Roger’s PROFANISAURUS

add a dash of lime euph.

To piss in the bath, thus adding a splash of colour and piquancy to one’s evening soak. aftershock n. The second sit down toilet adventure of the day, experienced a couple of hours after the main eruption. anal distancing n. Restriction designed to prevent breathing difficulties. are you not entertained? 1. exclam. the film interrog. A .quote from

Gladiator 2. exclam. interrog. Something to say after dropping a Lionel that has not been well received.

Arse Cunt Balls Dick phr. Useful mnemonic to remember the correct sequence of answers when playing Fastest Finger First on Who Wants to be a Millionaire? asspresso n. A short but powerful burst of liquid darkness. bad crisp, a euph. Cause of

vomiting after a night out. bang a nail in that exclam. Said of a dropped gut so thick that it could be affixed to the wall of a suitably robust structure. be still my beating cock exclam. An exclamation of excitement upon meeting the subject of one’s amorous aspirations. bone broth 1. n. Stock made

from meat bones. 2. n. Spunk. booby trap n. An apparently alluring pair of norks that’s actually a push-up bra full of padding.

Boris minor n. A child of uncertain parentage. browning your meat euph. Enjoying a spot of bum fun in the back kitchen. camoufart n. A voluble gut dropped in order to to disguise the sound of a possibly C19-related cough. canadin n. Proprietary medicine available in supermarkets and off-licences throughout the land; a cure for all life’s ills. chocolate mince n. medic. Diarrhoea. What one might expect after downing a family size bar of Dairy Milk, a curry, and ten 660ml bottles of assorted beers of the world. crackne n. medic. A profusion of spots in or around the arse cleavage; a condition sometimes exhibited by actors in pornographic videos, apparently. creative juices flowing, get one’s euph. To crack one out first thing. devil’s doormat n. The front of a

lady’s twangers. dirty parachute n. When air gets trapped under the arsewipe after wiping. Also Welsh man o’ war. dog with a plate of gravy, like a sim. Descriptive of one who is a seriously hardcore Jacky Danny Cousteau. fucktangular adj. Descriptive of a situation that is complicated and messy in multiple unpleasant and difficult ways. gets about more than Dominic Cummings in a pandemic exclam. Said of a right goer. give the bog its breakfast v. To defecate. ‘My husband will be with you in a moment, vicar. He’s just giving the bog its breakfast.’ gland slam euph. Sitting alone at home, watching women’s tennis.

Gran Canaria 1. n. prop. Somewhere people used to go on holiday back n the days when you could go on holiday. 2 .n. prop. Elderly relative who refuses to turn down the central heating, turning her home into a sweltering tropical paradise. failure to launch 1. phr. A form of words with which Elon Musk is overly familiar. 2. phr. An inability to fire one off. A form of words with which Pele is overly familiar. fart bathing n. Sitting in a cloud of your own arse gas and enjoying it. hanging a portrait in the mahogany gallery euph. Depositing jizz in someone’s bumhole. haveagone hero n. That bloke in the pub who acts all tough, yet, when asked to step aside, moves faster than Usain Bolt. health worker clap euph.

A wank enjoyed at 8pm on Thursdays, so it sounds like your street is cheering you on. ‘I’m going to have a health worker clap tonight.’

Hello, who just joined? exclam. interrog. Amusing conferencecall-derived riposte to a voluble Exchange & Mart. highbernate v. To enjoy a pleasant nap whilst ripped to thetits. hind-shite n. Post hoc socialmedia wisdom. his dark materials 1. n. prop. Trilogy of fantasy novel swritten by Philip Pullman. 2. n. A non-mover at numbe r two left for the missu stode al with, typically on a Saturday morning. I’ll just nip down to reception for a paper exclam. After spending a night in a hotel with a new partner, a lie proferred as an excuse to leave the room and find somewhere to drop one’s shopping, thus saving oneself the embarrassment of saying “I’d leave that a few minutes if I was you.” imposter syndrome n. Modern, bourgeois affliction whereby one suspects that the eye-watering Tony Hart one has just emitted in a crowded room was actually done by another, more skilled individual. jockey’s glance n. Whilst ensconced on the biscuit wrapper, a swift look over the shoulder to admire your handiwork, reminiscent of Bob Champion on Aldaniti, approaching the finishing line of the 1981 Grand National. leg warmer n. An air biscuit straight out of the dirt oven which, due to external restraints, for example the seat of a chair, spirals its way down one’s trouser leg, providing a fleeting but nonetheless pleasurable warming sensation. lockdown cock n. medic. Strain or sur face abrasion of the endus bellus, imparted by increased frottage during solitary soci aldis tancing. Lucan n. prop. Name give to a brown trout which enters the wate r at such a velocity that it manages to escap e round the bend, named after the well known homicidal nob who similarly, it would seem, entered the water and simply disappeared. lunch ‘n’ learn 1. n. Tedious work event which will ruin your midday meal and from which you wil l rec all nothing. 2. n. Dining at the Y under the friendly O-level tutelage of a more experienced ladyfriend. Margaret’s footpath euph. Inexplicably, the rarely seen space between a fellow’s ball bag and his bum hole. Also known as the landing, Lutonto-Dunstable busway, twernt, tintis, gooch, biffin bridge, notcher, barse, stinky Mervin, ploughman’s, taint, scruttock or cockpit. midnight proposal n. When going to the porcelain throne fora gypsy’s kiss in the dark, getting down on bended knee to make sure your aim is accurate. mixed grill n. A sexual partner

who “likes a bit of everything.” mydixadroopin n. pharm. Competitor product to Mycoxafloppin. nut flush 1. n. Poker terminology used to describe the best possible flush hand on a board. Whatever that means. 2. n. Icing the log. old fart cart n. A hearse complete with coffin.

only connect 1. n. A fiendishly difficult television quiz in which a team of nerdish brainboxes try to piece together a seemingly random set of clues in the form of words or pictures to see what links them together. 2. n. An all-butimpossible puzzle in which a married man has to piece together a seemingly random set of clues, in the form of tearful outbursts, to see what his wife has got her fucking knickers in a twist about this time. pissoris n. medic. A well-hidden pizzle of such laughable size that it resembles nothing so much as a lady’s clematis .A button on a fur coat. porch pirates n. Charming scallywags who cruise the streets looking for parcels that a caring courier has decided to leave by your front door in plain view of the whole fucking world, and then considerately taking them in for safe keeping,

PPE 1. abbrev. Piss Poor Excuse. Often in plentiful supply at times of crisis. 2. abbrev. Personal Protective Equipment for the wearing of. Not always in plentiful supply at times of crisis, and often supplement edwith 1. prawn in an eagle’s nest n. A curle d-up pink penis surrounded by a particularly unkempt pubic bush. quarantini n. Experimental cocktail mixing, using whatever noxious shit you have left in the back of the cupboard. ‘Do you fancy a quarantini, dear? It’s that stuff in the elephant-shaped bottle we brought back from Morocco, with Stones Bitter, Advocaat and silver polish.’ that’s music to my nose exclam. A witty riposte to musical sounds from a bum-trumpet, when you know it’s going to be a right rotter.

Ruskin’s recoil euph. To be horrified at the sight of Terry Waite’s allotment. A reference to the romantic poet, who was famously put off his stroke on his wedding night by the sight of his missus’s gorilla salad. shiatus n. The interval, when ensconced on the khazi , between crowning and the splash. ‘Phew! I made it to the crapper in time, but the shiatus kicked in and it was a good thirty seconds before I could breathe again.’ ‘That’s great, Dave. Now, let’s see which Chaser you’ll be playing.’ shitrous oxide n. Bum gas. shnickers n. A lady’s soiled

scads. From shitty + knickers. smawning n. A combination of smirking and yawning; the expression that Priti Patel typically seems to adopt when announcing some national disaster or another. spinstergram n. Any social media outlet popular with single, middle-aged women. suddenly the door creaked open... exclam. Witty narration that is equally effective uttered before or after a particularly lengthy, creaky trouser cough. tender perennials 1. n. Plants from warm climes that need protection from the frost in the British winter. 2. n. The male testes. ‘I trod on a garden rake today and the handle came up and smacked me right in the tender perennials.’

Tim’s dozen n. Generous portion of chips served with a Wetherspoons meal. toed in the hole exclam. Suffering a sharp boot up the nick. trad jazz 1. n. Classic genre of early twentieth century popular music which actually had a tune and everything. 2. n. Pre-internet grumble, consisting of magazines with naked ladies in them, as opposed to being up at 4.00am, unable to tear yourself away from yet another video of ladyweaselling, Glaswegian sumo scat , or Vatican City humpshunting. unflappable adj. Exercising

restraint in the face of fanny. upside-down Christmas tree euph. Decorative little piece of femal e topiary with a present underneath.

WD naughty n. Lubrican tfor mature adults. wet market n. A specialist retail establishment stocked with exotic delights that offer a brief moment of pleasure, albeit with the ever-present possibility of picking up a nasty virus. A knocking shop. wet wish n. A fellow’s fond desire, imagined in such a way as to require a tissue. ‘Since this lockdown began, I’ve been home all day long, mostly wet wishing.’ widow wanky n. A person who has lost their partner, due to death or other less dramatic circumstances, and who now enjoys unrestricted access to the internet. yearning curve n. The parabola described by the movement of the bell-end as it progresses from dormancy to full bonk.