STARMER’S LLAMAS
BRITAIN’S LIVELIEST LLAMA AND CAMELID FORUM, HOSTED BY THE LEADER OF THE LABOUR PARTY, SIR KEIR STARMER
Hi. SIR KEIR STARMER out of the Labour Party here. You’ll know me as the immaculately coiffed leader of the opposition, but what you probably DON’T know about me is that I am bonkers about llamas, spending approximately 95% of my waking hours thinking about these South American camelids. In fact, you might say that for me, llamas are a “Labour” of love! (Because I’m in the Labour Party and I love llamas). But that’s enough larking about, because judging by the size of my Starmer’s Llamas postbag, you lot are sods for these spitting, shaggy-haired lanky sheep too. So, let’s lift the (came)lid on some of the best letters about llamas, alpacas, guanacos and vicunas you’ve sent me this week. Llama-lovin’ regards, Sir Keir xxx
SEEING as how llamas have two ‘L’s at the beginning of their name and they spit when they talk, it seems fairly obvious to me that they’re trying to pass themselves off as Welsh. But they’re not Welsh: they’re South American, and they should ruddy well accept it. When oh when will llamas embrace their own Andean culture instead of clumsily appropriating ours?
Mrs Gwyneth Llewellyn,
Llandudno
HOW arrogant of Mrs Llewellyn (above) to assume that llamas are trying to copy the Welsh. Their appropriation of two ‘L’s at the beginning of their name could simply be a tip of the cap to my husband, the popular 1980s hip-hopper LL Cool J. And when you consider that ‘spitting’ is also a slang word for rapping, it becomes even more likely that these humble beasts are, in fact, trying to emulate the New Yorkbased ‘Rock The Bells’ hit-maker. Perhaps next time, Mrs Llewellyn will consider all the facts before she puts pen to paper.
Mrs Ada Cool J, New York
WHEN Iwasaboy,you never even heard llamas mentioned, but here in 21st Century Britain it’s just “llama this” and “llama that” everywhere you turn. Now that we’ve finally been freed from the shackles of the European Union, can we please stop going on about foreign animals like llamas and get back to focusing on decent, green and pleasant British beasts, such as cows, chickens and field mice.
Colonel Montgomery Farage-Littlegaunt, Chipping Norton
I READ last week that llamas are highly sociable animals, and since I was planning abarbecueformybirthday,I decided to invite a few over. Well, I’ve never been so disappointed. The smuglooking creatures didn’t say a single word to either me or my guests – they just kept themselves to themselves at the other end of the garden. And when I tried to offer them some potato salad, they spat in my face. Sociable my foot.
Mrs Edith WitchTrials, Dundee
WITH their long eyelashes, spindly legs and permanently smug expressions, it strikes me that llamas are essentially the supermodels of the animal world. I don’t know about anyone else, but I can cer tainly imagine a llama striding purposefully up and down a catwalk in some outlandish frock and then tumbling out of the Groucho Club at 3am, high on cocaine. D Attenborough, London
MR ATTENBOROUGH
(above) is talking out of his arse. Llamas are notoriously protective over other animals, and willoften‘guard’sheepandgoats by chasing off coyotes and other predators. This clearly makes them the bouncers of the animal world. I don’t know about anyone else, but I can cer tainly imagine a llama standing in front of a velvet rope, chewing gum in a bomber jacket and telling a fox to fuck off because it’s not wearing a tie.
M Strachan, London
MR ATTENBOROUGH
and Mrs Strachan (above and above) are both talking shite. Llamas stick their tongues out when they’re annoyed and have unusually high blood sugar, which means they are both cheeky and diabetic. As such, they are quite clearly the Bernard Mannings of the animal kingdom. I don’t know about anyone else, but I can cer tainly imagine a llama up on stage, sweating profusely in a dickie bow whilst telling racist jokes and making unpleasant comments about its mother-in-law.
C Packham, London
I USED to work at Chester Zoo where I was responsible for maintaining the daily nourishment of various South American tylopods. But with patience, graft and dedication, I worked my way up from that lowly position to the job I currently hold today – General Secretary of the British Agricultural Workers’ Union. So, I supposed you could say – if you really wanted to – that I used feed llamas and now I lead farmers. This is true, but since both Chester Zoo and the BAWU have lost all the paperwork relating to my employment, anyone looking into the matter might come to the conclusion that I have made it up.
Mervyn Ballsack, Farnham
I WATCHED a documentary the other day in which I learned that llamas have been used to transpor t meat by Andean cultures for centuries. As a butcher whose delivery van had recently broken down, I thought it might be a quirky idea to start doing my rounds on a llama instead. I had one imported from Peru, and I’ve since become the talk of the town, clip-clopping up and down the high street on my shaggy-haired ungulate beast, distributing chops and sausages to my customers as I go. Not only is the llama much cheaper and easier to maintain than my old van driver, but he doesn’t go running to the police every time he catches me interfering sexually with the meat.
Gerald Giblets, Scholes