Going Against the Flow
Council gives green light to controversial canal project
BLACKPOOL Council chiefs were under pressure this week to respond to complaints from residents that the town’s canal is TOO CLEAN.
In 2015, after the stretch of the the Lancaster Canal running through the town was assessed as ‘toxic’ and given the lowest water quality rating possible, the local council began a clean-up campaign. The project resulted the waterway receiving a 2017 Clean Water Award and EU Clean Canal status in 2018.
CANAL
But the clean-up didn’t stop there, and many campaigners believe that the council has gone too far in its efforts to purify the canal, with unintended consequences.
“The whole situation is deeply worrying,” said local resident Douglas Fur. “The water is crystal clear, and you can see right to the bottom, which is all well and good. But they’ve cleaned it up to the point where it’s acquired strange, ungodly properties.”
He continued: “There’s the immortality for starters. Anyone whosoever drinketh from its waters shall be blessed with life everlasting.”
“I’m not saying we should go back to the state it was in before, with all car tyres and bike frames in it, but a canal so clean that its magical waters give eternal life? That can’t be right,” Mr Fur added.
CORAL
And other residents were quick to voice concerns that the canal was now so clean that anyone who caught sight of their reflection in its limpid waters would therein see the things that are yet to come.
“I don’t want to see into the future, thank you very much,” said local garage mechanic Frank Trabbsboy. “I went for a stroll along the towpath last Friday, and when I looked in the water, I saw I was going to die of a heart attack on June 14th, 2027.”
“That foreknowledge of my own mortality completely spoilt my weekend, I can tell you,” he added.
But Mayor Eric Tonks said that having a canal so clean that its waters had magical properties was a great boost for tourism in the area.
MILL
“We get coachloads of old people in search of eternal life during the week,” he told reporters. “And they all stop off for a cup of tea and a cake at the Copper Kettle before they go,” he said.
“Although I have to admit, the man from William Hills isn’t too pleased when his customers peer over the bank to see who’s going to win the 3:30 at Chepstowe.”
BARRIER
However, despite protests from local residents and bookmakers, the council say they have no plans to scale down their clean-up act on the canal.
“We’re going to press on,” said Mr Tonks. “If we can get it a bit cleaner still, we reckon that it will make somebody fall in love with anyone who’s reflection they see. Imagine what that’ll do for the town centre on Valentine’s Day.”