LLAMA Q&As with The AB of C off of the C of E DR JUSTIN WELBY

YOUR ecumenical queries about even-toed lamoids, answered by the Archbishop of Canterbury

Dear AB of C, I’VE ALWAYS loved llamas but I’ve never been able to own one as my husband is severely allergic to their phlegm. So you can imagine my envy and covetousness when my next-door neighbour bought herself a lovely shaggy llama. I watch the beast jealously all day through our living room window as it struts about my neighbour’s front garden, chewing the lawn and spitting at her. I know the Bible says thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s ox or thy neighbour’s ass, but since it doesn’t explicitly mention anything about not coveting thy neighbour’s llama, do you think I’ll still be all right for a spot up in Heaven when I shuffle off this mortal coil?

Edna Blue-Haze, Ardwick Bridge

The AB of C says: “I’m afraid the simple answer is no, Edna. If you read the recently released ‘special edition’ of the Bible which features bonus ‘deleted commandments’, you’ll see that in the original version of Exodus 20:17, God clearly states: “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s ox, nor his ass, nor his ossifrage, nor his llama, nor his anything that does flyeth through the air nor cheweth upon the cud nor that that liveth in the firmament but doethn’t hath fins nor scales.” As such, I’m afraid you should probably use what remaining time you have left on this Earth to steel yourself for an eternity of unthinkable torture at the hands of the foulest legions of Beelzebub’s despicable horde.”

Dear AB of C, IN DANTE Alighieri’s iconic 14th Century religious poem, The Divine Comedy, he depicts Purgatory as a vast, towering mountain, which the sinful must climb in order to atone for their wickedness before they ascend to Heaven. Since llamas are especially good at trekking up mountains, it strikes me that these beasts have an unfair advantage over the rest of us when it comes to performing their allegorical afterlife penance. A llama that has lied and cheated and gambled and whored will still reach Paradise weeks before I do, and the worst thing I’ve ever done is expose myself to a women-only yoga class.

Bert Fruit-Machine, Prestwich

The AB of C says: “Being omniscient, God is well aware that llamas are better at climbing mountains than you and all his other glorious creations. So I would imagine He’ll have some kind of plan, perhaps putting them on the outside track of the Purgatory mountainside, meaning they have more ground to cover than everyone else. In future, if you think you’ve found a fault with any aspect of God’s great plan, just remember that if it’s occurred to you, then it’s probably also occurred to Him.”

Dear AB of C, WHY SHOULD we consider YOU to be the foremost authority on llamarelated theological matters when Tibetan Buddhist leader ‘The Dalai Lama’ quite literally has llamas in his name? Surely if I want to know something about llamas with reference to religion, I’d be best off writing to him, wouldn’t I?

Jeremy Realthing-Yeah, Oxon

The AB of C says: “Having a thing in your name does not automatically make you an expert on that thing. For instance, if you had a question about nettles, you’d write to Monty Don, not John Nettles. The only exception to this rule is Crocodile Dundee, who, to be fair, did know a lot about crocodiles, even though, to be fair, he was a fictional character. Of course, feel free to write to the Dalai Lama about anything you like, but don’t come crying to me when you’re burning in a sulphurous lake of fire for all eternity for worshipping a false idol.”

Have YOU got a question about llamas, alpacas, vicunas, guanacos or camels in the afterlife? Why not write in to: The AB of C off of the C of E, c/o Viz Comic, PO Box 841, Whitley Bay, NE26 9EQ