairly hef norks suitably entertained. While, perhaps, simultaneously dealing with network interface issues own below. gas mask n. A scented wet wipe strategically placed over one’s anus, in order to disguise wh

be a rather unpleasant aroma. government constitutional

n. A ministerially approved bout of exercise undertaken in the midst of social distancing lockdown. granny butter n. prop. 1. Nickname comedy Prime Minister Boris Johnson gave to his grandmother, who churned milk on a farm. 2. n. De granny magnet’s farmer’s broth. ‘Wayne, I’m going to have o put these shorts through the wash again. This owder’s not shifting the gran utter off them.’

Grifter handleb ar grip, nob like a sim. Wh n a fellow’s been been pul wheelies so often that his todger has indenta his fingers to grip, similar to the erstwhil ebicycl hairy violets 1. n. ers of the genus Viola, often found on chalk do

2. n. Big hairy go ads , often found popping out of excessively tig ht s trunks. hole of the moon 1. n. 1985

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