Prof Toasts Toast Toppers
Tinned snack ‘ pinnacle of discovery’
THE 21ST century has seen some miraculous advancements in science - the Event Horizon Telescope taking the first photograph of a supermassive black hole; the 2012 discovery of the Higgs Boson fundamental particle; the 3D printing of working prosthetic body parts. But boffins have admitted that despite these advances and more, no discovery comes close to Toast Toppers.
“They’re pretty much the pinnacle of scientific endeavour,” explained Barrington Onions, Professor of Science at Oxford University.
GENOME
“Sequencing the human genome was an extraordinarily difficult and impressive project. But a small tin of brownish stuff that, when you spread it on toast and grill it, tastes fantastic - that takes some beating,” he said.
“Why would you even want a human genome when you could have a Toast Topper?”
KENICKERS
Professor Onions revealed that the inability to make a scientific advancement as significant as Toast Toppers has led many in the scientific community to consider quitting.
“You spend your whole career doing really complicated sums to enable the detection of gravity waves, or editing genes to introduce disease resistance into crop plants. Then you go home and have Toast Toppers for tea and you think ‘why am I wasting my time on this other shit?’” he said.
PETERODACTYL
Onions leads a group of mathematicians and theoretical physicists who are using number theory as a device to prove the existence of multiple dimensions. “It’s a challenging and rewarding field,” he told us. “But I know that if we ever get there, it won’t be as good as a ham and cheese Toast Topper.”
RONTOSAURUS
And Onions says that of all the scientific goals being chased and all the discoveries yet to be made by the scientific community, only one could possibly top Toast Toppers.
“Teaching dogs to speak German would be up there on a par with Toast Toppers,” confirmed Dr Onions.
“A dog speaking English would be good, possibly even as good as a ham and cheese Toast Topper,” he said.
“But a dog speaking German? With all their noun inflections, auxillary verbs and multiple infinitives, and the fact that it’s a dog saying them - You’d have to admit that would be better than Toast Toppers, but I think it’s a good 15 years away,” he added.