Jones vs Moore

THE BATTLE OF THE SIR TOMS!

AS POST-LOCKDOWN Britain basks in the summer sun, there is one burning topic that’s keeping everyone in the country talking, from Lands End to John O’Groats and from Muckle Stack to Porthcurno. Just WHO (or it might be WHICH) is the best Sir Tom? Is it wild-pelvised Welsh sexbomb SIR TOM JONES, who has been filling women’s knickers with lovejuice since the 60s? Or is it marathon-walking war hero SIR TOM MOORE, who recently marked his centenary by raising £30 million for NHS charities? These two brave Sir Toms now enter the fray and prepare to joust – not with them long sticks like knights of old – but with facts and figures about their lives. At the end of the tournament, only one of them will leave the arena with his head held high. Lords, ladies and peasants, pray silence for…

ROUND 1 RECORD SALES 9

BY ANY standards “Jones the Voice” has enjoyed an impressive pop career. Since his barnstorming debut single – It’s Not Unusual – in 1965, he has had 36 Top 40 hits in the UK adding up to a half century of chart-toppers and best-selling albums. The lusty Welsh baritone belts them out in a variety of styles – everything from pop and rock to country, Bond themes, soul and acid house. And with total record sales well in excess of 100 million, “it’s not unusual” to think that the hairy-chested octogenarian swinger has got this round in the bag.

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CAPTAIN Tom left it quite late in life before making his chart debut. His NHS charity single You’ll Never Walk Alone finally topped the hit parade just in time for his hundredth birthday. Although it’s a fine effort from the better-late-than-never popster, his lone top twenty entry pales into insignificance next to his namesake Welsh sex bomb’s rollcall of best-sellers. But hold on - by topping the charts more recently, could Captain Tom have sneaked an unlikely win in this opening skirmish? Sadly not, as his charity recording was a digital single, not a physical “record” as specified in the title of this round.

ROUND 2 HAVING SEX WITH UP TO 250 GROUPIES A YEAR 10

IN AN interview with the Daily Telegraph in 2017, Jones stated that at the height of his fame, he would regularly have it off with up to 250 groupies a year, and the notches on his battered bedpost include a bevy of household names. Hundreds – if not thousands – of beauty queens, pop singers and movie starlets have all been on the receiving end of Jones’s insatiable “Sex Bomb”.

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CAPTAIN Tom married in 1968, meaning that his carefree bachelor days continued until he was at the relatively advanced age of 48. Of course, this does not mean that the Fens-based concrete company boss was getting as much fanny as his hip-swivelling, hairy-chested Tinseltown namesake, so you could be excused for thinking that he might not score as well as Jones the Voice in this round. But look again carefully at the wording. The phrase “up to 250 groupies” clearly includes “no groupies at all”, so Captain Tom walks away – and around his garden again – with full marks.

ROUND 3 GOLD BLUE PETER BADGE 4

THE GOLD Blue Peter badge is the most exclusive award conferred by the long-running children’s TV show. However, even though he received the OBE in 1999, was knighted for services to music in 2006, and has had a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame for more than three decades, this great honour has so far eluded the Pontypridd-born vocalist.

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IN EARLY May, in recognition of his marathon charity walk, Captain Tom was awarded a Gold Blue Peter Badge. In receiving this great honour, bestowed by the popular childrens’ show only upon those who have shown great bravery and fortitude in the face of adversity, he joins a list which includes the Queen, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge and Ed Sheeran.

ROUND 4 WINNING BLANKETY BLANK 5

TOM’S roll call of TV appearances is truly impressive. Over his 55year career, the Green, Green Grass of Home vocalist has been a guest on everything from Juke Box Jury and Sunday Night at the London Palladium back in the 1960s, to The Voice and Antiques Road Trip in the 2020s. However, one small screen accolade that has always eluded him is winning the BBC gameshow Blankety Blank, so Jones garners an unimpressive score in this round.

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ON Christmas Day 1983, Captain Tom appeared as a contestant on BBC1’s top-rated quiz show Blankety Blank, alongside a glittering roll call of stars including Terry Wogan, Patrick Moore, Beryl Reid, Freddie Starr and Ruth Madoc off Hi de Hi . Sadly, although at first glance this looks like it should be a good round for him, he didn’t win the show as specifically mentioned above, and so his scorecard must remain “Blankety Blank”.

ROUND 5 TOP GEAR TEST TRACK PERFORMANCE 6

IN 2008, Tom got behind the wheel of a Daewoo Lacetti to take part in Top Gear’s famous ‘Star in a Reasonably Priced Car’ feature, lapping the show’s Bruntingthorpe Aerodrome test track in 1 minute 52.2 seconds. Although his time was significantly slower than many other celebrities – including Michael Gambon (1.50.3) and Theo Paphitis (1.48.5), he was nevertheless slightly quicker than Dame Helen Mirren (1.52.8) and Rick Wakeman (1.55.3).

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ALTHOUGH Captain Tom has never appeared on Top Gear – either in its heyday before Jeremy Clarkson chinned that producer, or in its present-day form that no-one bothers watching – it is highly likely that he has sped round an earlier incarnation of the show’s Bruntingthorpe test track at some point during his long post-war career as a keen amateur motorcycle racer. Indeed, astride his famous Scott Flying Squirrel racing motorbike, it is highly likely that he once lapped faster than Welsh superstar Jones.

ROUND 6 BEING ABLE TO REMEMBER THE START OF WORLD WAR II 0

THE You Can Leave Your Hat On vocalist was born on June 7th 1940, a full 10 months after Adolf Hitler’s invasion of Poland sparked the UK and France’s declarations of war on Germany and its fellow Molotov-Ribbentrop Pact countries. Since he was not even conceived until the war had been officially underway for a month, there is no way that Tom Jones could remember the star t of the war. And if he says he can, he’s talking out his arse.

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CAPTAIN Tom was born on April 30th 1920, meaning that he had already celebrated his 19th birthday when the Second World War started. As such, it is certain that he still has vivid memories of the moment when – at 11.15am on September 3rd 1939 – British premier Neville Chamberlain appeared on the radio to formally announced the start of the notorious 6-year conflict.

HOW DID THEY DO? 34

BACK in 1970, Tom got into the UK Top Twenty with his single I (Who Have Nothing). And whilst he doesn’t exactly “have nothing” to show for his efforts in this contest with his centenarian namesake, he certainly leaves the arena with the bitter stench of defeat clinging to his clothing, and the jeers of a hostile crowd ringing in his ears. Although it has been a heated conflict, in the words of his 1999 duet with her out of Catatonia, “Baby, It’s Cold Outside.”

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THIS contest has been just like Captain Tom’s garden… he’s walked it! To mark his 100th birthday and his marathon charity walk, a Hawker Hurricane and a Spitfire from the Battle of Britain Memorial Flight performed a flypast over his house, and he received a card from England and Tottenham Hotspur’s Harry Kane. Now he can add another proud accolade to his impressive rollcall of honours … Top of the Sir Toms!