TAKE YOUR PICNIC
THE GREAT BRITISH PICNIC IS ABOUT TO UNDERGO A DRAMATIC CHANGE. THAT’S BECAUSE, AS THE UNITED KINGDOM LEAVES THE EUROPEAN UNION IN 2021, THE HUMBLE SCOTCH EGG IS SET TO BE REBRANDED!
The popular dish, consisting of a boiled egg wrapped in sausage meat and breadcrumbs, has been a picnic staple for decades. But Downing Street believes the time has come for the savoury snack to reflect not just Scotland, but the whole of the Union.
A Number 10 spokesman told us: “In January, the United Kingdom will be going it alone on the world stage. And we want the rest of the world to associate these delicious, meaty eggs with Great Britain, and not just a small part of it.”
“Calling these savoury treats ‘Scotch eggs’ is selling the UK short. We need a world-beating name for these delicious yet not particularly nutritious titbits,” he added.
EGGS
The new name for Scotch eggs has yet to be decided, but Downing Street confirmed yesterday that the contract to come up with the rebrand, worth up to £750k, has been awarded to a marketing firm owned by Dominic Cummings and Michael Gove.
“Whatever the creatives come up with, the new name will reflect the identity of all four nations of the United Kingdom,” said Gove.
“Not only that, but it will bespeak of Global Britain’s position as a world leader in the egg- and meatbased snack industry,” the fish-faced bellend continued.
“Britannia egg, Albion egg and Empire egg have all been suggested as possible alternatives, but no decision will be made until we have reached £750,000 in expenses,” he said, pointing at the reporter with his knuckle.
DIRK
However, opposition leader Keir Starmer was unhappy about the Prime Minister awarding such a lucrative contract to his adviser and a fellow cabinet minister, and expressed his displeasure at Prime Minister’s Questions. “I’m sure the Prime Minister awarded the contract to Mr Cummings and Mr Gove’s company after their tender beat off the competition in a fair and transparent process on a level playing field, but some cynical people might not think that,” he told the house.
“Would it not be better to put it to the British public and let them decide what to call these iconic foodstuffs?” he continued forensically.
“Although obviously, not if they choose something stupid like Eggy
McPorkface,” he added.
But Scottish Nationalist leader Nicola Sturgeon was less than happy about any changes in the name of what she called a traditional Scottish treat.
“It’s a Scotch egg. The clue is in the name,” she told reporters outside Hollyrood Palace. “Although, it should really be Scottish egg, rather than Scotch,” she added.